A Star-Crossed Childhood 59

Abelson, Rosy

A STARCROSSED CHLDHOOD ROSY ABELSON The Conversion The sky was mysteriously lit that afternoon. Heavy clouds hung over our heads and a fine drizzle was wetting our faces, yet somewhere on the...

...My mother agreed silently...
...How does He feel about all adults...
...Young lady," said a very respectable-looking gentleman with a grey and aristocratic look...
...It kept me going for at least a month...
...What a day...
...I was the one that bought bread every day, which took at least an hour or two...
...I hung my coat in the hall, then sat on my bed and looked at my muddy shoes and the big grey spots on my white socks...
...She was going to fix my socks and we should all laugh instead...
...There were so many things to remember to hope about...
...On our way home, Shelly and I would discuss the movie, repeating all the sad and happy moments so that no detail would be lost or forgotten...
...I could not believe that my mind could play such dirty tricks...
...The huge metal doors of the church remained firmly closed only to open for mysterious people, who would enter hurriedly or leave...
...Shelly Avramova...
...This day I chose to daydream...
...Night after night I would close my eyes and concentrate on my wish to see a film while sleeping...
...Time slowly passed and it became cold and damp...
...We walked briskly a block, turned the corner, then ran wildly to the first entrance we saw, put on our coats and marched out, bursting into joyous laughter...
...I had managed to raise my weekly allowance to 2 LEV, just enough to cover the expenses of two movies and a weekly supply of sunflower seeds and chewing gum...
...Frankly, it did not seem as if the priests were particularly efficent inside the church...
...The walk was about one to one and a half hours, but we did not mind...
...then every morning at the end of the fifteen minute long prayer, when Sister Josepha, the grammar teacher from French Catholic School, says "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen," I join the rest of the class and close my eyes and repeat those mysterious, now forbidden words "Au nom du Pere et du Fils et du Saint Esprit, ainsi Soit-il...
...He turned to mama and said, "Let's go Rachel, where the rest go, we go...
...One could find a new friend to chat with, read, or even simply daydream...
...Heavy clouds hung over our heads and a fine drizzle was wetting our faces, yet somewhere on the right the sunrays were tearing the sky, letting luminous trails of light dance over the golden church domes of St...
...After the morning prayer, Sister Josepha covered her silver cross with her fingers and said, "God loves all children...
...But nothing happened...
...It was only then that I realized what had happened...
...Glued to the screen, this luminous window to the world, I would live the lives of exotic ladies, embrace their difficult fates, hoping for a happy end...
...Even I understood that it would be better not to be seen near a church...
...When the cruel ushers would turn the lights on, I would still carry the dream images for a while, wander with weak knees to the lobby and examine the posted pictures of the movies to come...
...Bitterly I thought the police officers would be more merciful than the community representatives who tortured me with endless and useless repetitions...
...Lucky it was Mr...
...To my deepest frustration I would wake up just before the movie...
...Ruth had a fit because she did not want to give up her golden Star of David and because she did not like her new Bulgarian name, "Boji-darka...
...Tatko picked Ruthy in his arms, embracing her little body tight against his chest and holding her head against his shoulder...
...In the yard, hidden behind the wooden steps of the gymnasium, Tatiana and Lilette spent a long time carefully examining my yellow star...
...Still fresh, I dared again...
...Lilette even volunteered that she wished she had a yellow star too...
...the spots would never come off...
...But late in the night, I could safely return to my irreconcilable misery...
...When we reached the church we were slightly taken aback...
...But all we could do was to patiently persevere, perseverance being a most valued virtue in those days...
...Late in the night I closed my eyes, retreating, to relive the details of "Eternal Love...
...But things quieted down and we all dressed up in our best clothes...
...Then he whispered angrily, "Stop lying, this is no time for lies...
...I embarked on my favorite fantasy: I am a Christian and I can make the sign of the cross...
...Then Lilette said she had a secret, a very big secret, and we would have to swear to rot in hell if we ever opened our mouth...
