The Continuing Crisis
THE C O N T I N U I N G CRISIS ý82 Throughout October Governor Jimmy Carter bore up heroically against the truly scandalous aspersions hurled at him from all sides. Calumny piled upon calumny,...
...82 Women's liberationists are in the mulligrubs over the political decline of Chairman Mao's wife, Mrs...
...Theodore Reed, director of the National Zoological Park...
...and she has duly catalogued beneath each diaper a complete list of her son's food and drink on the day the work was produced...
...Martin Sheets has been safely ensconced in his Terre Haute, Indiana mausoleum for some time now there is still no word from him...
...Anyway it came as a shocker to the nation, especially to the campaign press corps, when the American Association of Zoological Parks and Aquariums passed over both Mr...
...This time he overturned the 1970 robbery conviction of Mr...
...McClaughry is the long-time subscriber and contributor to both "Current Wisdom" and "The Continuing Crisis," who, according to the redoubtable Times of New York, is now raising money for the Hobo Foundation, Inc., a nonprofit organization formed two years ago in Concord, Vermont by Mr...
...Michael Shanks, the Cleveland, Ohio dandy who never made good on his promise to marry Miss Linda Gajevski, has been ordered to pay the lonely lady I10,000 by order of Ohio's progressive Judge Norman A. Fuerst...
...Scientists at Atlanta's Yerkes Primate Research Center are optimistic about prospects for mating an ape with a man, though no one knows how the ASPCA will take it...
...New York Judge Frank DeLuca upheld an insurance arbiter's award of $2,000 to a 27-year-old streaker, who, quoting Judge DeLuca, "while in naked communication with nature" ran into a truck...
...82 From Memphis, Tennessee comes word that Mr...
...And finally Mr...
...Ragsdale, the reformation set in when he heard an antivivisectionist poem, which ended with the moving line, "OrAy a dog would spend his breath in a kiss for his murderer's hand...
...As a result one mare in foal is dead, two mares have been injured, and another will be incapacitated for life--a senseless and cruel shooting, reminding us once again that intolerance still stalks America...
...Steam Train Maury Graham...
...Calumny piled upon calumny, yet the Wonderboy clung to his boyish grin and continued to propagate his message of simple Christian love, calling those of his brothers and sisters who wouldst abstain from the voting booths "cowards" who "have given up on the nation," and notifying those patriots who will vote that Mr...
...Genuine hoboes are an endangered species, and Mr...
...Asserts Mr...
...Hayakawa, as Professor S.I...
...All this Mr...
...82 West Germany's Chancellor Helmut Schmidt led his Social Democrats to a slim victory in the West German elections despite Tonga, the three-year-old chimpanzee in Hassloch, West Germany who prevented 20 zoo employees from voting when he locked them in his monkey house and swallowed the key...
...Stanley Cybulski has been awarded I100,000 in damages...
...And progressive ways are also invading the University of Texas, where the science editor of the University of Texas Press now instructs a scholarly course in frisbee lofting...
...82 Egyptian police have arrested friends of a Cairo girl who strangled her, hoping that she "would be resurrected after death to live underground as a genie with magic powers...
...Sheets is the unusually bullish stockbroker who willed that he be buried in a mausoleum equipped with lights and a telephone so that he might call the outside world should he suddenly awaken...
...While on the subject of art, London's Institute of Contemporary Arts is displaying a breathtaking series of framed, befouled, and chemically treated diapers, the masterpieces of Mrs...
...John McClaughry is as characteristic of Alternative readers and writers as I suspect...
...McClaughry, "There's nothing worse for a lifelong hobo than to find himself in a rest home, hovered over by candy-stripers and welfare workers...
...82 Many ingenious judicial decisions add to the historical significance of October...
...Had President Ford spent less time on the campaign trail he might have done better...
...Gary Hopkins attributes his injudicious behavior on the evening of October 1 to the fact that he had dwelt too long at the adult movie palace, and upon returning home "became sexually aroused"--a mitigating circumstance in any enlightened justice's canon, but, alas, no Judge Bazelon reigns in Bloomington...
...Not only that, but after giving Mr...
...Such prodigies from the nation's juridical necromancers have gone far to instill hope in the dank bosom of that Bloomington, Indiana theatre-goer, who languishes even now in a local calaboose after chasing a lady neighbor out of her second-story window...
...Ford a thorough Christian examination, the Wonderboy also discovered his opponent to be a "brainwashed" liar and "absolutely ridiculous...
...Willie DeCoster, Jr., because Mr...
