2007 Resolutions
Durst, Will
Off the Map Will Durst 2007 Resolutions 2006 was to years what O. J. Simpson is to manners and propriety seminars. Like Paris Hilton and advanced trigonometry texts. Michael Richards and...
...The long distance giants affirm their commitment to continue merging and merging and merging until they eventually coalesce into one single entity which they will rename Ma Bell...
...The year that Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and the victim apologized...
...Because we resolve it to be...
...Kate Moss resolves to eat a hamburger every time she even thinks of snorting a line of coke...
...Oh wait, sorry, that’s get caught assassinating another journalist...
...Vladimir Putin makes an oath to do everything in his power to keep from ever having to assassinate another journalist...
...This one’s going to be different...
...Tony Snow takes an oath to never open another White House press conference with “Who wants a piece of me...
...Or ex-KGB agent...
...Everybody uses the posting of a new calendar to make plans to change their nefarious ways...
...Here’s a list of resolutions that people should have made on January 1, but probably didn’t: George Bush’s staff pledges to make sure that all reports sent to him come with plenty of pictures, broadly drawn cartoons, and a new pack of crayons...
...You know: diet, quit smoking, more exercise, stop invading countries, less killing of innocent people...
...Dennis Kucinich vows that in this year’s Iowa straw poll, he will not lose to the straw...
...Yeah...
...The year that Americans found out they were being spied on by their own government and their collective response was a yawn wide enough to erect a gift shop inside and start offering donkey tours of the bottom...
...Boring do-gooder stuff, mostly...
...A reinvigorated Al Gore vows to use strobe lights during press conferences to give the appearance of movement...
...It was the year the President put his hands over his ears and made “la la la” noises whenever confronted with any sort of discouraging word concerning what he deemed proper for the citizens of Iraq, whether it came from the citizens of Iraq, the citizens of America, his own intelligence estimates, bipartisan study groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog...
...Meant for the furthering of the self...
...Subtract the single sublime twentyfour-hour period of time that was November 7th from the other 8,736 hours we slogged through, and you got yourself a pretty grisly swamp of an annum...
...Unh hunh...
...Michael Richards and Martin Luther King Dinner keynote speeches...
...The Iraq Study Group vows to try and capture the President’s attention by re-releasing its report under the name Iraq Recess Group...
...Bill O’Reilly vows to defy that Al Qaeda death list, whether it exists or not...
...Will Durst is a comedian of sorts and his commentaries can be heard twice weekly at audible.com/willdurst...
...Or Moscow businessman...
...California’s new attorney general, Jerry Brown, promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is this Earth and more on crime in the Golden State...
...But this year, 2007, aha...
...Why...
...Trent Lott commits himself, sometime, during the year, to stumble onto the boarding platform of the Clue Train...
...Snoop Dogg determines this is the year he gets his face off the default position of police department mug shot computer programs...
...Illinois Senator Barack Hussein Obama vows he will now be known as Barry...
...Democrats pledge to work out their differences with those hardline partisan hacks who refuse to compromise before reaching out to Republicans...
Vol. 71 • February 2007 • No. 2
