PICK ME A CANDIDATE

LABASH, MATT

Casual PICK ME A CANDIDATE Every four years, I use the period of quiet contemplation that precedes the mad swirl of caucuses and primaries to make myself a better citizen/ journalist. I do so...

...That bothers me...
...By the end, I was more confused than when Iíd started...
...For instance, like my fellow evangelical Huckabee, I too tend to think that Mormons should only be trusted if their names are Donny and Marie...
...Maybe those Mormons arenít so bad after all...
...I do so by abandoning my usual political position of completely disengaged nihilism, upgrading to a more civically conscious indifferent cynicism...
...But the candidate selectors seemed rather confused by this basic belief system...
...Like Giuliani, I regard myself as a war hero even though Iíve never actually served...
...Sometimes, however, it pays to get past the cosmetic concerns by which we tend to judge candidates (who has the best teeth, who has the cutest love child) and hunker down and fi gure out which candidate best represents our worldview...
...Also, Iím a Gemini...
...Then there are all those confusing issues...
...I regard myself as a fi scal and social conservative with strong libertarian overtones...
...So I do keep up...
...Some might ask how Iíve managed to work 12 years at a political magazine, having such a distaste for the racket...
...But the results were dispiriting...
...Also, itís not as though I donít fi nd at least something redeeming in most of the candidates to which I can relate...
...Yet I donít want illegals deported, or brought in from the shadows, at least not until they fi nish my siding (my man Lupe is an artist with a nail gun...
...Politically, Iím not terribly complicated...
...Like McCain, I regard myself as a war hero...
...But as a professional apathist, Iím easily distracted...
...On ABC Newsís Match-o-Matic selector, Chris Dodd, Duncan Hunter, and Hillary Clinton were my 1-2-3 photo fi nish, which is odd, as Iíd rather lose my right to vote than vote for any of them...
...I have opinions on them, but my opinions seem to work against each other...
...I suppose I mustíve changed some positions a few times along the way, but if Mitt Romney hasnít been penalized, why should I? According to my results, the candidate for me is everyone from Mike Huckabee to Rudy Giuliani to Ron Paul, pretty much the entire spectrum of Republican candidates...
...I was going to take several more tests, just to see if a consensus could be built...
...I actually like foreigners, with their funny accents and pungent foods, but Iím tired of meeting new people...
...Now, I believe Iíll give the Religion Selector a spin...
...Itís a fair question, one my boss asks often...
...Turn-ons include low taxes, balanced budgets, and a robust military...
...In fact, Iím against legal immigration...
...I give them tax-free income...
...com, I grew bored with politics and got much more interested in their other selector programs, such as the Swear Word Selector, which determines what word Iíd be if I were a foul one (codswallop), or the Serial Killer Selector, which approximates which serial killer I most resemble (Henry Lee Lucas...
...Turnoffs include waging unwinnable wars, government intervention, and mean people...
...Actually, that is the problem...
...For instance, Iím virulently against illegal immigration...
...While the rest of the press pillories Fred Thompson for being a lazy candidate and for giving fl ip answers such as saying that his most prized possession is his ďtrophy wife,Ē I like him...
...MATT LABASH...
...But itís not as though I donít stay engaged enough to talk shop with the fellas...
...Just this morning, I was telling them that as long as he fi nishes at least a respectable third in Iowa, then mounts an air-assault on his opponents in New Hampshire, this Lamar Alexander could be trouble...
...Why not...
...With this in mind, I hit a slew of Internet presidential candidate selectors, which vary widely in specifi city of issues, but which let your conscience, or their own Boolean logic, be your guide...
...On SelectSmart...
...I took a bunch of online issues quizzes, and wonít get into the specifics of my conscience, such as it is...
...Itís win-win, when you think about it...
...The problem isnít that I dislike politicians, who tend to be self-involved, humorless automatons whoíd rather eat their kidsí pets than answer questions directly, and who spend their entire adult lives saying just about anything necessary to gain the affection of total strangers...
...Best I can tell, heís the only candidate who has more contempt for the process than I do...
...They give me quality work at affordable prices...

Vol. 13 • December 2008 • No. 16


 
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