Parody
Parody Alan Keyes endorses racial profiling during presidential debate on February 15, 2000. —News item Protecting the Riffraff State Since 1792 •MTV SOUTH CAROLINA STATE TROOPERS INCIDENT...
...Observed driver inside, a black male, gesticulating and shouting...
...Spotting me, driver pulled over, cuffed himself, and threw himself over hood of his own car...
...FOR USE BY BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIVE SERVICES ONLY Supervisor's Name:(please print) Unit Notified Time: Notifications, if appropriate, made by: Date of Supv...
...Classic drug-runner profile...
...Approached suspect...
...Claimed he was going to address an early morning minyan at the B'nai B'rith chapter at B°b Jones University...
...Offenses: Driving While Self-Intoxicated, Verbal Overindulge Insisting on arest, Impersonating a Commander in Chief Location: Route 9, between the Waffle House and Butch's Video Poker Reporting Officer: peducah Buford Report: While patrolling in suburban Florence, witnessed a '77 Dodge Dart with Maryland plates driving erratically...
...Returned with breathalyzer and administered test, which, astonishingly, proved negative...
...Asked suspect where he was headed at this late hour...
...News item Protecting the Riffraff State Since 1792 •MTV SOUTH CAROLINA STATE TROOPERS INCIDENT REPORT Suspect's Name: Alan Horatio Keyes Date of Arrest: 19 February 2000 Time:3:15a.m...
...I don't blame you for profiling me," he declared, "I blame members of my own race...
...In the middle of questioning, suspect mads a break for it, attempting to enter the rear seat of my cruiser, to turn himself in...
...Accelerated and trailed car, observing "Honk if You...
...If the mothers and fathers of our young men and women and the curators of our moral civilization do not raise their offspring to pay obsequious homage to the jackboot and just, juridical, and constitutionally ordained authority, then let us abase ourselves in honorable homage to the strictures of transcendent legitimacy as endowed by our Creator, our Founds:^ and the men and women who established the concourse of primacy over this highway, this state, and this realm...
...Approval/Time: Case Status...
...Saw flashes of jewelry, a chain around his neck...
...Asked if 1 could at least get him five minutes of airtime on tetevi-sion program "Cops...
...Suspect pleaded with me to join his assault on "moral crisis facmg this nation" and mentioned a possible accomplice, apparently named Spengler...
...Confiscated copies of Southern Partisan and CD from "The Ring Cycle" for further review...
...Searched veMote...
...Love Mel Bradford" bumper sticker on rear of car and spray of moisture on inside of front windshield...
...Found cases of Jolt cola, several hundred empty teriyaki flavored beef jerky wrappers, and strange collection of bumper stickers "Keyes 2000," "Keyes 2004," "Keyes 2008," "Keyes 2012...
...Suspect demanded to be arrested and vowed hunger strike if released...
Vol. 5 • February 2000 • No. 23
