The Armchair Single

Bluestone, Naomi

Let me extrapolate from a medical model and say that I suffer from a "singles diathesis." Individuals displaying a fat diathesis, in which the body is predisposed towards adipose, generally are...

...Helena is running a pen-pal, jet-set, Yankee/Sabra introduction service which is free to those expressing their intention of settling in Israel after finding their certain someone...
...A hidden agenda emerges from beneath the arched brows of Giveret Helena...
...Serious relationship" is the term used by women who do not wish to scare a man off by indiscriminately throwing around that loaded word "marriage...
...One notes the peculiar difference in feeling, tone and content reflected by the advertisements of individual magazines, for ads look like their publications the same way people tend to resemble their dogs...
...Presumably he will appeal to all woman past 30 who are starting to become anxious about their fertility and waning chances of motherhood...
...this professional should be demanding his money back...
...May she have many witty conversations before her ad runs again...
...Searcher is a 29, trilingual Jewish blond with broad interests and a weakness for the good life...
...That, I think, is very interesting...
...Why are they single...
...Former dancer...
...Certainly it is time that some attempt be made at the evaluation of the success of these efforts over the past half-decade...
...The co-sponsor...
...Of 152 advertisements in two consecutive issues of this periodical during the fall of 1979 (a small but indeterminate number of which are repeats), only 21 are clearly identified as Jews looking for Jews...
...She'll get good-looking, kind, solvent, cheerful, man, capable of commitment, passable as fifty, naughty mind...
...Good photo, full details...
...So if you're selective, special and single, call me...
...There is a slinky looking woman with long, red fingernails and a chignon...
...this is part one of a two-part article...
...Chicago area "mensch" who is considerate, good-natured, optimist, environmental activist, widower, age 61, seeks Jewish lady of child-bearing age, compassionate, cultured, charming, non-smoker, for love, idealism, intellectual growth, marriage, family...
...she asks, in large point type...
...Not merchandised amusements or highbrow pretensions, but appreciative, creative, living in tune with nature and instinct...
...For example, I would bet my bottom dollar that neither of these two women is Jewish: Cosmopolitan, Rubensesque, mid-thirty Montana woman seeking sensuous, self-reliant, under 47 man for no reason other than fun anywhere...
...To me, each small message is like a missive washed up in an old bottle on a deserted beach...
...Los Angeles—warm, affectionate, middle-aged, Jewish woman, who enjoys living and loving, better at listening than talking, seeks unattached, good-looking, educated professional man for serious relationship...
...I, for one, would be tempted to commend Helena and her co-sponsor for their cleverness in killing two birds with one stone were I not turned off by another of her advertisements in the Jewish Week...
...CHILDREN NO PROBLEM...
...Ages 28-40...
...But she is better off without him...
...The typesetter has run amuck again...
...They are educated, attractive, well-rounded, often wealthy, personable...
...Singles, in fact, are disconcertingly like doubles, except for whatever it is that we have not figured out yet...
...RSVP with particulars...
...Will answer all...
...Any taller than 5'4" will do...
...JM, 53, consultant...
...Other fatal flaws in women are unwittingly revealed: You, energetic tender, scientist or physician, might be the companion sought by NYWJF...
...Since the world is full of married persons who are unattractive, stuck in dead end jobs, abrasive, who seemingly have nothing to offer, and since her three modalities of research have been discredited by history, we can only assume that Helena, that elitist snob, is in business, and make tracks...
...How plaintive she is, with her hopelessly ungrammatical use of the word "hopefully," with her horror of men shorter than 5'4...
...I will work with those individuals who are attractive, successful, personable and have a good deal to offer," she writes...
...The fact is that Jews may identify themselves as Jews, and call for Jewish mates, but they really don't define what they mean, what they need, the level of their observance, the intensity of their commitment, the strength of their nostalgic clinging, or anything else...
...The Israel Aliyah Center of North America, Inc...
...Splayed out as props for distressed egos, one finds a mixture of fantasy, concreteness, distaste for the task at hand, good-natured hype, self-conscious bravado and defiantly hurled fetishes and aversions...
...The reader's first impression is that either the art of transliteration has fallen on hard times, or copy editing has fallen on even worse...
...And through the use of handwriting analysis, investigation and psychological evolution I succeed in serving only the finest clientele...
