OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Professional Jealousy You know what scares me? Television. No, I don't mean what's on it. Full House going into syndication, OK, that is frightening. But what really...
...Do these self-righteous hogs also believe shot glasses cause alcoholism...
...Do the right thing, guys, hand out clean syringes...
...Here in England, the big news is that Eric Can-tona, who plays for perennial powerhouse Manchester United, is about to return after being suspended eight months for leaping into the stands and scissors-kicking a fan...
...And they took away his Nike endorsement...
...No matter what our Congressional weenies would like us to believe by their refusal to allow federal funds to be used for these programs...
...Talk about capital punishment...
...Wing it...
...The History of Steam...
...The bad news is she now has that much more air time to devote to her singing career...
...Edinburgh, Scotland, where even the hecklers are civilized: 'Screw off back to America, yank.' 'Excuse met' 'Sorry, mate, plod on with your interminable presentation, then.' First Nixon abdicated because of tapes, now Packwood resigns because of his diaries...
...A National Research Council study determined the spread of the AIDS virus is drastically reduced when addicts can trade in dirty syringes for clean ones...
...So the Iowa straw poll ended in a dead heat between Bob Dole and Phil Gramm...
...Which means the first impression aliens are going to have of Earth is that we're a population of freaks and wackos...
...Governor Pete Wilson is expected to call for tighter restrictions on the border...
...Or at least use a code...
...When discussing sexual conquests, a baseball scoring grid with a pitch count might suffice...
...You do have to give Packwood credit for giving it the old Congressional try, though...
...When discussing illegal campaign contributions, don't write: "What was said in that room was enough to convict us all...
...So here is Durst's handy guide to scam-ming your way through to your pension: 1) Don't take notes...
...Our initial contact with extra-terrestrial life will be our TV shows...
...Which rings more authentic to you...
...No, I mean the ONLY thing on television...
...Sacramento, California...
...Now that's one difference between them and us...
...Get me home...
...Think of Ron's letter to the press announcing he had Alzheimer's...
...I don't recall," or, "I was lying then, but I'm not now...
...So what do you think: they worried about competition or professional jealousy?* Will Durst is busy storing nuts for the winter...
...My theory is Reagan wrote the letter fifteen years ago and just forgot to mail it...
...3) When you get caught, burn the evidence...
...Yeah, sure, I grasp society's perverse attraction to criminals hazing themselves, but then let's level the playing field and simultaneously give the Christian Coalition Convention the right to burn heretics...
...ET watches ET...
...Easy answer: ban milkshakes...
...Hand Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson the pilot torches and you might winnow the GOP candidate field to about three...
...A bunch of crudely drawn smiley faces behind bars gives the same basic information...
...The secret seems pretty easy to me...
...Four channels...
...We'll be invaded by twelve-foot spiny cacti, and the only leaders they'll consent to meet will be the Doublemint Twins...
...It's true—Washington just doesn't get it...
...We're talking saving lives here, not to mention something Congress claims to understand: money...
...San Francisco, where this autumn, Northern California expects the largest waterfowl migration since populations have been counted...
...Don't recall...
...Want to stem teenage pregnancy...
...That makes sense...
...And the exchange does not encourage illegal drug use...
...Still got a herring the size of Greenland stuck in their craw that we hosted World Cup Soccer last year...
...You watch...
...2) Be creative...
...Chicago is busy sweeping prostitutes from the streets in anticipation of next year's Democratic convention...
...Soon...
...Face it, Americans care about soccer the same way a cockroach cares about the United Auto Workers pension fund...
...We would have given him a Nike endorsement...
...All you got to do is build a bonfire from alligator briefcases and you conquer greed...
...Fortunately, they didn't use a wet T-shirt contest as a tiebreaker...
...Former Alabama Governor George Wallace endorsed Bob Dole for President, which seems to indicate detective Mark Fuhrman has decided not to run...
...London, England, where the only thing on television at 2:30 in the morning was The History of Steam...
...Who knew...
...They'll assume everyone is packing heat, families are run by smart-ass little kids, drinking beer makes you beautiful, and all of humanity is obsessed with how everyone smells...
...The other three channels were closed for the night...
...Of course you might want to think twice about making that an exchange program...
...Pull a Reagan...
...But what really worries me is that television is broadcasting frequencies that are shooting into space as cathode-ray ambassadors...
...And while you're at it, condoms...
...EvPAUL CORIO eryone knows forks are the root cause of obesity...
...They call their soccer football and take it pretty seriously over here...
...Kathie Lee Gifford will no longer continue to co-host the Miss America pageant...
...He said out loud in front of television cameras that some of the stuff he wrote in his diary wasn't true...
...Then, through photosynthesis, they'll create garbled sounds which, after great effort, will be translated as, "It don't get any better than this...
...There would have been a freeze-frame close-up of the swoosh on his shoe hitting that yob's chest: "Nike . . . Just Do It...
Vol. 59 • November 1995 • No. 11
