DOPESTERS HAVE MORE FUN

Durst, Will

OFF THE MAP Will Durst Dopesters Have More Fun It gets weirder and weirder. Jack Davis, the San Francisco political consultant in charge of convincing voters they should spend $100 million for...

...Only worked four times a day: quarter to three and fifteen after nine.B...
...For watching...
...To make up for it, the station paid for the tolls today through Tuesday...
...San Francisco's reputation as Gomorrah by the Sea is secure for at least another two generations...
...The anti-drug crowd's little refrain has gotten more tiresome than a Michael Bolton record: Marijuana, the heathen devil weed, causes severe brain damage and various incurable strains of VD...
...Is their philosophical world centered around Roadrunner cartoons...
...Nine dozen hammers, right...
...And they're right to feel maligned...
...Have you noticed they have an increased tendency to fall asleep while operating gas-powered yard tools...
...The guy probably cries at AT&T commercials...
...Now, the sadomasochist community has chimed in with their two cents' worth...
...Then we'll see who can play hardball...
...He called it the Apache Whiskey Ride, and said it was all to illustrate how the Indians were ruined when the white man forced liquor on them, although, if that's how they drank it, you have to wonder about the effect...
...Big freakin' deal...
...Hey, settle down peoples of the Earth...
...Let Kasparov challenge Deep Blue to a guts match of Twister and see what happens...
...In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, my home town, if you ask for an espresso coffee, they still think you want it real quick...
...Causing, of course, a backup...
...I bet they tried a Jesus watch but couldn't get it out of the design room...
...If it hadn't been for us bipeds teaching Deep Blue how to cheat real good, that mass of silicon would have begun smoking like a four-pack-a-day-garage-band bass player after the third move...
...For crum's sake, it grows in the Will Durst can't play chess...
...Sometimes I think our public officials are so stuck in the 1930s they should all be wearing spats...
...Naw, she probably just heard so much about the fabulous Palo Alto nightlife...
...So to believe the newspapers, humankind is doomed because a bunch of circuits and wires made Gary Kasparov cry...
...Are the burn holes in their denim jackets referred to as "the bombing pattern...
...I it didn't, really big corporations wouldn't spend millions of dollars advertising day* glo plastic crap that kids aren't sure if they're supposed to eat, wear, or spread^ on the spokes of their bikes...
...We still regularly crush them in Chinese checkers and Yahtzee, don't we...
...Of course, this report was broadcast on the same news program that featured tape of thjB carnage caused by a suicide-bomb explW sion in Jerusalem...
...The majorest bad guy is, once again, us...
...After all, what's a measly $18 billion amongst friends...
...ground...
...The GAO says military bookkeepers can't find $43 billion...
...Can invertebrates be far behind: Another study concerning violence|p television has been released and the prising conclusion is that violence on television is bad...
...In more current news, Chelsea picks Stanford over Princeton...
...And guess what...
...We owe them change...
...First the Indian community complained...
...Let's see the Almighty Wired One handle a table full of drunken heckling tourists during a second show Friday...
...Congress just congratulated Strom Thurmond on still being the oldest politician in America...
...The Pentagon claims only $18 billion is unaccounted for...
...If it's bad for you, doesn't that mean God screwed up...
...Ye| TV affects impressionable young minds...
...Even the performance artist is against it The Barbary Coast thrives again...
...Do they wear sunglasses at odd hours of the day, like at the breakfast table...
...In San Francisco, a radio stunt gone bad caused a backup on the Bay Bridge a couple of years ago...
...Damn right...
...You don't think it's got anything to do with the campus being 2,800 miles further from D.C., do you...
...Swatch just released a Che Guevart watch...
...In Angels Camp, California, the winner of the annual Calaveras frog-Jumping contest was named Budweiser...
...Do they break into giggling fits for no apparent reason...
...Besides, who do you think programmed the stupid computer...
...Jack Davis, the San Francisco political consultant in charge of convincing voters they should spend $100 million for the San Francisco Forty-Niners' new stadium, had a birthday party that would have made Caligula grab his date and gallop off...
...Personally, I don't think he's wound all that tight to begin with...
...Think of this: Everybody who ever smoked dope has died, especially jazz musicians...
...Does their major source of protein come from individually wrapped packets of Cheetos...
...When's the last time you got a pina colada off the cocktail tree...
...If you suspect your son, daughter, or boss of smoking marijuana, ask yourself these few simple questions: Are they having too much fun...
...Are they confused by their shoes...
...He lost a chess game to a computer...
...In a blatant attempt to curry favor with the integral S/M swing vote, party planners hired a self-described Indian satanist performance artist, who had a pentagram carved in his back, got urinated on, and then had a bottle of Jack Daniels planted in his behind...
...They refuse to accept that pot can be used as a cheap, effective medicine...
...Obviously, the worktf some Beavis & Butthead aficionado...
...Apparently, real sadomasochists have a more developed sense of taste and a better circle of friends...
...The funniest part is they're against the stadium anyway...
...Now they're sponsoring actual amphibians...

Vol. 61 • July 1997 • No. 7


 
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