The Continuing Crisis
THE C O N T I N U I N G CRISIS ý82 September was a gaudy feast, Iuscious with the delectable offerings of many politicians, some newspaper pundits, and a host of international worthies. In...
...The same spiritual staple can be bought in San Francisco's Curios and Candles Shoppe for as little as $40...
...In head and body she is reminiscent of the late Nikita Khrushchev...
...Hugh Hefner, Governor Jimmy Carter announced that he is the possessor of a sexually active heart...
...and J e r r y Ford, perhaps the g r e a t e s t ( a l b e i t unconscious) deadpan comic since the d e a t h o f vaudeville...
...he stole billions of dollars worth of other people's property, sent barbaric armies marching in every direction, and immeasurably increased the wealth of world tension that we enjoy today~ He was a poet, a metaphysician, and the pudgiest revolutionary of the century...
...Three days later an elderly Chinese couple residing in New York City burnt their life's savings of $75,000 and jumped from the window of their television room...
...In Detroit, Congressman Don Riegle declared categorically that newspaper reports claiming he had forged his estranged wife's signature to an income tax rebate check and pocketed the loot would not be an issue in his campaign for the United States Senate--a breathtaking ukase, but one the five-term Congressman is fully qualified to make, he being one of the first to sniff unethical behavior in the Nixon Administration and a man whose elevated moral sensibilities persuaded him to resign from the Republican Party in protest of its general turpitude and benightedness...
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...It has been all uphill for the dowdy, middle-aged sourpuss whose saturnine visage has always given viewers of his TV news reports the impression that his bowels were locked in a tumultuous struggle with an enormous and intrepid fecal impaction...
...Mencken's l a s t campaign was not only his l a s t look a t a P r e s i d e n t i a l race but the l a s t such view any of us will again have...
...Richard Speck's first bid for parole during a ten-minute hearing which managed to cram in an astounding number of cruel remarks about the aforementioned unfortunate...
...Belenko would have a better time of it married to an American grizzly bear...
...Richard Michael Laury, a convicted criminal, when faced with the news that he had been born out of wedlock some forty-six years earlier became "frustrated, angry and confused," and shot his seventy-six-year-old mother dead...
...At Binghamton, New York late in September he articulated the longsimmering aspirations of millions of Americans when he responded in kind to a pack of protesting brats who saluted him with vertical middle fingers...
...I don't have any, you know, personal knowledge about homosexuality and I guess being a Baptist, that would contribute to a sense of being uneasy...To inject it [homosexuality] into a public discussion on politics and how it conflicts with morality is a new experience for me...
...The reactionary Illinois Parole and Pardon Board perfunctorily rejected Mr...
...David Frost's forthcoming TV interviews with the fallen leader...
...Nelson A. Rockefeller, the d~gag~ Vice President of the United States of America...
...Evidemly the American people did get to know h{m better for his lead over President Ford diminished precipitously...
...and in the fury of their oratory they burnt out a twentyfive-cent electrolytic capacitator in the ABC sound system, leaving them inaudibIe and tess dangerous for a luxurious twenty-seven minutes...
...The Official Alternative Turkey Tee Shirt has no equal as a chic gift for those students, part-time athletes, contemplatives, ben vivants, and other tee shirt aficionados on your Christmas list...
...Since his September 6 landing, rumors have been circulating within the intelligence community that poor Mr...
...I In a dizzy interview with Playboy, a family magazine published by the Lutheran philosopher, Mr...
...My nonpartisan scruples will not allow me to divulge the name of this patriot, but I will offer a hint: he is the only Baptist in the race whose mother joined the Peace Corps at the age of sixty-eight...
...The light dawns...
...My suspicion is that he was not only a pathological killer but also a fanatical consumer of bun buns...
...Howe's gallant character could hope to survive...
...Rockefeller--"We consider you the preeminent authority on the subject and the only pol in America who really has been reborn " The literary world awaits Mr...
...a whole bunch of women while the other guy is loyal to his wife...
...but women, egads how it lusted...
...Richard Nixon actually " d i e d " in 1974, "which I guess some people don't realize...
...Apparently Yahweh is really a pretty good sport, and as for Jesus, well, according to Governor Carter, "Christ says, Don't consider yourself better than someone because one guy s...
...It doesn't mean a constant judge of character...
...Carter met for their first debate...
...In personality she seems to be at one with Stalin...
...And what would he say about the " f i n a n c i a l l y p u r e " F r i t z Mondale, whose i l l e g a l " g i f t s " from the Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company will probably be found out and exposed by the New York Times shortly before all the leaves have turned r e d this fall...
