Berkeh's Story
Lax, Leah
Berkeh's Story Leah Lax Th e y o u n g m e n stood shivering on the front stoop. They huddled together with towels rolled under their arms, waiting for the school bus that picked them up at...
...At the mikvah, they came alive...
...Unknown hands appeared at Berkeh's face to tilt tiny plastic cups of vodka into his mouth...
...Tatteh, is everything all right...
...she said, teasing him...
...He had to look until he no longer imagined he saw their lean muscles and sinewy firmness beneath the clothing, until his right hand stopped rubbing fingers on his palm in an unconscious caress...
...Eight, and you...
...What...
...Then he felt Shlomo's hand moving up his own thigh and a tightening in his groin, as if it was reaching involuntarily toward the hand...
...The hot coffee smell of Shlomo's breath was on his face...
...He was relaxed, had let his guard down...
...The hall for the wedding celebration was divided down the middle by a lattice partition elaborately woven with long strands of decorative ivy and scattered flowers...
...It would be delicious for about five minutes," she said and looked at him, puzzled...
...Next rime wear tennis shoes...
...Finally, a turn in the path revealed a bench with clumps of wildflowers clustered around its feet...
...The pads of Berkeh's tremulous fingers traced the side of the familiar nose, traced the lips, and traveled across the cheek in a caress, resting on a thin line of curled hair in the blond beard...
...Shayna sitting right here on her own, thank you...
...When the others came out of the water their hair was still wet...
...and Berkeh drank it all...
...The men whirled in circles around the groom, arm over arm...
...He stopped for a moment at the window, prickling at the awareness of Shlomo staring at him from behind...
...Berkeh tried to relax...
...He strode off, past Shlomo's pain...
...It was an old tree and its hole was a cave...
...The only couples seen in public together inside their community were engaged or already married...
...The parents talk...
...Their shadows overlapped in front of them on the path...
...You bet...
...Berkeh wanted to grab Shlomo's hand and ask him not to leave...
...He often watched them...
...He would forget Shayna, forget the yeshiva...
...Mom's going to have another in May...
...He told himself he must be the ner Hashem, the candle of God, wavering, small and weak, yes, but constant in its reach to the above...
...As they sat down together at the kitchenette where Shlomo had once eaten his daily breakfast cereal, his father's gaze had made him feel transparent and small...
...Just checking...
...Berkeh caught Shlomo's nod toward nearby chairs...
...I gotta make a call...
...Oh yes...
...four hundred and twenty three...
...Not you...
...His father thundered...
...Berkeh felt as if he was being pulled down a dark corridor leading to an unknown and frightening place...
...H E T W O B O Y S M E T A F T E R T H E FIRST C L A S S . T H E Y L I N G E R E D I N A S I D E H A L L W A Y B E F O R E E N T E R I N G T H E S M A L L S Y N A G O G U E A D J A C E N T T O T H E L O B B Y FOR M O R N I N G P R A Y E R S . F O R T H O S E F E W M I N U T E S B E R K E H FORGOT W H E RE H E W A S E X P E C T E D T O B E . T H E I R A M I T Y W A S P E P P E R E D W I T H S U B T L E N U D G E S O F T H E S H O U L D E R S , F I N G E R P O K E S T O T H E C H E S T , H A N D S O N A R M S , A N D C L O S E D - L I P S M I L E S W I T H F O R E H E A D S T I P P E D FORWARD, A L M O S T T O U C H I N G . L A T E T H E N I G H T B E F O R E I N B E D , B E R K E H ' S E Y E S H A D R E S T E D O N T H E D I M S H A D O W S O F T H E H I G H D O R M I T O R Y C E I L I N G . H E H A D T O W O N D E R I F T H E R E W E R E T W O B E R K E H S , T W O S E P A R A T E B E I N G S T H A T FLIPPED