The Conversion of Caitlin O'Sullivan

...Caitlin left us, but I continued to receive reports of her "progress...

...The Stephen Wise Free Synagogue is no exception...

...She issued a blanket invitation to the group to attend her conversion ceremony, and a number said they'd be there...

...There was not a sound in the entire sanctuary...

...developing the deepest possible understanding of Jewish law, language, thought and culture in order to contribute to my spiritual development and to the future of Judaism...

...A chill ran up my spine...

...January 1, 1981 New Year's Day...

...That night, Caitlin and I spoke by phone...

...She replied: "I do...

...She made it clear that her mind was not yet made up, that she was still thinking and learning and doing Jewishly...

...The three of us then walked to the open ark...

...We are also now dependent upon you for our physical and spiritual Jewish survival...

...You will influence generations of Jewish children and adults...

...I pledge to live each day within a Jewish framework: "To create and maintain a Jewish home...

...As I opened my eyes and beheld the light I had created I was moved as I had never been moved in my life...

...I spoke to her again: "In the presence of this community I ask if you freely cast your lot with that of the Jewish people from this day forth...

...I looked out at the congregation...

...I kept wiping them off, becoming so hysterical in the process that after chanting the kiddush I forgot I had a mask on—and poured the entire cup of wine down the front of my hospital gown...

...A new Jewish soul had come into the world, and its spiritual parents rejoiced...

...Accordingly, I was asked to recruit participants from Introduction to Judaism classes in the UAHC's New York conversion course program...

...Caitlin took the Torah in her arms and cradled it as I spoke...

...You have committed yourself and your future to Jewish living and to the creation of a personal Jewish past...

...She wanted a public conversion, and she asked me to participate and to offer a blessing on her behalf...

...It was a moment that changed at least two lives...

...What a boon to Jewish pride...

...I was terrified...

...Most significantly, however, Caitlin O'Sullivan had seized upon an idea she had first heard expressed at the New York Outreach weekend...

...In that moment I understood the concept of mystery, of spirit, of invoking a power greater than myself, through myself...

...Caitlin recited the Sh'ma in a strong, clear voice, then sang it with her eyes closed, wrapped in her tallit...

...The call was made...

...You will continue to study and do, learn and experience, growing each day as a unique and special person...

...In contrast to her quiet, almost reserved manner eight months earlier, Caitlin had now become a confident, articulate "Jew in process...

...Though her formal conversion was still a month away, there was no doubt that many weekend participants looked to Caitlin as a model, a resource, a friend...

...And, what a support to the new Jew...

...After a deeply disillusioning family trauma during her high school years, Caitlin and others in her family fell away from the church...

...The sanctuary was full...

...Between football games, I suddenly realized that Caitlin's service was a week away— and that I had not the slightest idea of what I intended to say to her in | front of all those people...

...Caitlin and I stood at the bimah...

...We will never be the same again...

...My hands were shaking, and I decided to share my feelings with Caitlin...

...I was there—as her rabbi and as her friend...

...She participated knowledgeably in Shabbat services, and even offered a spontaneous closing prayer...

...We have been blessed through our participation in this, your moment...

...She spoke of the sort of experience to which every Jew might aspire...

...He assured me that lightning would not strike me, nor an earthquake swallow me up...

...Registration for the program, originally intended solely for recent converts to Judaism, was lagging somewhat behind expectations...

...I did my best to reassure her that her feelings were normal and natural...

...The only limits to an expression of Jewish identity must necessarily be self-imposed...

...Caitlin," I said, "I want you to know that I'm scared to death...

...Caitlin attended, along with four other "alumni" of the April Shab-baton...

...The then embryonic Task Force on Reform Jewish Outreach of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations and the Central Conference of American Rabbis had decided to sponsor a weekend program at the UAHC's House of Living Judaism in New York...

...I kept thinking about how much insight the Torah has...

...May it become a name honored in the household of Israel...

...The community needs to be part of conversion, to sec thinking, caring men and women, who are choosing Judaism...

...Eight hours later I had a first draft...

...And, I said with a lump in my throat, the absolute worst that could happen would be to delay the ceremony...

...I was a rabbinic student at the time, and had my rabbi's manual clutched in my hand as we began...

...God grant that many others like her will opt for public conversion, and thereby help born Jews see their faith and their people through new and fresh eyes...

...The tension broken, I continued: "Caitlin, in the presence of your family and friends, before this open ark, and witnessed by this entire congregation, your journey begins...

...Then, just after the High Holy Days, Caitlin appeared in my office...

...Disaster...

...Every time I breathed, my glasses fogged up, obscuring my sight of the various b'rachot...

...You will teach them by your example and invest them with Jewish identity...

...That's all right," she replied...

...Her conversion ceremony took place during a Shabbat morning service at New York City's Stephen Wise Free Synagogue, perhaps the first public conversion ceremony ever in Manhattan...

...Many were in tears...

...The congregation waited expectantly...

...I cast off the necessity of intercession and undertake the responsibility of a direct, active and immediate relationship to the Power of the Universe...