...In answer to our inquiries, we were told that we had to wait on line like everybody else and that conversions seemed to go very slowly...
...grandpa, grandma, all my uncles, aunts and cousins, everybody was a Jewish Bulgarian, rather than a Bulgarian Bulgarian...
...Then, young lady, how do you explain the fact that Mr...
...Ruthy looked at me with great worry, then, put her tiny paw on my face, smearing the tears on my cheek, which pained me even more...
...In September, 1943, orders were issued that all Jews above the age of 10 were to wear a yellow Star of David for purposes of identification...
...My father kept repeating, "We have no choice, Rachel, we have to think of the children...
...Sofia...
...There was a long line of people already waiting in front of the closed metal doors...
...We would become Orthodox Christians, go to church on Sunday and be like everybody else...
...There were no busses to our neighborhood, and the two available modes of transportation in Shoumen, Bulgaria in 1943 were horses and carriages and walking...
...Most important, I finally understood that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, in the world that we could do so "they" would love or even like us...
...Obviously, they were ruined completely...
...To keep her spirits up I called her by her new Bulgarian name: "Bojidarka, Boji-darka," but this joke ended in yells and screams, proving again what a pest she was...
...Little drops of sweat crawled down my back when my classmates looked at me the next morning...
...There was no decree in the world that could stop me from seeing "Eternal Love...
...I stepped with car, avoiding mud and puddles, determined to keep the best possible appearance for the great occasion...
...We kept discussing and whispering and that whole affair made us feel so good that we decided to become Anglophiles...
...I was at the movies...
...That is, many Bulgarian Bulgarians stopped liking Jewish Bulgarians and were causing a lot of trouble...
...The possibility of having a passport for sameness in the world was lost forever...
...I do, or at least I did when I was ten years old...
...So as long as I was a child, I was still on the right side...
...I suspected that she was saying this to me and I felt that the class knew that too...
...Especially me...
...He looked very strange to me, and I was reading an ominous meaning in his glance, while my heart jumped to my throat...
...We made it...
...The Police Station on the corner was quiet, and the almost empty street was serene and sunny...
...On Wednesday at one o'clock promptly we left the house and walked most of the way as usual, then, three blocks away from Zar Boris Boulevard and the movie house we turned into a narrow street, took off our coats, stuffed them in our school bags, and, heads up, we marched the three blocks feigning total confidence...
...I tried to imagine a bear marriage for just a very short while, though I knew it was a lot of nonsense and this was no time to waste on frivolous fantasy strolls...
...I was not particularly bothered...
...I do not know how natural we really looked without our coats on a cool April day, but no one seemed to mind us...
...And that is not all...
...We were used to standing on line...
...And what is an Anglophile...
...The previous night, I heard her tell father: "What am I going to tell them, this will kill them, you know my father and what all that means to him...
...Overwhelmed by embarrassment, I pretended indifference and stood quietly behind my bench...
...Giggling, we almost flew Concluded on page 64 Continued from page 61 home in our excitement, drunk with memories of success...
...The children of*course were my sister, Ruth, a perfect pest, age five, and myself, mature and thoughtful, age ten...
...Feeling responsible for the situation, I bought the tickets, then walked to the usher, looking into his eyes...
...not only us, our little family, but all the others...
...They would usually post pictures revealing just enough so as to put me in an ecstatic and anticipatory mood for the pleasures to be savored...
...Aroyo see me in the Star Cinema if we are not supposed to walk on Zar Boris Boulevard...
...It was all over...
...The world outside this room seemed like a very uninviting place to be, how and why things were happening was to remain a refractive mystery...
...It was very hard to keep clean in such weather...
...During the long hours of deliberation I even convinced myself that there was no reason fbr anyone to suspect that we were Jewish if we hid the yellow stars adorning our clothes...
...but still I had to face a suspicious usher and a police station around the corner/ No one noticed us when we went out...
...It was all very simple...
...We all looked lovely...