A N D T U G G E D O N E A N O T H E R . W H E N H E J O I N E D T H E Y E S H I V A B O Y S I N C L A S S A N D L E T H I S M I N D L O C K W I T H T H E I R S I N T A L M U D I C I N T R I C A C I E S A N D I N M Y S T I C A L W O R L D S , T H AT W A S H I S R E A L I T Y . B U T W H E N H E W A S W I T H S H L O M O . .. B E R K E H ' S E Y E S S T A Y E D L O C K E D O N H I S F R I E N D A S T H E Y E N T E R E D T H E S Y N A G O G U E . H O W C O U L D S H L O M O B E S O S U R E , S O C A L M ? H E W A S L I K E A R I V E R W I T H A S T E A D Y C U R R E N T D R A W I N G H I M I N A S B E R K E H S T R U G G L E D T O S W I M A G A I N S T I T A T T H E FRONT O F T H E R O O M W A S R A B B I R A I C H I K , A L O C A L R A B B I - T U R N E D - B U S I N E S S M A N W H O J O I N E D T H E M I N T H E M O R N I N G S A N D L E D T H E P R A Y E R S . B E R K E H P O S I T I O N E D T H E B L A C K L E A T H E R T E F I L L I N B O X E S O N H I S H E A D A N D FOREARM W I T H A G R A T E F U L , S W I F T E X P E R T I S E , A S T H E M A S S O F S T R O N G V O I C E S S U R R O U N D E D H I M A N D W R A P P E D H I M L I K E A H U M A N P R A Y E R S H A W L . H I S L O N E V O I C E R O S E U P A M O N G T H E M A N D C L I M B E D S T I L L F A R T H E R, S E A R C H I N G R E L E A S E . H E C L O S E D H I S E Y E S , S W A Y E D , A N D B O T H H E A R D A N D D I D N O T H E A R T H E W O R D S T H A T C A M E FROM H I S T O N G U E , U N T I L T H E L A S T . "It i f incumbent upon its to praise the Master of All, to ascribe greatness to the Creator of 'In the Beginning S E V E R A L B O Y S A P P R O A C H E D A S B E R K E H W A S P U T T I N G H I S T E F I L L I N A W A Y I N I T S V E L V E T B A G . T H E Y S L A P P E D H I S S H O U L D E R S , T O U C H E D H I S A R M S . S H L O M O S T O O D C L O SE B Y . B E R K E H W A S C O N S C I O U S O F H I S C H E S T R I S I N G A N D F A L L I N G . H E H E L D U P O N E H A N D I N A N A F F A B L E M A N N E R T O F E N D T H E B O Y S O F F A N D S M I L E D A T T H E I R A T T E N T I O N . " H E Y , B E R K . Y O U R E A D Y FOR G O L D E N B E R G ' S ^ I A E R ? T H A T T E S T ' L L B E T O U G H ! " " B E R K E H N E V E R G E T S R U F F L E D . H E ' S P R O B A B L Y G O T I T D O W N C O L D !" " B E R K E H , C O U L D Y O U FIGURE O U T Daf Lamedi I S L E P T T H R O U G H I T . " " H E Y , I F B E R K C A N ' T G E T I T , FORGET A B O U T ft...
...He, too, stripped off his hat and jacket and tossed them aside and turned and turned, red-faced and grinning...
...He wanted...
...Large trees rustled above their shadows on the walks...
...It was when Shlomo was last home to visit...
...One of the boys shot him a sly smile and pointed one thumb upward, a vote of belonging...
...So he told his father...
...He showered as soon as they entered the mikvah building, while the others were still in the pool, and then waited on the bench in the inner area, dry and clothed, disappointed in himself for not joining them...
...He squeezed his eyes shut...
...Shlomo nodded, sighed...
...Berkeh danced arm in arm with the others in one of the concentric circles of dancers around the groom, ready now to meld indistinguishable...
...Only once had Shlomo closed his book and tried to begin...
...Varieties of mushrooms with their small, tilted caps teetered on firm upright stalks, still glistening from an earlier rain, seeking to spread their fecund spores...
...Jackets and ties and collars were opened, shirts unbuttoned...
...For a full minute they were blurred together as the fleeting image of the laughing faces burned into Berkeh's brain and Berkeh held on, his face contorting, his shoulders rising, a wave going through him, and they were fused as a spinning unit, balanced in twirling motion...
