OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Common Ground In 1950, perhaps under Orson Welles's porch, scientists discovered a mutant obese mouse. Forty-five years later, they managed to isolate the gene this mouse...
...Pete Wilson's campaign slipped into overdrive, as he received high praise from another Aryan Nations leader, Richard Butler...
...Of course, as we speak, industrial espionage is being carried out by a consortium financed through Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Slimfast, to discredit the research...
...A lard balm...
...The universe may continue to expand, but we won't have to anymore...
...Alab ama Prison Commissioner Ron Jones, the gentle ghoul responsible for reviving chain gangs in May, has just reinsti-tuted that Hollywood staple, the rock pile...
...Me, I love to inhale the exhaust of a burning cylindrical tube full of tobacco into my respiratory cavities, filling the pores of my lungs with tar on purpose, how 'bout you...
...Well, yeah, sure...
...Marriages will be saved because husbands will no longer be terrorized by having to answer the question: "Honey, do these pants make me look fat...
...No heroes left, huh...
...In a public-relations move that rivals pesticides in baby food, George Steinbrenner hired Darryl Strawberry...
...Family Values himself, Newt Gingrich...
...San Francisco, where handicapped ramps are being installed in Candlestick Park's dugouts...
...Or, my guess, both...
...Banning brand-name sponsorship of sporting events is what's going to get him into the most trouble...
...Exercise...
...Perhaps a future as a consultant in the burgeoning gravel-analysis field...
...Fat will start being where it's at...
...Howe, still in baseball, is a seven-time loser, which just proves that lacking a decent left-handed curve has cost Charlie Manson a shot at being called up by the Yankees...
...Not to her...
...Just as 6-4-3 has become a shortstop-initiated double-play instead of the attendance figure, baseball decides to go through what you might call your mid-season crisis...
...If everyone can be skinny, thin won't be in...
...and yogurt...
...Might want to wear long pants while playing fris-bee near it...
...Not to mention the chance to furnish children with a remote Cat's Cradle playground...
...You know, if the British press didn't have Uncle Sam to kick around, I think they'd chew off their own paw and blame us for the hairballs...
...Won't be long before South Africa starts slapping sanctions on California...
...Edinburgh, Scotland, where another study of violence on television has been released...
...He said turning rocks into gravel is "something meaningful for these inmates...
...Porky pills...
...That's right, we Americans are on the verge of realizing our dream to lose weight by eating ice cream...
...Richard Simmons's undies are in a massive, quivering bundle...
...So, hopefully, he will no longer have to support himself by giving tax advice to Willie McCovey and Duke Snyder...
...Hell hath no fury like a Winston Cup racing fan scorned...
...Then, Yankee pitcher Jack McDowell flipped the bird to fans in Yankee Stadium after being pulled from the game...
...L.A...
...I'm sure it's possible for some state agency to fund studies that would find inscription into the galleys of slave ships increases hand-eye coordination, promotes upper-body development, and supplies crucial hands-on training in both timing and teamwork...
...He's come out against teen-age smoking...
...While he was married...
...Forty-five years later, they managed to isolate the gene this mouse failed to produce and now they think they might have an anti-fat drug...
...Need anything big smashed into itsy-bitsy little pieces, ma'am...
...The thing is, man is an excluding animal...
...I couldn't figure out if this was simply a traditional New York farewell, or perhaps Jack was just showcasing his skills for a future job in management...
...Of the stocks, it could be said they create a disciplined environment for meditation...
...Can't wait for his position paper on crib death...
...Dream on Big River—I got a prescription...
...Yogurt has an active culture...
...When asked why she was coming out with this sordid tale twenty years after the fact, she replied, "He should be stopped before it's too late...
...Couldn't happen to a nicer guy...
...Who knew they'd be lying down on it with their pants around their knees?M Will Durst would like to thank the San Francisco Giants for trading Dave Burba for some used catcher's equipment...
...Pete Wilson needs this kind of help the way a field mouse needs a hawk convention...
...Next thing you know he'll lodge his unequivocal aversion to chigger mites...
...We still came out ahead...
...Oooh, Clinton has really climbed out on a political limb now...
...Sounds like either the ADA is being applied without reference to common sense or the city has been paying close attention to the Giants' play this year...
...To Darryl, the seventh-inning stretch means he has to make a quarter gram last the rest of the game...
...The good news is, Newt and Clinton finally have that common ground they were so desperately seeking...
...And since he is a teammate of Steve Howe, the Yankees now sport two players who are forbidden by law to consort with one another...
...Maybe they should think of holding Yankee Fan Appreciation Day during a road trip...
...A corpulence capsule...
...Edinburgh, Scotland, where it rains so much it is theorized by some that Scottish redheads are nothing more than English lassies overcome with rust...
...Welcome to the flea circus, Pete...
...After they get out of jail, think of all the opportunities their learned skills will avail them...
...That load of West Virginia dusky quartz tends to stay sharp...
...Which means either she's a Democrat or he must be pretty lousy in bed...
...She's the Arizona housewife who held herself up to world-wide ridicule by revealing she had slept with Mr...
...Montana...
...What about Anne Manning...
...Many of the so-called barbaric punishments of old might provide hidden benefits for the modern inmate...
...At the Aryan World Congress, in Hayden Lake, Idaho, the seventy-eight-year-old pastor of the Church of the Stunted Cerebellum said Wilson "is beginning to wake up," and went on to criticize Caucasians who deny the superiority of their own race, calling them "traitors who are white outside, black inside, and have Jewish minds...
...Wow...
...Trendy clubs will feature lots of whipped-cream drinks, and lovers will reminisce about when they were first sucked into the folds of each other's flesh by gravitational force...
...And the majorest bad guy is, once again, the U.S.A...
...What's the difference between L.A...
...Doesn't have a very inclusive ring, does it...
...The incredibly surprising conclusion is that violence on television is bad...
...Uh, they could work as door-to-door freelance pulverizers...
...The Iron Maiden: perfect for administering nonsupervised acupuncture treatment...
...on purpose...
...Yes, she has seen the Newtmeister naked and, incredibly, was not struck blind...
...Yee-ha...
...There's an old saying, something like, "If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas...
Vol. 59 • October 1995 • No. 10