...A friend o{ hers met a man at one of these affairs and almost married him, in case there are romantics among you...
...Try this on for size: WJM, 56, divorcing, trim, athletic, cerebral, presentable, successful, needs stimulating relationship with sensitive attractive area female: suggest photo exchange (Milwaukee...
...Open-minded...
...We will have more to say about this later...
...Similarly, one doubts that either of these men is Jewish: Attractive man, Ph.D., M.D., 38,6 feet, slim very athletic (into tennis, skiing, riding), successful, wide cultural interests, internationally known art collector (primitive, medieval, contemporary), living in Europe and NY, multilingual and adventurous traveler, highly eclectic taste, seeks charming attractive academic lady, 26-34, preferably with some interests in the arts...
...I think like a single-person, I am obsessed with the positive and negative values of life alone or in tandem, and I haunt the literature of fragmenting marriages and creative single living (if not too turned off by their speciousness...
...Wanted: Male, 29-35, who does not think love is a dirty word...
...A sense of humor would be nice...
...MATCHMAKER...
...In the old days, we would have asked, "Why does he have to advertise...
...What about the single out in Bayside...
...In the second part of this article, I would like to continue this discussion...
...Nevertheless, this writer is not alone in commiting what in feminist circles might be considered a misogynistic slur: BUSINESSMAN who has varied interests including dancing, music, art, etc., seeks young lady, age 35 to 45, with similar interests, compatibility...
...The following advertisement is typical of the intelligent woman's perception of self and need...
...It matters little that only one of the non-Jewish ads identified the writer as a Wasp looking for another hymenoptera...
...A good economist might conclude that the market for sheitls for young women will be losing its bottom if something doesn't happen...
...Passive writer in Chicago area, seeks sexually aggressive 30ish woman for role reversal...
...Cosmopolitan, liberal, cultured Ph.D...
...Its tentativeness notifies the world that the readership of this particular organ of mainstream Jewish life got married when it should have, and held onto its spouses for dear life...
...A great deal...
...We are even not above finding out whether or not Jewish singles identify themselves as Jewish, or specifically request Jewish reciprocity in a mate...
...28, attractive, logical, cheerful, enthusiast for candlelight, ethnic fairs, and commas...
...After all, our community consists of more than cosmopolitans, urbanites, professors and seekers after modern trendiness...
...Hey, wait a minute...
...Whether I am right or wrong is actually irrelevant...
...Even the voice of traditional values emits an occasional croak...
...The third is that there is someone for everyone in this wacked out society of ours...
...And yet how alike these unique messages are...
...PROFESSIONAL interested in meeting young lady to age 31, who is intellectually refined and considered...
...There's another whole culture going on here...
...Issued bi-weekly by A. Whitney Ellsworth, this solid if slightly pretentious periodical is devoted to reviews and critical analysis of current literature and scholarship...
...Now the following two ads indicate Jewish origin only through self-conscious code: Professor, male, early fifties, personable mensch, eclectic interests, looking for a stabile, professional woman to mid-forty...
...Can you come and play with me...
...And where do they go in search of it...
...College grads preferred...
...By the time we reach the Classified Ads, which constitutes the publication's caboose, we are in sour humor and in no mood to wave to the conductor...
...Reading the Personals on that last page is a reward for patience, however, and a great way to get a sense of how the intellectual who supports such a paper expresses a need for the significant other...
...Whom does he think he is kidding...
...Compatible" used to be the best description one could give of a marital relationship...
...And, yes, folks, here it is...
...This exposition is entitled The Armchair Single because it intends a survey, not of the state of being single but of that state as reflected in the printed word...
...The NYR is distinguished both by elegance of thought and the personal regressions of those producing that elegance...
...Or are they extraordinary individuals with so much going for them they feel they have the right to hold out for the very best their intelligence and sensibilities can achieve...
...and, fat or thin, they continue to have the self-image of an obese or potentially obese person...
...Each writer, alone in a living room, had to sweat out a statement which acknowledged loss, imperfection, failure, somebody missing, something awry...
...For invitation write brief description...
...the SWJM, SWJF, DWJM, or DWJF) tells in his or her own words what we would like to know...
...What are they looking for...
...Perhaps the outstanding difference in the ambience of these two magazines is the point raised so baldly in Helena's advertisement...
...He does not indicate whether or not she must be secular, too...
...What happened to the commas, the witty (or was it sparkling...