...I like that...
...This, smiling...
...Rabbi Raichik...
...I thought you were my son...
...Berkeh was driving forward with no destination...
...The young man had polished his shoes...
...It's here...
...She looked up at him...
...I would like that," she mouthed back to him...
...Same...
...He could not think...
...Berkeh couldn't seem to find his next breath...
...Park Lane was three streets over...
...He parked near the gated entrance...
...she said...
...He could hear his heart beating in his ears in excitement...
...I can learn to love a woman...
...Shlomo grasped first one of his arms and then both to steady him while the inner circle of dancers widened to encompass them, and it felt as if the groom and his brother had melted away, as if the spinning circle were focused on them, including the passing faces of the two boys that had seen them in the lobby who were laughing now and pointing and Berkeh laughed with them...
...He's offering for you to go out with his daughter...
...I think I can get into the middle of the park from there...
...The entire yeshiva will place a crown on his head...
...How old are you...
...You can't love a...
...Loss washed over Berkeh...
...As Shlomo recited, Berkeh closed his eyes and envisioned Shlomo's leg and the hand that stroked it...
...I love you, Ta...
...Berkeh punched a button to turn it on, but the machine did not respond...
...Ta, do you want to flip a switch in me...
...Shlomo looked as if he had not slept...
...BERKEH HEARD HIS NAME OVER THE intercom in the study hall...
...Maybe the earth here couldn't hold it...
...Yossi Bendell...
...Shayna...
...But his father panicked...
...Shivering again in the morning chill beneath a gray, low sky that muffled sound, the students climbed aboard the ancient bus, which beeped its way into traffic toward the study hall...
...BERKEH AND SHLOMO SAT FACING ONE another across a narrow, wooden table in the crowded study hall...
...How could you leave...
...You just described dozens of guys at the yeshiva...
...If he felt thar touch just once more, it would open something that Berkeh couldn't resist...
...Then Berkeh grasped arms with the groom and jumped into a faster dance, and the groom's feet tripped through an elaborate series of hazy steps while the music pulsated and filled Berkeh's whole brain with its beat...
...The scent of the leaves mixed with the smell of sunlight...
...With effort his vision grew clouded and his eyes stopped drawing down below their chins in a reflexive sweep...
...Let's get a head start on that test, huh...
...And to think of announcing such a deviation from his father's expectations, to expect his father might listen to his telling of forbidden desires, or to be able to face it if he wouldn't, required thinking in Shlomo's strange language...
...The groom danced in the center with his father, his father-in-law, his new brothersin- law and various people he wished to honor...
...OK, Ta...
...The guys around here respect him a lot...
...Leave the yeshiva and his community...
...R A B B I R A I C H I K W A T C H E D T H E M F R O M A C R O S S T H E R O O M . B E R K E H W A S D R I N K I N G I N T H E A D M I R A T I O N W H E N Shlomo caught his eye...
...It meant you had arrived, joined a fine, exclusive club...
...He blushed...
...But he felt riveted to the presence before him...
...Berkeh and Shlomo had been study partners since they first met at summer camp as young boys...
...Careful with prayers...
...It echoed down the street...
...And what about Shayna...
...That's it...
...His feet continued without stop and carried him along with the others, and then he was shoved forward to dance with the groom...
...Berkeh looked up at its vaulted ceiling and behind him at the closed door...
...But no one will be there...
...Shlomo put his hand on Berkeh's shoulder and spoke quiet words that blew warm in his ear...
...Where ya' been...
...The younger ones splashed one another, all elbows and jokes, and dunked each other's heads under the water, laughing and spluttering, then ran for the few showers...
...Ohh...
...Best of all, he saw his father dancing at his wedding...
...He forced himself not to meet Shlomo's eyes...
...Eighteen for two more months...
...You want to go...
...He'd missed that part: the requisite dormitory conferences with boys who had already dated, the tips about just these things...
...My father likes you...
...Berkeh entered the men's side with Shlomo several feet behind him just moments before the band came to a dramatic stop...