...I told Caitlin that I'd be honored to be part of her conversion, and suggested that we talk further about how best to structure the service and about setting a date...

...We are indeed fortunate...

...My rabbi's manual was no help...

...Together with everyone participating in the service, we went over the order one last time...

...I have reached, I have struggled for knowledge and understanding and now I am ready to begin...

...Now, as an adult, after studying on her own for many years, she had taken a second step in the direction of Judaism by enrolling in the UAHC's conversion course...

...You are about to become a Jewish newborn, entitled thereby to an extra measure of love and caring from the Jewish community...

...April-December, 1980 The weekend came to a close...

...We talked through her personal declaration and the blessing itself...

...We all knew that, in a very real sense, we were witnessing the formation of a potentially new Jewish soul...

...I then asked Caitlin to stand at the Bimah and to declare her acceptance of Judaism...

...She concluded: "My discovery of Judaism as a Jew has just begun...

...No more than ten minutes after completing my "pitch," I had one application in hand...

...I asked my friend if it was all right— was there anything wrong with it if I wasn't Jewish...

...She had a date when no bar or bat mitz-vah was scheduled...

...No matter where life takes me as a rabbi, I do not believe I will ever again feel as I did on that Shabbat morning...

...I do this freely, openly and with great joy before the assembled congregation as a pledge to God and humanity...

...At this point, Caitlin's friend, David Kleiman, stepped forward and placed a tallit around Caitlin's shoulders, his personal gift to her on this occasion...

...I finally gave up on sleep and left for the synagogue at 8:00 a.m...

...I honor and thank my parents and my heritage for giving me life and the strength to commit myself to a belief that is my fulfillment, but different from theirs...

...We wished her well on her search, quietly hoping that Judaism would one day be blessed by her addition to our people and to our faith...

...From this moment on, then, Caitlin, our destiny is inextricably bound up with yours...

...March, 1980 My first meeting with Caitlin O'Sullivan was an accident...

...I commit the totality of my strength and loyalty to support and defend the Jewish people amid all circumstances to the absolute limit of my being...

...There were members of the congregation, faculty members and students of the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in New York, numerous alumni of the New York Outreach weekends, men and women who had been part of Caitlin's conversion class, people from my apartment building in New York who had been intrigued by my description of what was to happen, and of course, Caitlin's family, seated in the very first row, eyes riveted to her every move, giving silent support and encouragement...

...Each made suggestions, changes and additions...

...I picked something that seemed to work with my personality and I did it...

...Then Caitlin dropped the bombshell...

...My explorations may take me far, far afield, I know not where...

...I led • Caitlin back to the Ark, then spoke both to her and to all those in attendance...

...To my amazement, I then learned that Caitlin planned on putting the entire service together: assigning parts to the rabbis, conducting a major portion of the service herself, selecting the music, delivering the sermon— everything was to be carefully planned and sensitively done...

...I finally drifted off at about 3:00 a.m., but was up again at six...

...He helped me learn the blessing and we talked about the various customs involved in the physical act of kindling the lights...

...December, 1980 In mid-December, the Task Force on Reform Jewish Outreach sponsored a second New York weekend...

...To love and serve other people, always striving to understand the meaning of commitment to another human being...

...Rabbis Edward Klein and Balfour Brickner of the Stephen Wise Free Synagogue conducted the first part of the service, explaining the history and significance of certain b'rachot for the benefit of all in attendance...

...In effect, she was "trying Judaism on," seeing how it felt...

...A community bearing witness to this powerful moment, with no preconditions and no judgments...

...The moment and the community met in a perfect union, electric, powerful, Jewish...

...We who bear witness to this moment have, like you, been eternally transformed...

...Her logic is inescapable...

...Caitlin read a number of sections as well...

...Wherever in the Torah it says "And he got up early in the morning," it indicates that the person is facing an important and somewhat frightening task—Abraham preparing to take Isaac to Mount Moriah for example, or Jacob preparing to meet his brother Esau after many years...

...Every Jewish experience until this moment has been only a prelude to the challenge you are about to accept...

...Judaism is multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-national...

...Caitlin chanted the blessings after which Rabbi Brick-ner read and commented on the sedra...

...To spend time in study and the pursuit of Jewish learning...

...It represented a major life commitment...

...What a spur to adult Jewish learning...

...But you, in turn, take on new and awesome responsibilities...

...Then came the Torah service...

...Caitlin bowed her head, I offered the blessing, and then we gave one another a big hug...

...What a weapon against stereotypes and ethnic prejudice...

...In the presence of this congregation I ask you to hold this Torah and to recite the Sh'ma, the watchword of our faith...

...There I was, dressed, ready for services, standing outside in the cold, and feeling very silly...

...I approach the Jewish people with deep love and ask their acceptance of me as a member of the Jewish community...

...This had to be thoroughly personal...

...April, 1980 During the Outreach weekend, Caitlin O'Sullivan spoke very little...

...Judaism is their first choice...

...Before I knew it, it was time to begin...

...I thought of that moment as I, Caitlin and others participating in the services walked up onto the bimah...

...This is, Rabbi Daniel Syme is the Director of Education of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations...