...Wishes to meet Gentleman, assertive and successful yet sensitive and warm...
...And here's one piece of no-nonsense advertising: Cheerful DJM, 52, financially secure, seeks short, slim, elegant, intelligent woman for light-hearted romance, ski weekends in Vermont, sparkling conversation (hold the profundities...
...And then there are some women who get totally carried away by their own imagery: Detroit advertising lady: JW 27 attractive, intelligent, warm, sophisticated yet earthy...
...Anyone who has ever heard of Gloria Steinem knows that a mature, woman doesn't like to be known as a "young lady...
...Despite these differences, in the aggregate they yield vital information about the ethics, values, priorities, interests, expressed needs and life styles of Jewish singles today...
...Considered what...
...Each one had to face a challenge to self-esteem (and how great it must be for professional people who succeed at most they attempt...
...The reader is given due notice that the latter portion is backed by responsible references, implying that the former is perused at the reader's risk...
...Through all of this, we cannot fail to note how rare it is for the intelligentsia to express any form of Jewish consciousness, or any perceived need to develop one...
...When not wearing corporate hat, I sing (Juilliard grad), browse, wander and anticipate sharing magnificent, witty conversations...
...It is too bad that this man is too old for the woman who especially wanted witty conversations...
...It is not easy to know how many of the undeclared ads in the NYR are placed by Jews, but it is fun to try to guess...
...neither is known for expertise in punctuation...
...What's going on here...
...Her last appearance in moment ("Last Words"') was in the December, 1979 issue...
...At 90c a word, plus $6.00 for a box number, the above ad cost the writer over $55.00 for one insertion...
...But it was impossible not to let these people speak for themselves...
...Does this reflect a diminished awareness of who they are, or an all-pervading sense that it simply doesn't matter...
...Considered...
...by dangling the carrot of matrimony with an exotic foreigner...
...The only thing we are missing in these ads is "sincere...
...I am looking for New York City based men who consider themselves to be attractive, energetic, interesting, creative, intelligent, and who like challenges, travel and running...
...Attractive European widow, financially independent, resides Manhattan East, interested arts, music, travel, nature seeks sincere, kind, educated companion 65 plus with cultural interests...
...Virtually the only Jew to define his Jewishness in any way is this man, who tentatively proffers one modifier to assure the female world that religion does not rule his life: Spirited NYC secularly Jewish Man, 49, good listener, seeks warm, open woman for lasting relationship...
...Pert, perky, petite...
...In these pages, the older, cultivated, articulate, primarily urban, smoothly assimilated Jewish single, (a.k.a...
...Three spirited women, warm, attractive, educated NYC professional women, 28-31, with wide-ranging interests, invite male counterparts to brunch...
...The lonely hearts column for the issue of December 23-30, 1979, is sandwiched in between Home Health Care Services and Cemetery Plots, with a peculiar division into two subheadings: Personals and Matrimonials...
...How can he reconcile sparkling conversations with the absence of profundities...
...Vive repentance...
...Reading the lonely hearts columns, in fact, has become a literary pastime...
...FREE SERVICE...
...It is a meager column, with solicitors no more than five or ten in number, standing in puny contrast to the profusion of ads for tutors, electrolysis, houses for sale, and music to suit all occasions...
...The Jewish Week and American Examiner, now published through arrangement with the Joint Campaign of the UJA-Federation in New York City, only recently gave recognition to the need for mates as well as home repairs, summer rentals, and catering for the office and synagogue...
...Individuals displaying a fat diathesis, in which the body is predisposed towards adipose, generally are preoccupied with caloric alternatives...
...And what does the phenomenon mean for the Jewish community, which is concerned for its mavericks, and worried about intermarriage, low birth rates and the near pandemic of divorce...
...Occasionally women like the above cluster and huddle and advance as a united flank...
...What can we learn about this community from its call for companionship...
...Loves films...
...This reader would prefer to play with Rin-Tin-Tin, but to each his or her own...
...Each had to confront the specter of abandonment, a terror that the ad would not be answered, an equal terror that it would be, an awareness that the anonymous remoteness of writing might constitute a form of cowardice, and the realization that the passage of time yields fewer and fewer alternatives...
...NYC professional male, 34, seeks woman who reads the Voice, shops at Brooks Brothers, has a career, combines brains and beauty like Jessica Savitch...
