The Continuing Crisis

...Woebegone "activists" take up the petit bourgeois coil in vegetarian restaurants and personal therapy infernos...

...Stockman triumphed with an unusual confection called worm cake...

...9 From June 6 to June 9 Europeans scanned the skies for a glimpse of a 258-pound, 6-foot-6 airborne buffoon, the diverting Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada, "Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa, in general, and Uganda, in particular...

...and in New Orleans the American Civil Liberties Union, attempting to raise funds for its campaign to put abortions within the reach of the poor, suffered a dismal public relations setback when that free abortion it auctioned off fetched but 130...

...Increasingly the pundits' commentary wanders off from matters presidential...

...Bruce Rosen...

...John Mitchell were finally imprisoned for their attempted coup d'btat during the Nixon madness...

...Flowers bloomed in the hearts of idealists all over America in mid-June when Mr...

...but all they found were the usual milling crowds of antelope and thousands of wild birds...

...Guy Strait, testified to a Senate subcommittee that pornographic films featuring children "might have been beneficial" to the youthful participants...

...9 Finally the Northern Bait and Ecology Farms' "nightcrawler and angleworm" bakeoff, which was reported in our April issue, has been baked off...

...Congratulations to Mrs...

...Furthermore her telephone has been bugged and some fiend has been feeding her dog a mystery substance causing it "to pass offensive gas...

...They are quizzical over his ostentatious hankering for culture, and the patriots amongst them redden with embarrassment over his adolescent enthusiasm for self-improvement courses in such ludicrous fare as speed reading...

...Brezhnev, the first Communist Party chairperson to become Soviet president, replaces Mr...

...9 On July 5, another helpless and hopeless victim of American society was moved to take action...

...Field Marshal Amin announced his intention to crash the Commonwealth Meeting and then disappeared noisily into the wild blue yonder aboard a caged Libyan aeroplane...

...Nonetheless the most tedious man to bedenizen the White House in recent years continues to demonstrate the ambiguous grace of parochial hum and fatuous drum...

...Haldeman and Mr...

...9 All over Europe the old political alignments are losing their hold on the populace, but on June 16 capitalist scoffers were faced with discomfiting proof of the amazing resilience of the Communist Party of the USSR There, after more than a half century of unrivalled strength, Mr...

...And only the more infantile among them wax giddy over the fact that the President's top aides-decamp are clowns-de-tout...

...Today the average Americano no longer fears for his freedoms or for the imminent bankrupting of the Republic, though he is terrorized by the prospect of being invited as a representative from the general citizenry to a White House dinner...

...Helen Cannon...

...9 In less than a year he and his hand-picked coterie of presidential yokels have managed to make the business of government almost wholly uninteresting...

...Nikolai Podgorny whose whereabouts are unknown...

...Despite luscious recipes for wiggle biscuits, chocolate worm delight, worm egg salad, and Mexican bean casserole mucho wormo, Mrs...

...Why America's thoughtful ambassador to the United Nations should attach himself to a recording device perplexed many seasoned observers, but some believe that Mr...

...RET 2 The Alternative: An American Spectator August/September 1977...

...9 In an apparent get-tough policy toward student dissidents, the revolutionary junta of Ethiopia has begun to use dynamite to execute rowdies...

...Irene Stockman, address unknown, who simply stunned the judges...

...And two pederasts in Riverside, California, are claiming the American record for mass murder...

...Rosenzweig dialed the wrong number, getting instead the Middlesex County office of the narcotics task force and a trip to the hoosegow...

...They may have butchered more than 28 young boys...

...Huey Newton returned from self-exile in Cuba, perhaps heralding the day when all true patriots like the Weatherpeople and the FBI's Ten Most Wanted can step forth and assume their rightful place at the forefront of American society...

...Old girl friends were contacted, cabinet members dropped in on some of his favorite old watering holes...

...On June 20 the Washington Star quoted Uganda's grief-stricken Vice President Mustafa Andrisi as he delivered a world-wide appeal for news of the missing Field Marshal: " I f you find him, please contact Uganda immediately...

...Cannon, of Golden, Colorado, has reported to the local sheriff's department that either the FBI or the CIA has been spraying her outside plants with a deadly chemical in an attempt to dissuade her from opposing nuclear experiments...

...For days government officials looked frantically for him...

