How Spiro Agnew Was Chosen
ROSTEN, LEO
Perspectives HOW SPIRO AGNEW WAS CHOSEN BY LEO ROSTEN Are you still wondering how Richard Nixon came to choose Spiro Agnew as his running mate? I happen to know the inside story. Two years ago,...
...Luckily, the desk clerk at the Tahiti Turmoil said, "We have an Agnew registered, and I rike him very much...
...Let's look him up in Who's Who," said Melvin Laird...
...hello...
...asked Nixon...
...Spiro Agnew," in a Polish accent no one can explain...
...thundered Nixon...
...Strangling sounds were heard, but Nixon coolly recovered: "Let me make one thing absolutely clear: I like Nelson just as much as the next fellow [the next fellow happened to be Barry Goldwater, who doesn't like Rockefeller one bit], but let's face it, gang: Nelson looks like a new car salesman...
...hello...
...There are three of us in here...
...The only man with enough savvy to advertise...
...Someone suggested Ronald Reagan, and is doing nicely now at the convalescent home...
...snapped Nixon...
...He's not in Who's Who...
...He is also a special editorial adviser to Look...
...He's too tall for a V.P...
...Maybe you should put your name in the yellow pages...
...said Nixon in a very even tone...
...I think so," said Governor Agnew...
...Get a phone book...
...We—are—going—to—run for the Presidency and Vice Presidency of the United States of—hello...
...Look it up yourself: Spiro T. Agnew is not in Who's Who: 1966-1968...
...Spiro T. Agnew...
...Impossible...
...I want you to run with, not alongside, me...
...Who is he...
...Who...
...Nixon, "when I go shopping, I consult the yellow pages...
...I want Spiro T. Agnew...
...You might try for Vice President...
...Where are we going to run...
...It was a sad moment for our immigration policy...
...He had the hardest time dropping Kaminsky, who was half-Arab, half-Jewish, had married a Negress and converted to Catholicism after 12 years as a Baptist choir boy...
...Pass the chili sauce," said the Governor, remembering his marriage vows...
...That's true," sighed Mrs...
...Page him...
...Strom Thurmond said, "I think he's Mayor of South Dakota...
...Well, they had a helluva hard time locating their man, because there are so many motels in Miami...
...Nixon consulted that invaluable pantheon of self-inflation...
...In the steam room, a dripping form lifted the phone...
...Now, to his assembled loved ones and advisers, Nixon solemnly declared, "I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I haven't the faintest idea of who to choose as my running mate...
...Ring his room...
...The next suggestions, though not in this order, were Walter Cronkite, David Eisenhower, and Abdul Kaminsky—each of whom Nixon rejected for a solid reason...
...said Nixon...
...We-ell," said Mrs...
...Governor Dewey said, "Nelson Rockefeller...
...cried Nixon...
...asked Agnew, wiping his face...
...Absurd...
...A moment later, a damp voice said, "I don't want to see another slum...
...had served time in a Federal jug—for poor penmanship: He was, by profession, a forger...
...But now I'm governor of Maryland—and where can I go from here...
...Good thinking there," said Nixon...
...Oh that Spiro Agnew," said Spiro P. Agnew...
...I hate loomers," said Thruston ("Shorty") Morton...
...The king-makers were electrified...
...I was real happy when I was selling car insurance or supervising that supermarket...
...Shucks, Mother," said the Governor, "for an important job like that, who'd ever think of me...
...And there, lo and behold, was but one name: "Agnew, Spiro T." "By God, there's a real pro...
...The Republican convention had just nominated him, after a long hard, exciting first ballot...
...swirled around that historic room...
...The exchange had the perfect cadence for a popular song, but no one knew Agnew...
...Which Spiro Agnew do you want...
...and when he raised his head he was as pale as a Kabuki...
...So let's go around the room, man by man...
...He'd be looming over me all the time...
...Swiftly Nixon riffled the pages of the Classified section to "vice-presidents, available for...
...What do you mean you think so...
...I want you to be my running mate...
...Who's this...
...Well, it's pretty darn hot in here, pal...
...N-no," said Nixon, thoughtfully...
...This is Richard Nixon," said Nixon...
...We-ell," said Mrs...
...Two years ago, as they were dining in the Governor's mansion in Baltimore, Agnew told his wife, "Honey, I'm depressed...
...I had dreams of higher things to come...
...asked Agnew...
...He's in the Turkish bath...
...The Tahiti Turmoil's loudspeakers blared, "Mr...
...Pat, you're a doozy...
...Ray Bliss, gop National Chairman, said, "How about John Lindsay...
...But it was not impossible...
...The clerk was Japanese...
...What...
...hello...
...I feel dizzy...
...Is this Governor Agnew...
...Then, blurting it out (as great ideas often are), she cried, "Ted...
...I don't have to tell you how hard it was to turn down a man with such voter appeal, but Abdul Leo Rosten is the author of The Joys of Yiddish, The Education of H*y*m*a*n K*a*p*l*a*n, and Captain Newman, M.D...
...Why can't you exercise alone...
...John Mitchell frowned, "He'd have to be governor—I think...
...Our scenario dissolves to Richard Nixon's suite at the Hilton Plaza in Miami Beach, August 7, 1968...
...Nixon looked up...
...Now Nixon turned to his most brilliant political adviser: "Who, or whom, do you recommend...
Vol. 53 • January 1970 • No. 1
