Casual
HAYES, STEPHEN F.
Casual PROFILES IN FUTILITY "You know why we lost?" a red-faced Henry accusingly asked .A. me. This was four seasons ago, after my first game coaching the Black Bats, a soccer team of 5-year-olds,...
...STEPHEN F. HAYES...
...Shortly afterwards, the kids—with a cohesive defiance the AFL-CIO would envy—refused to practice ever again as the Black Bats...
...Remember, we switch directions at halftime...
...But our enforcer was 3'4" and 55 lbs...
...Nancy and Jack, two of the team's stars, huddled near midfield, totally oblivious to the game going on around them...
...But it is granted a major advantage: choice of goals to defend in the first half...
...I looked to the other coach, Frank Hyre, for some guidance...
...Henry pouted for ten minutes until Coach Hyre came up with a compromise that at the time seemed like a very good idea...
...We gave them until Friday to come up with their own proposals...
...Everyone knows what Goldums are...
...In the absence of a players' strike, our team has stuck with its peculiar name...
...The next game was our first home game, and though it would be played on the same field as the previous two, we were brimming with enthusiasm...
...On a normal field, with full-grown players such matters are of minimal importance...
...The players exchanged glances that signaled tentative approval, as if to say, "I'm in if you are...
...he asked, repeating a suggestion he had made earlier...
...We realized the second option risked hurt feelings, so when one of the quieter players offered the vigorous-sounding "Armadillos," we pounced...
...I've bought Golden Armadillo good-luck charms, and Coach Hyre has given out Golden Armadillo awards...
...But what about Goldums...
...Henry, what are Goldums...
...But in our case, such a tally is easy...
...Hmmpph," he sighed with indignation...
...Golden Armadillos it was...
...Our strategy was simple: Go downhill in the first half, rack up the goals, and demoralize the Rosemont Nightmare...
...The name, John and his teammates agreed, was to blame...
...We really had no choice...
...Either that, or I should have my brother take over...
...After that second consecutive high-scoring shutout, Coach Hyre and I gathered our players and reviewed the fundamentals...
...Winning doesn't matter," we said...
...Tie your shoes in double-knots...
...That's what losers always say," Jack scoffed...
...I've got it," he declared...
...Seizing on this momentary harmony, I contributed some nonsense about gold medals, the Olympics, world champions, and impenetrable outer shells...
...After the final whistle, the players stared angrily at us coaches...
...He smiled, shrugged his shoulders, and said nothing...
...In the twenty-odd games since becoming the Golden Armadillos, we've won only twice...
...Bewildered after the shellacking we'd just taken, Frank and I agreed to revisit the team name...
...Besides, the field was on such a slope that downhill momentum was no doubt the league's top scorer...
...But with just two wins in four seasons, I'm beginning to think we'd have better luck with a different name...
...I asked, trying to be patient...
...And with the best attendance ever at a practice, we went through the candidates, most of them predictable: Tigers, Bears, Pokémons...
...The three-banded armadillo can roll itself into a ball for protection," piped up the team brainiac...
...Done...
...Then we noticed Henry, sulking in a way that indicated trouble...
...One of those wins came when neither Coach Hyre nor I could make it, and my younger brother filled in as coach...
...With the ball lolling by their feet, they considered the relative merits of Snakes and Killer Sharks: "It's either just plain sharks or killer whales, you stupid idiot...
...In our league, the home team provides balls, referees, and linesmen...
...Much to our surprise and delight, eight of the nine players wanted to be Armadillos...
...But that match hadn't even ended when the team-name debate reignited in earnest...
...Listening to our description of Armadillos, one might think these were the toughest, fastest, smartest animals on the planet—a bit of a stretch—and that they were virtually indestructible—closer to the truth...
...Plenty of candidates, but no consensus...
...Do bats come in green or something...
...The Black Bats-cum-Blastoids did manage to score two goals, but the Rosemont Nightmare scored six...
...But before Henry could finish, John Edwin interrupted...
...This was four seasons ago, after my first game coaching the Black Bats, a soccer team of 5-year-olds, and, as matter of fact, I hadn't a clue why we lost...
...What are Black Bats anyway...
...Coach Hyre and I agreed to one last name change...
...Problem solved...
...Labor dispute settled, the newly minted Blastoids were, days later, crushed by the Spiders...
...The league doesn't keep track of wins and losses...
...We'll be the Golden Armadillos...
...No, orange peels are not mouthguards...
...Coach Hyre and I discussed whether to throw our collective weight behind one suggestion or, acknowledging the power of reverse psychology, to oppose vigorously just one...
Vol. 7 • December 2001 • No. 12