...All the burden of the Second World War was on my shoulders...
...Thereafter I spent every free moment planning and convincing Shelly to participate in a "real" adventure...
...Once in the plush, comfortable velvet wonder seats, all was forgotten...
...Then in the warm comfort of darkness, after the clamor and noise had died away, they would show the previews: pictures of Hitler shaking hands and holding children, soldiers marching, bombs falling over cities, and finally young men playing soccer...
...My heart sank when the lights went on...
...Today was important, very important...
...So went our happy movie-going—until one day the municipality of Shoumen passed a decree forbidding Jews to walk on the main streets...
...Mama and Tatko (father) looked very grim and as for Ruthy, she kept pestering everybody with her usual round of demands: she wants water, she is sleepy, she is hot, no she is cold, she is tired, etc., just her ordinary, usual self...
...My whole family, that is mother, father, Ruth (my sister) and I were on our way to an appointment in the church, Santa Sofia, to be converted to Christianity...
...Tatiana, who shared a bench with me, kept her fingers crossed whenever she told white lies, because as long as you harm nobody and you cross yourself in secret it is all right...
...I think I overdid it...
...Thoughts were crowding my head, pushing and shoving, new exhilarating possibilities, yet I was constrained to keep my joy to myself because my mother, my lovely sweet mother, did not understand the whole affair and had been walking with swollen and red eyes for the last two days...
...I entered in my high spirits and said my best good afternoon, smiling pleasantly, only to realize that all these strangers were gathered here because of me...
...Ah, all these new and wonderful things that were about to happen...
...But with all the rejoicing going on inside of me I was carefully avoiding my parents' faces lest they notice my exuberance...
...Twice a week, Wednesday and Saturday, at 1:30,1 would whistle our secret whistle and Shelly would run out on our way to town...
...Actions like that are a menace to our community...
...we inquired...
...But the Cinema "Star," my favorite movie house, the one with the red velvet seats and the golden filigree ceilings, was just in the middle of town on the Zar Boris Boulevard, thus out of bounds for me forever and ever...
...We have enough troubles as it is...
...We, though, were the only ones who were going to try conversion, and I guess my father had made his decision because things had been getting unpleasant lately...
...That was all there was to it...
...Trouble...
...She thought that all prayers were more effective that way and I always felt deprived of a kind of booster to my prayers...
...My eyes were fixed on the shiny tips on my shoes...
...Then, in the very sweet moment of exalted anticipation, just when the MGM lion would roar his lazy greeting, I would wake up...
...And so we walked, or rather flew on our way to great adventure...
...My father ran to him and asked in anguish, "What is going on...
...I abandoned this trend of thought...
...Rosy Abelson was born in Bulgaria, and now lives in Jerusalem...
...Of course, I was not pursuing my addiction only at night...
...My heroes struggled through spiderweb entanglements and with nobility of heart and unwavering perseverance triumphantly found themselves in each other's arms for a life of eternal happiness...
...Bulgarian peasants say that mountain bears marry in weather like that...
...I had rarely seen my father act with greater speed...
...We spent the whole morning preparing for the church appointment and it is a real miracle that we got out of the house at all...
...So, you understand...
...Her father, Dimiter Petrov, was an Anglophile, she said...
...My friend, Lilette, made the sign of the cross before every exam and she claimed that it helped a lot...
...The details of what followed were so humiliating that I still shudder...
...Aroyo saw you enter the Star Cinema today at 3 o'clock...
...I was not surprised when my father slapped me, a truly memorable slap, leaving his fingers burning on my cheek...
...If I do not step on the light stones I can make a wish...
...Still, I tried my ready answer...
...I then whispered very softly to myself so that only magic spirits could hear: "God loves all children, God loves all children...
...Somebody that loves the English," she answered, and more, her father heard BBC every night, even last night...
...I began crying softly, trying to restrain the pain pressing against my chest...
...Out of breath, we found ourselves in the small room that was home in those days...