...Cybulski is the Bristol, Connecticut gentleman who died tragically after pulling a closefisted vending machine over on himself...
...Leonid Brezhnev began the month scoffing at detente's critics...
...An unusually precise estimate of the distressing price paid by those political dissidents persecuted during the McCarthyite purges was provided by Stalinoid playwright Miss Lillian Hellman, who was given a 87,000 mink by the Blackglama fur company for modeling her coat in a New Yorker advertisement that previously featured such notable intellectuals as Miss Raquel Welch and Miss Melina Mercouri...
...The Wonderboy wisely spent much of his campaign time hidden away midst his beloved peanuts in Plains, but he still lost large numbers of supporters whenever he was shoved into "Peanut One" for a campaign tour...
...At the head of this conspiracy was the masterful pol himself, Gerald R. Ford, the Boss Tweed of Grand Rapids, who in the last weeks of the campaign introduced California's Senatorial candidate, Professor S.I...
...McClaughry and colleagues Mr...
...After all, Dr...
...McClaughry hopes his foundation will provide a last resting place for these noble voyagers...
...Hood River Blackie and Mr...
...Just weeks after I personally endorsed Budweiser as the best middleweight beer in America, some fiend took his revenge by attempting to assassinate members of Anheuser-Busch's famed Clydesdale herd...
...Though Mr...
...Carter and Mr...
...Who says compassion is the monopoly of the 1976 Democratic ticket...
...82 Finally October was the month of the Clydesdale Tragedy...
...RET 2 The Alternative: An American Spectator December 1976...
...Asseverates the artist's proud mother, "They are art because I say so...
...He ended it by proving detente's stupendous value to all sides: the USSR purchased no less than 12.5 million worth of California prunes--yet another example of the amazing affluence of this socialist cornucopia...
...Certainly he would have avoided such contretemps as occurred when New York State Republican Chairman Richard Rosenbaum introduced him on October 30 as "President Gerald R. Fraud...
...New York State Supreme Court Justice John Scileppi barred Miss Ellen Cooperman from changing her name to Cooperperson, asserting that the change would expose the women's liberation movement to "ridicule...
...Hopkins' alleged prey suffered a broken back...
...The sexual revolution notwithstanding, sixteen policemen, who allegedly indulged themselves voluptuously with girl members of their station's Explorer Scout post, face criminal charges in Los Angeles...
...DeCoster's legal counsel had failed to defend him as violently as Judge Bazelon would have hoped...
...Reed's only botch had been the purchase of a breeding camel named Humphrey, who upon further inspection turned out to be bereft of both testicles and the intellectual acuity to improvise...
...The 2,500-year-old "Plato tree," under whose shade the ancient Greek egghead is said to have loafed, fell victim to Greek affluence on October 15 when it was devastated by a soused and now sheepish Athenian bus driver...
...If only the Wonderboy can lead us from this wilderness of the spirit...
...And the estate of Mr...
...Finally those who fault The Alternative's lack of highmindedness may have to reevaluate their position if the publicspiritedness of Mr...
...The woebegone British pound headed in the direction of the Italian lira, and the USSR's mellifluous Mr...
...Chiang Ching, who has been booted from the Chinese establishment for "nagging" the late Chinese politico...
...According to authoritative wall posters, she also objected to the new regime's patriotic plans to stuff him...
...Carter will save us from, if election-eve polls speak the truth and if Satan can be thwarted...
...82 The southeastern office of the Ohio Health Department is taking well-deserved pride in the discovery that the most popular course in Appalachian schools is now tooth-brushing...
...Earlier in the month he deviously predicted an economic resurgence in 1976's "fifth quarter," and shared with a Rockland County, New York audience his enigmatic aspiration to represent them "in the Oval Office in the next two years...
...Ford to give its annual "Goof of the Year" award to Dr...
...According to Mr...
...The ravenous civil libertarian, Judge David Bazelon, again made history...
...82 Weighing one sonority against another, 1976 was the greatest presidential campaign since the genius of Warren Gamaliel Harding clashed with the genius of James Cox...
...Mary Kelly's gifted three-year-old son...
...Hayacomma...
...82 Nonetheless throughout October the powerful campaign of President Gerald R. Ford rolled, fueled by the limitless wealth of the rich and the powerful, and evidently aided by the Pope...
...Pappy Ragsdale, a life-long dog-hater, is a new man and now resides with almost two hundred of his erstwhile enemies...
...Ford is a "disgrace to the nation...
Vol. 10 • December 1976 • No. 3