...Never did it lust after the male of the species, for as the Wonderboy pithily elucidated: "The issue of homosexuality always makes me nervous...
...And the only ones who will benefit from t h a t melancholy fact are the politicians...
...Petersburg's Mr...
...Allan Howe, auspicated his reelection campaign by having a Chicago polygraph expert administer a lie detector test to him, which proved beyond a shadow of a doubt his childlike innocence...
...Daniel Ellsberg and Alger Hiss...
...Viktor I. Belenko's wife shed considerable light on the young pilot's motives for landing his top secret Foxbat MIG-25 in Japan and seeking asylum in the United States...
...Schorr was principled enough to lay hands on some top-secret government documents and to peddle them to newspapers...
...Also please send me Alternative Turkey Buttons at $1 each (please print) Gift for: Name: Address: Address: City...
...82 Finally felicitations to Mr...
...Ivan Syndrome," but when she appeared before the cameras there could no longer be any doubt that her condition was far gone...
...82 On September 9 perhaps the greatest statesman since Adolf Hitler assumed room temperature--China's Chairman Mao Tse-tung...
...Two members of Italy's Olympic swimming team were arrested while on a shoplifting tour of Rome, and South Cottonwood, Utah's celebrated Congressman, the Hun...
...Stephen Bull, Mr...
...RET MENCKEN'S LAST CAMPAIGN (continued from page 35) Mencken aficionados, and p a r t i c u l a r l y members o f the Fourth E s t a t e who are not i l l i t e r a t e , a r e s e r v a t i o n t h a t still leaves a sizeable minority, are fond of asking when and if we shall ever s e e his like again...
...A man accused of armed robbery and aggravated assault would not generally be suspected of also being a ruddy duddy, but St...
...Both wives had refused to observe the fasting laws of the holy month of Ramadan, and one had been tardy about serving up the vittles when the holy month was over...
...82 According to a People magazine interview with ex-White House special assistant Mr...
...John Werner, a radiologist convicted of paying an undercover agent a one-thousand-dollar down payment to murder his wife, Carmelita, is now suing the policeman for breach of contract...
...Italy's political stability was thrown into a pother when it was announced that pasta prices would increase...
...So stylish was Mr...
...but the more politically astute fear that the inscrutable Mr...
...Nonetheless a plump little butterball was he, as can easily be perceived from almost any photograph of the great man...
...Jim Gearhart, 99, celebrated the 25th anniversary of his first funeral, and the revolting fragance that has been dissuading customers from dining at Chez Raffatin et Honorine in Paris was explained when the gendarmerie discovered an ill-starred thief stuck in a ventilator shaft where he had expired some weeks before...
...Nixon is about to commence a career in modern Christian endeavor, preparatory to a 1980 campaign against President Carter...
...I t ' s idle to speculate, of course, a b o u t what Mencken would say about this most recent crop of Ciceros and Bismarcks, for even i f he were to be placed in our m i d s t again, t h e r e is little chance t h a t any newsp a p e r would publish him...
...Much to the joy of local wowsers, smoking is to become malum pro~ibitum in Moscow's restaurants by order of the City Council--sad tidings for Moscow's restaurant habitues whose custom it has been to narcoticize their tongues with nicotine so as to insulate them from the horror of Soviet cuisine...
...Evidently the goatish ticker has caused Mr...
...His August announcement of having sent from his Vacaville residence a confidential "murder list" was fastened upon by many of his critics as an indication of criminal behavior, but the egg was on their faces in September when he wrote two friendly journalists a thoughtful letter explaining that "Murder is a penitentiary expression for stupid act, a slow reaction to something, a mental retarded expression...
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...I've thought about it a lot, but I don't see how to handle it differently from the way I look on other sexual acts outside marriage...
...How he go t so fat no one knows, in fact no one even mentioned it in any of the recent eulogies about his revolutionary asceticism and egalitarian zeal...
...After all there was that historic point when the more forward-looking of the candidates gathered himself up and with courage and dignity thundered forth against one of the grimmest injustices of our e r a - - t h e $50 Martini lunch...
...And Mr...
...Howe felt some measure had to be taken to reassure his constituents whose confidence in him could not but be affected by: 1) his arrest and conviction, 2) mass resignations amongst his staff, 3) rejection of his candidacy by the state's Democrats, and 4) the arrest of his Campaign manager on charges of merchanting marijuana--all in all a depressing string of setbacks from which only a man of Mr...
...The nation's educators were heartened by evidence that college students are taking to their books with a renewed assiduity: thefts from college libraries have increased at all major campuses...
