Family Matters: Vacation Fever
Faigel, Harris C.
FAMILY MATTERS VACATION FEVER HARRIS CFAIGEL It's been a long and bitterly cold winter, but Passover has come and gone, and it is time to begin thinking about this year's summer vacation. Kathy,...
...But more important, adolescence is preeminently a time to develop independence and to begin to assume adult responsibilities...
...It also protects the teen from problems, while still providing the opportunity for him to be alone...
...A babysitter moved into the house, or the children were farmed out to family or friends...
...Instead, she says that Kathy is too young and inexperienced to be left alone...
...There ought to be a system for checking on reliability (a snoopy neighbor...
...Kathy's mother has always encouraged her independence—but not now...
...And because it is a period of dynamic and constant change, the limits, too, must be dynamic and constantly changing...
...But in later adolescence, neither alternative works so neatly...
...I'm staying home...
...Kathy, the eldest daughter of the house, just 16 and newly emancipated, has laid down her newest ultimatum: "I don't care where you go...
...Kathy's rejoinders include such time-honored rubrics as, "You don't trust me," or, "You treat me like a baby," or even, "All the other parents let their kids do it...
...Of course, all this works best when it expands on a stable relationship that started in early childhood and that has grown with the child...
...If Kathy's parents make the decision to let her stay home, they may worry that they are abandoning her, and may therefore feel hemmed in by guilt...
...he thinks she has been pushed too far toward independence by his wife...
...Her solution is to stay at home with the keys to her mother's car, and to have a good time with her friends, on her own, without anyone around to tell her what to do...
...When the children were younger, the situation was simple...
...If the experience is organized carefully, both the teenager and the parents can feel good about it later and can use it as the basis for more steps toward independence...
...Why, then, do parents clutch when it happens...
...And she had a miserable time last summer traipsing through the Grand Canyon...
...He thinks she is moving too fast...
...If it looks like a no-win situation, take heart, for it is possible to negotiate a reasonable settlement...
...Negotiation here is a learning experience, and an arrangement that has been mutually accepted works better than a grudging concession to teenage tears...
...Parents expect to preserve and protect, control and direct their children for as long as they live at home, because that is what is expected of a parent, isn't it...
...at least the first time, and even a long distance telephone call or two to spot-check...
...She doesn't want more misery this summer...
...Well, maybe last year's vacation was a boring calamity...
...What needs to be arranged is the balance between the two...
...Well, you can forget the vacation trip this year (the rest of the family may pout and be mad and ruin the free time), or insist that the teen go along (the teen may pout and be mad and ruin the trip), or leave the teen with friends or family (the parents may worry and ruin the trip and the teen will pout), or acquiesce (the parents may pout and worry and ruin the vacation...
...Parents should leave written schedules, telephone numbers, names and numbers of responsible family or neighbors, food supplies, and rules (in writing) covering friends, parties, visits, hours, curfews, duties, responsibilities, chores, and privileges...
...Depending on relationships in the house, a teenager suffering from a case of I-want-to-spend-my-vacation-alone fever can be an occasion for crisis or a turning point in the family balance...
...It's a time to try on new roles and styles to see how they fit, a time to test the limits of parental control...
...decision...
...If parents decide not to leave the teenager alone, they should confess their selfish motives as well as their protective instincts...
...Why the fever...
...It is strange, and often uncomfortable, to make changes in the parent-child relationship ("What will the neighbors think...
...Parents who may decide to accept their child's pleading ought not to agree automatically...
...Having made the decision to let the teen stay alone, the parents are still entitled to some peace of mind, just as the youngster is entitled to some independence...
...Parents really have to be honest and explicit about the reasons for the Harris C. Faigel is Director of Health Services at Brandeis University and a specialist in adolescent medicine...
...Because parenting is not dynamic and changing, with rules that vary as the child matures...
...What, then, is one to do...
...That's easy enough to say, but it means testing—all the time—to find out where the limits are, to see how much, and how fast, the territory is expanding...
...The fever is just one more manifestation of normal adolescent development...
...This solution reduces guilt and provides the parents peace of mind while they are away...
...But even families experiencing the problem of teenage independence for the first time can make the encounter a healthy one and can then use it as the underpinning of a developing relationship with a new adult, a relationship with a junior partner who makes up for a lack of experience with drive, enthusiasm—and total ignorance of the pitfalls ahead...
...Kathy's drive for autonomy has also made her father angry...
...His orders provoke rebellion, cajoling, tears...
...They need to be explicit about their expectations so that the teen may later earn the privilege of staying alone—and further, they may want to spell out the timing of that promised redemption, lest they court ten plagues of their own...
...Independent since early childhood, Kathy has not gotten along well with her parents for several years...
...Then, they must be prepared to follow through...
...There is nothing in the rules about adapting and changing with the developing needs of the child...
...Parenting implies firm, hard limits and definitions...
Vol. 2 • April 1977 • No. 6