...How vulnerable she is, so careful to list her qualifications, those small attributes that separate her, a little sheep, from the goats...
...Monthly NYC visitor...
...Commas, God knows, are no fit obsession for a woman, much less a woman who wants a doctor or scientist...
...As one might expect, these mating calls are sophisticated...
...Naomi Bluestone is Coordinator of Community Health, Residency Program in Social Medicine, Montefiore Hospital, in the Bronx...
...In some cases, there is an undefinable something that gives ethnicity away...
...Affable...
...And when they detail their needs in a partner, they almost never mention their religious or even communal needs as Jews...
...Seeks female, anywhere, who needs to be needed, dreams of lovely country home, is post-forty while looking pre-, sexy-slender, unlarge pelvis, native intelligence, swimmer, non-smoker...
...Dr...
...Even Jewish doctors, traditionally the greatest catches of all, are not above utilizing this medium of exchange...
...Another woman, too old fashioned to want anything but a "serious relationship" (nee "marriage"), became too flustered to recall this buzz word and went a bit overboard, calling for a "long lasting affair": Manhattan widow, well-educated, well-read, well-travelled, politically left, aesthetically conservative, somewhat embarrassed by this ad, nevertheless shyly, resolutely, seeks unmarried man, 60-65, literary, articulate, dry wit, affectionate, for long-lasting affair, comfortable companionship...
...there are so many women like her loose in the big city: DJF seeking 30ish male chamber music (Brahms) nut, fellow bookworm, passionately fond of: NYC, museums, movies, cafes, great food, book/record shops, cats and (hopefully) me...
...Come to think of it, this is the first time we have gotten a call for "open-minded," too...
...Never before have so many people rushed into print to deliver testimonials of self-worth in support of their availability to others...
...conversation, the chamber music (Aimezvous Brahms...
...Although this is clearly the opposite of a serious, or lasting, relationship, we suspect he'll have a good response...
...We can determine how they see themselves, prerequisite to understanding their needs in this area...
...The last Jewish male to declare himself seems almost an atavistic throwback to middle class suburbia: Love, marriage, and babies: NYC Jewish male, 41, very successful, good-looking, educated, seeks attractive, academic professional woman of child-bearing age for marriage...
...It is downright culture shock to be exposed to the best academic minds writing today, and then see their Letters to the Editor in the hind portion of the paper, which are invariably seething with ego-defensive charges and counter charges, petulant criticisms of reviews of reviews of reviews ["Professor So and So falsely attributes to me . . . etc...
...I suppose I should keep my opinions to myself, but there is no doubt in my mind that the two men who placed the following ads are indeed Jewish...
...Colorado woman, pretty psychotherapist, Jewish, seeks professional man tall, vital, expressive, stable, 45-55...
...Lady professor, 37, tired of kissing toads, looking for the right prince in central Texas...
...As people promote themselves like objects at a high quality auction, painting vivid word pictures in five lines, six words per line, they display their infinite variety...
...But now we know the answer...
...Those clever little devils, the Zionists, have found another way to make Americans go up to the land...
...Greater New York area...
...MARRIAGE MINDED...
...We can be alert to the hidden agendas that lie beneath the seemingly straightforward call for casual friendships, swinging affairs, "object matrimony," or "lasting relationship...
...To be specific, I will be having a bemused and unorthodox look at the literature of advertisement, or if you will, the advertisements of literature...
...The small print tells us that "this introduction service is available for a fee to persons not planning to live in Israel...
...the intellectual equivalents of back-fence gossip and the like...
...I like strong chins or soft beards, men over 5'10", preppyness, good conversation and good kissers...
...Let's begin by having a look at my favorite publication, The New York Review of Books...
...What are their chances of finding it...
...If the physician quoted here describes himself accurately, he is undoubtedly the man for whom all women have been waiting...
...It is unknown which of the many others placing ads are "closet" Jews, who either don"t wish to be identified as Jews, or don't wish to saddle themselves with a Jewish partner...
...The singles who have spoken to us through both publications quoted here (and, I may add, through many more), have shown themselves to be people of significant personal accomplishment, taste and judgment...
...It should be clear to all of us, whatever our misconceptions about singles in the past, that each of these writers is a person our society would accept, even honor, by every criterion according to which we judge ourselves...
...Compatible...
