THE LAST WORLD

Neher, Jacques

THE LAST WORD Gentlemen, start your engines Jacques Neher After a series of fizzlers, President Carter's race track scheme for deploying the MX missile borders on sheer brilliance. Unlike his...

...The next day, with Howard Cosell covering the race for the United States, the fastest entries on each side will leave the starting gate simultaneously...
...Neutrons...
...And that will be the end of the competition until the next summer...
...The Russians will be allowed to add ideological slogans to theirs, while our fleet will be plastered with the bright corporate decals of such sponsors as General Dynamics, Hughes Aircraft, and Westinghouse — companies that have had to keep a low profile on their military business up to now...
...Verification, as the President has already indicated, is the key to the plan...
...However, these too will be monitored by spy satellites so there will be no advantage in letting the tire change and Plutonium check take any longer than absolutely necessary...
...Before the start of Superpower Bowl I, a parade will be held, dedicated to the theme of military mobility and sport...
...Public-service spot announcements will solicit contributions to support our team of race-missile drivers, the U.S...
...Of course, corporate advertising tie-ins will be exploited in television commercials: "Perrier...
...On Deployment Day, 1988, both superpowers are to line up their best missiles at the gates of their respective tracks for the world-televised time trials...
...The missiles themselves will be painted in national colors and symbols...
...This, naturally, will be the big media event of the year...
...Not only does it tap America's basic competitive need for a fast lap around the track, but the prospect of our nuclear-tipped missiles zooming round and round — an ultimate "Firecracker 500" — fulfills our psychological desire to remain mobile, especially since successive fuel crises have put a damper on our personal mobility...
...This thing could really mushroom...
...the Marines doing daredevil stunts on skate boards...
...One of the tremendous benefits of this new sport is that it will make people feel good about nuclear arms proliferation, which should keep the defense contractors happy as they gear up to supply the world with custom-made racing missiles...
...Spectator grandstands will be erected around the tracks for die-hard fans, while bomb-proof and radiation-proof loges will be built for the comfort of the sports writers...
...The race itself will be monitored by a special United Nations War Sports Committee, which will also present the winning country with a gold warhead-shaped trophy...
...Thanks to corporate and individual sponsorship, the defense budget could eventually be whittled down to nothing...
...Of course, the Pentagon would always receive a minor appropriation for routine track maintenance...
...Jacques Neher is an associate editor of Advertising Age...
...Few imagined he would try to make it more exciting by bringing a literal translation to the words...
...However, here are the details, as leaked from the TOP SECRET document, "The Atomic Grand Prix," which will form the essence of SALT III: According to the document, the Soviet Union will break ground on its first missile race track the same day as the United States, constructing the huge oval in exactly the same size and configuration...
...Tentative plans call for representation by all four branches of the U.S...
...Since his earliest campaign days, the President has promised he would do something about the nuclear arms race...
...the Navy dazzling all with its water show, and the Air Force bringing up the rear, high above in their multi-colored hang-gliders...
...Spy satellites will be used not only to transmit the television signals but to verify each nation's track times...
...The first missile of each team to complete 100 laps of the fifteen-mile course gets the checkered flag and wins the right to advance to the Superpower Bowl, an invitational world championship race to be held each October in Geneva...
...the official water of the Nuclear Arms Race...
...Who knows...
...Unlike his previous hole-in-the-ground method, which never gained much popularity because few considered the shell game an all-American sport, this new deployment idea is based on the biggest spectator sport of them all — racing...
...As in auto racing, each team will be allowed as many silo-stops as it needs...
...military: The Army dancing disco on roller skates...
...As other countries can afford to compete in the Nuclear Arms Race, they, too, will be guaranteed a spot at the starting gate in Geneva...

Vol. 43 • December 1979 • No. 12


 
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