...Luckily they aimed at his head and no vital organs were damaged, but Uganda was thrown into a funk when the ever-cautious president-for-life vamoosed into thin air...

...9 The movement for sexual equality took another of those tricky dialectical swerves, wfien women's groups in France blackjacked the French Parliament into making the retirement age for les femmes five years lower than for les hommes...

...Elsewhere, it appears that the nefarious American intelligence community is focusing its efforts against Mrs...

...The New York Review of Books grows placid, and even the diatribes of The Nation have dropped their theme of political apocalypse, stifled their obsession with bourgeois hellishness, and assumed the molecular structure of gossip columns...

...9 In London a dog urinating on the exposed electrical wires of a street lamp caused grave physical damage to his master...

...Unfortunately Mr...

...next he was soaring over western France...

...Within days of their incarceration the patriot Mr...

...9 Then on June 9 Radio Uganda declared that the crafty statesman bad foiled British security, slipped into London for undisclosed purposes, and returned to Uganda for a festive 11-mile ride in a sedan chair propelled by 19 head of British citizens...

...zweig of Roxbury, New Jersey, telephoned one of his customers notifying him of the arrival of a new shipment of vatuable weeds...

...Proof of the idiocy of our nation's marijuana users was provided when twentyyear-old marijuana merchant Mr...

...9 Despite the dolorous fate of the first politician to try it, His Excellency Andrew Young became the second American politician to intentionally bug himself when he appeared at a June 26 press conference with a tape recorder...

...Young, who had earlier catalogued as racists Presidents Ford, Nixon, Johnson, and Kennedy, the Swedes, the Russians, all tax-paying citizens of Queens, New York, and even himself, may have been bearing a recorded message from President Carter reminding him that loose lips sink ships...

...The Colorado Civil Liberties Union will doubtless be called in...

...The dignity and intelligence of a president who boasts of maintaining a constant program of light classics while he pores over affairs of state have become matters for debate wherever journalists palaver...

...The anxiety grew unbearable, and at London's Heathrow aerodrome nervous multitudes of British security agents queued up in vast lines before the sorely pressed public comfort stations...

...Lenin's political patrimony seemed more robust than ever when a frisky Politburo elevated to the presidency 70-year-old Mr...

...then Scotland...

...In Chicago a convicted child molester, Mr...

...THE C O N T I N U I N G CRISIS O . . . . . . . O~ . . . . . O O t . . . . . . . . O . . . . . . OQ . . . . . . . . . . . ~ . . . . . . . ~ . . . . . . . . O I I I O I . . . . . . I O O O O O . . . . . . . Q O J ~ O Q O ~ 4 ~ O O 4 4 Q I . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OO . . . . . . Q O U O . . . . . . . . . O _9 June 1 to July 14, and America staggers through the most infernal heat to scorch the West since the Dresden fire-bombing some years back...

...9 Once again the Ugandan President had proved that his would not be a do-nothing administration, but treachery awaited him, and though Senator George S. McGovern has done everything humanly possible to limit CIA mischief, an attempt on President Amin's life was perpetrated, by two gun-wielding scoundrels...

...It was not until the July meeting of the Organization of African Unity held in progressive Gabon that Mr...

...Luis Robinson hijacked a bus, crippled two passengers, murdered a young father, and killed a 60-yearold woman as her blind husband sat helplessly by, before surrendering and giving the Establishment one more chance to treat him like a human being...

...Leonid Brezhnev in one unanimous whoop of proletarian jubilation...

...Almost immediately Radio Uganda began issuing terrifying reports of the Third World magnifico's possible location...

...Amin was again seen in public, and looking none the worse for his ordeal, we are delighted to report...

...At first he was approaching Dublin...

...My guess is that when the journalists fall into accord on the Wonderboy's essential mediocrity and obtuseness, life in Washington will again resemble the whirl of downtown Beirut...

...Zounds[ _9 What theme the White House press corps will choose for reporting the Wonderboy's highjinks remains undivined, though my agents inform me that the Potomac College of Scribblers grows impatient with White House press releases attesting to the Wonderboy's Grade A cerebral cortex...

...The tedium that now invests the mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is reminiscent of those charnel hours during the sainted Wilson's hopeless invalidism, and the helpless White House guest's only refuge is a Baptist-brewed wine cooler...

...Twenty-six-year-old Mr...

...No longer are the headlines lurid with notifications of fresh White House initiatives...