...Shlomo's jaw was dropped...
...Then her face softened, and there was a look of delicate interest about her, almost wonder, like someone gazing at something rare and specialized...
...They stepped, they jumped, they sang...
...Shlomo leaned forward and took his hand...
...You measured up against all of them and melded into them, indistinguishable, breathless at the calculated acceptance, thrilled that they see and are happy for you...
...he said...
...Others stretched their legs in the aisle, leaned their heads back on the seat and closed their eyes to snatch a few more minutes of sleep...
...I'm forced out," Shlomo whispered...
...I'll call her and set a date...
...More vodka was passed...
...This, thought Berkeh, is desire...
...The boys were equal here...
...Two fellow students were passing, headed into the wedding hall...
...How many questions did you ask before you accepted the offer to go out with me...
...No commitment...
...Shlomo put his hand on Berkeh's shoulder and took a step closer to him...
...Uh, zero...
...Of course not...
...Everything about her seemed too soft...
...Two stood with shoulders turned to the wind and hands ° cupped over a cigarette, squinting their smoke-stung eyes...
...The entry area of the hotel was covered with worn, red velvet carpeting and the high ceiling was studded with large, yellowed chandeliers, glistening in their own light...
...What he felt...
...Uh, yes...
...It was all becoming a pantomime...
...BERKEH BORROWED A CAR, AN OLD Oldsmobile sedan that once, several owners ago, had been a luxury car...
...How's that...
...Well, you have all the standard criteria...
...The motion of his arm was large and liquid from alcohol...
...His gentle manner, the long-held bond between the two, seemed, for that evening, invisible...
...To Berkeh, when Shlomo recounted this story it was as if Shlomo were speaking a foreign language...
...It was growing dark...
...she said...
...Then the inner group lowered the groom and put him on top of a table that they had stripped, without ceremony, of its elaborate pink settings...
...Berkeh didn't respond, although he felt he was being both examined and appreciated...
...Their knotted branches were heavy with rough bark...
...That was the pride in it, being the same...
...The two entered the yeshiva building, their cavern, Berkeh's cocoon...
...Oh...
...Tell her no," he said...
...Yes, he belonged...
...Of course it is...
...It was set against a tree trunk in a clearing near the old tennis house...
...He put down the unfinished pastry and with fists raised he jumped back into the whirling circle with a new, fierce joy, victorious, full of the image of himself as the head of a household, a father, a scholar and community leader, a mensch...
...I feel safe with you...
...He did not say he loves him...
...their beauty contrived, transcendent...
...Uncontrolled laughter spilled out of him...
...He was afraid he would stare at their bodies and terrified of what they would say if he did, and yet he was unable to call attention to himself by refusing to come along...
...His father's garden...
...One stolen glance told him Shlomo was doing the same...
...He leaned the back of his neck on the rusted chrome railing of his seat and was soon asleep...
...Kazen gets number one...
...There was a certain anonymity in a big city crowd that allowed them to talk together, far away from the eyes of their friends...
...Berkeh sighed: One very public telephone for all their communication...
...I can't be here...
...You go ahead and leave," he said...
...And to me...
...Another rabbi jumped in wearing a clown face and wig...
...It's so stifling...
...I'll have to find a place...
...Her smile was more gentle than Shlomo's, but somehow it seemed too soft...
...Zero...
...He said nothing for the moment and gripped the wheel tighter...
...Uh oh," she said...
...Do this...
...Were you...
...There were times, when he was younger, that Berkeh managed to immerse himself before the others came in, which he did with an urgency that left him stiff-jointed...
...Then where...
...I'll stay," he said, but in an ironic tone...
...She paused...
...Shlomo insisted he did not feel the need to go through empty motions, and he didn't fear questions...
...They jumped into the warm water for their routine morning requirement, this ritual purification before communal prayer...
...His limbs felt light and unconnected...
...It was so easy...
...You have to see if she's right for you...
...Wrong shoes...
...He looked around him...
...I want to, Berkeh wanted to say...
...Berkeh moved to the innermost circle of dancers, where he couldn't see Shlomo past the string of dancing men...