...Born Jews have never been made privy to the process of conversion...

...In that moment I was changed forever, changed utterly...

...She planted the seed—and Caitlin O'Sullivan, hearing her at the Outreach weekend, decided to bring it to fruition...

...One Friday evening I decided I wanted to light Shabbat candles...

...Caitlin read a special haf-tarah from the Book of Ruth, with the b'rachot before and after chanted by her conversion course instructor, Rabbi A. Bruce Goldman...

...But mostly she listened intently to the statements of others, absorbing, concentrating...

...To develop my individual gifts and talents to their highest potential as a fulfillment of the promise of creation...

...To allow beauty, harmony and peace into my awareness alongside the struggle for achievement, remembering that joy and celebration are as exalted and beloved of God as study, work and prayer...

...Neither have I." The congregation roared...

...I understood that by activating something very deep and personal, I could also touch something as incomprehensible as the light of the stars in the universe...

...No one yawned or stretched...

...She outlined the service...

...I hadn't been this nervous since officiating at my first ceremony of b'rit milah...

...Looking out at the congregation, I was surprised and pleased...

...She concluded her remarks...

...I thought, a remarkable woman...

...Friday night, January 9, 1981 I didn't sleep more than three hours...

...Over the next several days I shared it with at least a dozen colleagues and friends...

...This was, after all, a life-altering step, every bit as significant as a marriage...

...By Friday, to my relief, Caitlin once again felt solid about her decision...

...After thirty minutes on the phone, we agreed that Caitlin should call a friend who had chosen Judaism, just to talk...

...About ten o'clock, Caitlin arrived...

...After all, conversion was more than a casual decision...

...She had been raised as a Catholic in a community on the West Coast...

...Finally, a security guard let me in, and I sat inside for almost two hours...

...Caitlin looked at me...

...Her parents were coming, along with dozens of other friends and acquaintances whom she had invited, and the pressure was a little frightening...

...Finally, on Saturday night, Caitlin shared her personal story...

...She was having second thoughts...

...Later in the service, Caitlin delivered the sermon...

...Caitlin began: "I, Caitlin O'Sullivan at this moment embrace Judaism into my being...

...There was no sense of urgency to her search...

...I've never done this before...

...That Shabbat would be hers alone...

...She was finished...

...Caitlin O'Sullivan is a Jew...

...My throat felt dry...

...She had decided to embrace Judaism and to visit the mikvah as a prelude to the service...

...Caitlin, especially, began to examine other religions—particularly Judaism...

...I responded: "In accordance with Jewish custom, I give unto you the Hebrew name you have chosen as your own: "Elisheva"—God Is My Oath—Elisheva bat Avraham v'Sarah...

...Lydia Kukoff has crisscrossed North America, bringing her message to dozens of communities, large and small...

...The congregation leaned forward, eager to hear this woman who had already moved and touched them so...

...The congregation stood as one and recited the Shehecheyanu...

...I January 10,1981 When services don't begin until 10:30 a.m., you may be interested to know that most temples are locked at 8:15 in the morning...

...Indeed, conversion has been something "we don't talk about," consigned to the rabbi's study or a deserted chapel...

...I kept going over my remarks, pacing the floor, making sure that I had done as much as I could to make the next morning's service as meaningful and moving as possible...

...All the searching, all the study, all the doubts and fears, the joy and exhilaration of discovery and decision, culminate in this instant of re-creation...

...She called from time to time, just to say hello...

...It took place in a hospital operating room, and the mohel and I both wore hospital gowns and surgical masks...

...Doubting the potential efficacy of my efforts, I nonetheless spoke to one class and distributed flyers for the Shabbaton...

...No one coughed...

...We are obligated to nurture and to nourish you...

...At last, by Thursday, I felt I knew how I wanted to say what I felt so deeply...

...She wasn't sure she was doing the right thing, and she was scared...

...It may have been my imagination, but I can't remember ever hearing it said quite so enthusiastically...

...Mutual friends told me of her constant presence at Stephen Wise Free Synagogue...

...We were deeply moved and touched by this young woman, who knew herself so well, and who was so determined to maintain her intellectual and religious integrity...

...To observe the traditions and customs of Judaism within my home and in public worship to the extent that these practices further and enhance my love of God and the Jewish people...

...At last the magical moment had arrived...

...As a rabbi, as one who cares deeply about Judaism, the Jewish people and the Jewish future, but above all as a friend, who has come to admire and respect you, it is now my privilege to recognize your formal entry into Judaism...

...The notion of conversion to Judaism in the presence of the entire congregation has been shared and popularized primarily by Lydia Kukoff, an adult education specialist, teacher, and Outreach program consultant to many Jewish organizations...

...No ambivalence, no embarrassment, no hangups...

...That, Lydia Kukoff asserts, is a mistake...

...No one in the room moved...

...I therefore ask the entire congregation to join with you and with me in affirming the uniqueness of this day by reciting the Shehecheyanu...

...Caitlin O'Sullivan had made a decision to examine Judaism a little more closely\ I remember how struck I was at the time with her confidence, her enthusiasm, her candor...