...Handsome young academic physician—musical, literate, unaffected, compassionate, and hopelessly romantic—would like to meet accomplished, beautiful NYC woman with similar qualities...
...I call to your attention an advertisement in a large box alongside the Classified section...
...I would also like to have a look at the organized activities for Jewish singles in at least one city (and its greater metropolitan area), New York, once again from the armchair vantage point...
...And as one might anticipate, the largest number of ads are placed by Jewish women looking for Jewish men...
...Looking for financially secure, sincere, exuberant gentleman with similar interests...
...Shadchanim, take note...
...We did not find it mentioned once in the NYR ads...
...It really does not matter if I am single or married...
...Anyway, our instinct tells us that what he really wants is that light-hearted romance (nee a "roll in the hay...
...A group of single professional women wish to invite eligible men to socials...
...A friend of mine is one of the women who started running the first of the two ads following...
...Here we have a second woman who does not spare her pocketbook or inhibit herself in an attempt to convey exactly what she is seeking: Terrific looking, dynamic and creative JWF, 37, very intelligent, many interests including running, no children, wants to meet single men, 32-50 (with or without children) who are involved and happy in their work and own interests, who aim at keeping Tit AND have place in their lives for an exciting woman who is a real find...
...Looking for Religious (Hasidic) Young Men or Baalaei Tshvous...
...Invictus-type LA male has coped successfully with severe leg disability and discovered what counts...
...Although I'm sure this is being done by others more knowledgeable than I, I would like—again—to see what we can find between the lines...
...Note the following, in a man whose credentials might well enable him to advertise in the latter publication: YOUNG HANDSOME LAWYER with varied interests in the arts seeking affable, educated, attractive and open-minded young woman, 21-32...
...The phenomenon of Jews calling into the social wilderness for other Jews is not new in this country, but its current expression, if we can believe the small print, is clearly a function of the seventies...
...Diminutive, ebullient, loquacious, iconoclastic, cute, very today...
...So it is with me...
...It seems important to draw some relationship between the expressed needs of singles, and the attempts made by the Jewish community to meet those needs...
...Send note and phone number...
...Sophisticated readers know that this is essentially a no-nonsense woman who means business, and no messing around...
...Slightly spoiled, but charming nevertheless...
...Are singles "losers" who must be assured that they are not...
...Yes, ladies, he is Jewish...
...The second is that men of a certain persuasion are clearly in short supply...
...Another woman who recognizes her worth and has clearly been out with a number of men who have not, places an ad with a mild threat beneath its surface: NYCJF, 31, accomplished executive in television and the arts, seeks match for her intelligence and warmth in man of taste and judgment, 30-early 40's...
...First time ad placer would prefer first time ad answerers...
...If the reader is impressed with the unabashed self-pride which women muster up in pursuing their goals, a quick look at the advertisements placed by the men reveals that they exhibit a matching cockiness, worthy of any bird of plumage doing its thing under the Jacaranda tree...
...Presently translator, MFA...
...Good luck to her...
...Loves good conversation, good laughs, good times, reading and ballet...
...Tzemed Helena, Inc., ("Israel's most successful exclusive introduction service") will interview the reader in her Madison Avenue offices, and give the opportunity to select from among attractive photos and descriptions of Israeli singles...
...They evidence exhaustive bouts of higher education, years of analysis, individual and group, epicurean tastes, expectations honed to a fine edge...
...Nor did we find the equally modest, non-demanding term, "affable...
...One fellow who will probably outsmart himself by being too cutesy when the competition is strictly up front, is the following: Wanted: "NOW" young woman, 57 to 67 preferably married...
...I refer to the rearward "classified" sections of selected newsletters and magazines where the "personals" are permeated with cris de coeur from Jewish people who are alone...
...Perhaps I have been derelict in not editing more closely the advertisements for love and affection that I have quoted so copiously and unabridgedly here...
...Write with references of Background to...
...A spotty but frequently profound awareness of what really counts in life is not infrequently mixed with a curiously untouched, downright primitive desire for a slender, youthful, good-looking date...
...What is relevant is that a Jewish community concerned with the needs and desires of its single members has a great deal to learn from the biweekly bulletin board of such a non-religious publication as The New York Review of Books...
...they devour reducing diets and gourmet recipes alike with inscrutable lack of conflict...
...But first,, let's have a look at another kind of Jewish single...

Vol. 5 • March 1980 • No. 3


 
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