...Carter attempted to gain wider recognition by making campaign appearances in many areas which he had hitherto neglected...
...82 Campaigning by both major candidates revved up in September...
...Rockefeller's gesticulation that this distinguished intellectual review asked him to review the recent muckraking book about him, I Never IVanted To Be Vice President of Anything, for--as assistant managing editor Joseph P. Duggan said in his letter to Mr...
...Box 877 _9 Bloomington, Indiana 47401 Dear Baron: Please send me my very own Alternative Turkey Tee Shirt Immediately...
...Daniel Schorr, the selfless civil libertarian, has won his struggle to overcome the vengeful House Ethics Committee and is well on his way to becoming a 1970s eminence of the first water...
...On the evening of September 23 Mr, Ford and Mr...
...Even her tearful entreaties revealed a note of fierceness, convincing old hands in the Central Intelligence Agency that Mr...
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...He has taken the matter up with close advisers, and P/ayboy readers were assured that "God forgives me...
...82 Mr...
...In Burlington, Colorado, Mr...
...Yet Mr...
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...BARON VON KANNON _9 P.O...
...continued on page 3 7) 2 The A l t e r n a t i v e : An Ameriimn Spectator November 1976 THE CONTINUING CRISIS (continued from page 2) ý82 By the end of the month the lugubrious press conference of First Lieut...
...So no men...
...His cholesterol count must have been terrific...
...Rockefeller's reply almost as much as we await his next joyous political appearance...
...What is more it is given to lusting after women incessantly...
...You can't eatthis turkey, but you can wear it...
...Miss Patty Hearst was sentenced to seven years in the calaboose for her flamboyant tests of the Bill of Rights, and two Illinois men were arrested for attempting to sell a stolen flamingo to a northern Illinois zoo...
...The British pound sank to $1.64 on September 28, and all indications are that it will continue to follow the Empire into oblivion...
...In progressive Istanbul two orthodox Moslems spotted antinomianism running rampant in their wives and blasted them into the happy hunting grounds...
...To receive your very own Official Alternative Turkey Tee S h i r t - - o r to order one for some turkey on your Christmas list--please send the order form below (or a reasonable facsimile) with the appropriate amount of money to The Baron...
...Akepa Miakwe, a member of the illustrious Parliament of Goroka in the eastern highlands northwest of Port Moresby, Papua, complained that the price of skulls had risen to as much as $6,500...
...American economic indices were flummoxed by news at the end of the month that the composite index of leading economic indicators was down 1.5 percent...
...The debate was somewhat of a disappointment for the pundits who talked as though they were anticipating the prosopopoeias of Clay and Calhoun to stalk onto their screens, but the match had its moments...
...In Sweden a coalition of moderate parties ended the Socialists' forty-four-year domination of that country's politics and Prime Minister Olof Palme's seven-year tirade against the United States...
...82 In San Bernardino, California, Dr...
...After being convicted this summer of having entered into a commercial relation with two policewomen posing as bawds, Mr...
...Please make checks payable to The Baron...
...Across an area more vast than all Europe he created incomparable havoc...
...Evidence that international markets also were in confusion came when Mr...
...82 American newspapermen were reminded of their country's shameful McCarthy period when it was reported from Kenya that Ugandan secret police have closed the Kampala newspaper Afunno and tortured many of its reporters...
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...Charles Manson, the California religious leader, battles on to clear his good name...
...At any rate he eventually forked over $2,000 to the lady upon hearing her lawyers growl...
...Soon he will be spoken of in the same hushed tones generally reserved by the enlightened for such patriots as Messrs...
...Try to imagine what g r e a t fun he would have, and hence we would have, with all those who have been lusting this y e a r for the imperial crown: the twice-born Jimmy C a r t e r (the very name makes one giggle), going to and fro and up and down in the Republic, preaching the gospel of Love and Human Kindness, reminding those of us who have forgot t h a t we are all God's children...
...Belenko's wife suffers from what Kremlinologists term the "Mrs...
...The Official Alternative Turkey Tee Shirt (Paris Green on White) comes in three sizes: medium, large, and extra large...
...Ronald Reagan, whose B-movies were vastly s u p e r i o r to his performance as governor of California...
...A curious report that, and some are dismissing it as a ploy to attract interest in Mr...
...Mao was responsible for more bloodshed than Stalin...
...Carter considerable embarrassment especially at official ceremonies in the Georgia governor's mansion where it would start lusting violently after women of all sizes, even during sessions of gubernatorial backgammon...
...In his lifetime Mr...
Vol. 10 • November 1976 • No. 2