...I said I cried because I loved them and because my white hand-knitted socks were ruined forever...
...I had very little interest in walking on the main streets, since most of my pleasures in life were provided for in the narrow dusty streets of the Jewish ghetto...
...So I wished that God wouldn't change his mind...
...They remarked on its good quality, how strongly it was sewn and how well the yellow went with my navy coat...
...Thus I discovered that there were lots of things one could do while standing on lines...
...I saw Laurel and Hardy at the Arts...
...I used to have a recurrent dream...
...I was wearing my plaid, pleated dress, my blue coat with the velvet collar, hand knitted white socks and my new patent leather shoes...
...The sun had disappeared long ago and the crowd was silent and depressed...
...I spend an afternoon sewing the yellow stars on my coat and my black school smock...
...It was not because my heroes did not suffer long enough but because it was my turn to resume my little struggle in life, which, of course, was nothing big compared to the troubles of Amedeo Nazari and Allida Valli...
...He appeared to be the bearer of important news and whatever he was saying caused a lot of excitement and commotion...
...Mama asked, "What is all that moping around...
...Would you care to explain where you spent your afternoon...
...Our safety depends on being invisible, not provocative...
...We tried laughing for awhile, but the sobs kept tearing through, like hiccups coming from somewhere just above my bellybutton...
...But to no avail...
...The Addiction Do you like going to the movies...
...How unfair...
...We asked what they said on BBC, but Lilette did not remember, she only thought it was very good...
...If only I could succeed then all the wasted hours of useless, blank sleep could turn into an endless orgy of movie viewing...
...Skipping on my way home, I concentrated on stepping only on the grey stones of the sidewalk...
...I was watching my sister's pigtails flowing in the air while mother kept pulling my arm saying, "Hurry now, hurry...
...Suddenly I felt an overwhelming tenderness for her, for myself, for mama and Tatko and all the others...
...Walking back and forth to school, I would stop in front of the billboards and look longingly at the movie announcements from the Star Cinema which always, always looked far superior and intriguing than ones from the Excelsior or the Arts, until one day I saw a poster of Allida Valli in the arms of Amedeo Nazari in a film called "Eternal Love," showing from Wednesday to Saturday in the Star Cinema...
...Then suddenly a little man dressed in a dark overcoat and a soft top hat hurriedly approached a group of people waiting in line...
...This is why I so innocently faced all the people crowded in our living room...
...We saw "Eternal Love" and no one even noticed...
...There was hardly any need to explain more...
...I would be sitting in the second or third row of a movie house equipped with sunflower seeds and beeswax chewing gum, waiting for the beginning of the film...
...I used a very strong black thread, the kind you use for stringing beads, to make sure my yellow stars would not get lost...
...It was clear to me that if we got converted, life would revert to what it had been before that abominable war had started...
...It was always the same preview, but all previews looked the same to me in those days...
...The churches are sending the list of names straight to the Commissariat for Jewish Affairs...
...They are making black lists," the little man answered, "and the converted go first...
...I was in very big trouble...
...Being adult was very far away...
...Ruthy suggested singing a song, so we all ended up singing "Will the Sun Shine for Me Again," and the mood improved slightly...
...Mama said, "Ha, ha, such silly reasons for crying...
...Oh how wonderful it could be...
...We had to convert because we were Jewish...
...How cruel...
...and touch my forehead, repeating in enchantment the magical configuration of the cross...
...Aroyo and not a police officer that saw you...
...he began running like a madman, turning occasionally to see if mother and I were following...
...I had to swear that I was not to show my nose near the main boulevards, and no allowance for a month, and no movies until I had proven my sense of responsibility...
...What about adults...
...Eternal Love" was as good as I fancied it to be...
...This is her first appearance in moment...
...Why, how could Mr...
...Moreover, Miad found a friend in madness...
...I had a future, I would be an Anglophile...
...But this lasted only a moment...
...What could be better...

Vol. 4 • October 1979 • No. 9


 
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