SO LONG, PENELOPE
Serwer, Arnold
So Long, Penelope by ARNOLD SERWER "Homer is not a very good writer. He should rewrite the Odyssey with more up-to-date incidents." —A child's comment to Bel Kaufman, author of Up the Down...
...No," said Odysseus, who minded a great deal...
...His son Telemachus was serving in Vietnam, most of Odysseus' friends had died or moved away, and even the children around Ithaca had grown tired of his stories of the Trojan war and his wanderings afterward...
...I never made a cent out of the book, or the movie either...
...With your horse we can take Hanoi from the inside...
...You had yourself a good time on that pig farm with Circe," she would complain, "so I don't see why you and Telemachus couldn't have spared a few of my boy friends...
...We have a few pickets around here, too, from time to time...
...Didn't you read the book...
...How do you feel,about the Vietnam war...
...It's the most ingenious thing I ever heard of...
...And I never saw the picture...
...Are you still drawing your military pension, Odd...
...The next morning the enemy discovers the huge horse and, curious as children, they drag it inside the gates...
...He might be able to help me with Vietnam...
...In fact, Odd, most of what I know about you comes from a briefing one of my aides gave me yesterday, and most of that dealt with your recent troubles...
...I'm a pacifist...
...said LBJ...
...It will save time...
...You seem to be turning over something in your mind...
...But I do know your reputation for wiliness...
...By Zeus...
...The whole ruckus was widely reported...
...No more war stories, please," said one kid...
...It just came to me on the spur of the moment," the wily old Greek said modestly...
...Our man cut Hector to pieces...
...Those Ithaca kids blame me," said Odysseus ruefully, "but how was I to know that Homer would go around singing about my exploits, and somebody would put it all in a book...
...he exclaimed, "Washington is beautiful...
...A child's comment to Bel Kaufman, author of Up the Down Staircase...
...Put in more archers...
...Helen made a lot of trouble for Paris," said Odysseus...
...If Penelope wasn't locking herself in the bedroom to shed a tear for some one or other of her one hundred and twelve slaughtered suitors, she was berating Odysseus about Circe...
...I'm a tough old soldier who believes in winning wars even if it takes as long as it took us to conquer Troy...
...Maybe we should call you back into service...
...At the White House an aide briefed President Johnson about the incident and the hard times that had come upon Odysseus...
...Go on," said LBJ eagerly...
...By Zeus...
...Bring him to my office at nine sharp tomorrow morning...
...Sometimes she would combine these grievances...
...I can't hear you...
...I could blow the city to bits with bombers...
...But how do we defeat Hanoi...
...What about Paris...
...But I don't want to—it would be too terrible...
...But it was great for Greek morale and it shook the Trojans right down to their sandals...
...We heard it from you fifty times already...
...Odysseus muttered softly into his beard: ". . . he can't remember the book . . . never saw the picture . . . hmm, well, why not...
...First," said the President, "I want to express my sympathy to you, an old soldier and hero, for the way they have been treating you back home...
...Another would cry out: "Oh, no, you're not gonna tell us again how you filled the wooden horse with Greeks and captured Troy...
...I'll get Bob McNamara over here on the double to hear your whole plan...
...Good...
...I miss Albert with the pearly teeth, and Basil with the curly beard, and . . ." While Penelope mourned her way through the list, Odysseus would think sadly of Circe with her magic Cokes, Calypso with her golden Singer sewing machine, Rose with the turned-up nose, and a few other old girl friends...
...it might work...
...Mind if I call you Odd...
...Big enough to hide a thousand heavily armed soldiers inside...
...exclaimed Odysseus, feeling his old self again as a military adviser to the mighty...
...One pitch black night we pull it up to the gates of Hanoi without being seen...
...The next morning a helicopter settled down on the White House lawn and Odysseus stepped out...
...Speak up, General," said the President...
...Send Odd to Vietnam...
...Late that night the soldiers pour out of the horse and . . ." "Wait a minute," said LBJ excitedly...
...Helen who...
...Now really, Odd," snapped LBJ...
...A time came, long after his return home, when Odysseus realized that life in Ithaca had turned sour...
...I think I've got it—a scheme to capture Hanoi...
...That would keep them out of Cornell which they hoped to attend in order to watch football...
...Well, we build a horse, a huge wooden horse...
...Some of the Ithaca high school students were afraid they would flunk in English because they were having trouble with Homer's Odyssey...
...What we did at one point," said Odysseus, "was to send our champion, Achilles, to fight their heavyweight, Hector...
...A long time ago," said LBJ, "but I've forgotten nearly all of it...
...I hope it is some plan to deal with Hanoi...
...One day a crowd of students turned up in front of his palace with picket signs: "A Man Who Will Blind a Cyclops Will Kick a Dog...
...Blacken the sky over Hanoi with arrows...
...No, Troy did not surrender...
...He bowed his head and silently thanked Athena for offering him a road that led away from Penelope...
...They came to resent Odysseus whom they called Odd, and not just for short...
...Did Troy surrender...
...Sounds like a tough old soldier," said LBJ...
...No Odd — No Homer — No School...
...asked the pilot but the Ithacan with the funny swear words was being led off to the President's office...
...said the pilot...
Vol. 36 • June 1966 • No. 6