...They must have heard...
...His mother was sleeping...
...Olive green leaves were interspersed with spots of sunlight and the delicate yellow-green of new growth...
...Its blue paint was dulled and its vinyl roof was networked with cracks and tears...
...Berkeh waved his arm, the petit four in his hand, at the circles dancing around the bride and groom...
...His eyes darted across the sea of students bent over their texts and arguing with one another...
...Berkeh dug more studiously into the text, frowning in concentration, but his pulse quickened and he heard his own breathing, guarded and fast...
...The men lowered the table and the groom jumped off and rejoined the dancing, and the whirling circle broke up into several smaller ones, one inside the other, each going in the opposite direction...
...His face flushed with the honor of it...
...No, Berkeh's father's language was one of Torah and community, in a world of husbands with wives and children...
...Just as they began, someone handed Berkeh a larger cup of vodka and shouted "Mazel tov...
...You'll learn...
...The couple separated and were swept into wild dancing on their respective sides...
...The yeshiva...
...He joined her on the bench, leaving a modest space between them...
...He tried not to think the worst thoughts—that he would say all the wrong things, or that she might see that a barely visible Shlomo clung to him from behind...
...Some began their prelimij nary morning prayers on the bus...
...Several cars rushed past...
...Their limbs sprawled over one another...
...Berkeh looked back at the row of eyes, feigned a confident smile, and raised a thumb upward in return...
...He pushed the words with a tone of finality past a constriction in his throat...
...His voice went soft...
...When Berkeh first heard, he was horrified...
...A cassette of Yiddish Gems stuck out of the tape deck...
...AC/DC...
...He grinned and heard the foreign slur in his voice...
...Well...
...One stopped a few paces ahead of Berkeh and Shlomo and then looked back at them, curious, just in the moment that Shlomo raised his other hand to Berkeh's other shoulder and leaned forward...
...Both were aware of the protocol that required their date to be both away from their community with its gossip and in a public place, with anonymous passersby forrning a sort of chaperone...
...You're different from the others," she said in the minute that the band paused between pieces...
...A flush rose into his ears...
...She seemed cheerful, and when she opened the front car door and got in with a flounce, she smoothed her crisp, blue skirt in front of her, looked modesdy downward for a moment, then looked straight into his eyes and offered the first hello...
...The preliminaries...
...Assur," his father insisted...
...Berkeh danced with the others around the groom, who was sitting high up on the table, and everyone clapped and shouted and sang...
...This is what Berkeh wanted for the two of them...
...A three-course meal was to be served later...
...Berkeh was among them...
...A pace away from Shlomo was one of the younger students with an eager look, a known gossip with red ears...
...An abomination...
...OK, Shlomo wanted to say as he stood on now-heavy limbs to go up the carpeted stairs to his childhood bedroom, still intact and, it seemed to him, shrine-like...
...To him...
...all locker-room naked, long ago past the bathing suit phase when they hid their budding selves, when each was sure his was a singular, private thing...
...Now Berkeh and Shlomo were the pulse that drove the machine...
...Berkeh swallowed again, tongue-tied, and shook himself...
...Shlomo, I...
...No...
...So I could have three hands and one eye sticking out of the top of my head and you'll still go out with me because I'm Rabbi Raichik's daughter...
...I can hardly think of going without you...
...I wonder what could bring down a young tree like that...
...But where...
...His focus on the text was thorough when they learned together...
...The unspoken words hung there as he disconnected...
...We take what we get...
...His head spun with the music...
...A hum and tangle of voices rose as partners squared off across their tables to spar over the Talmudic text...
...Rabbi Raichik chose him} Berkeh grinned...
...The sound of voices around them goaded him, chided him...
...It was his father...
...He grinned at her, surprised...
...Berkeh smiled and made a right turn...
...He was still troubled about their conversation the day before, when Shlomo related what he had told his father...
...The other side was a sea of black suits and black hats...
...Berkeh's lazy smile was a flash of pleasure aimed at his friend, at his sandy, wiry hair and quick, toothy smile...
...Just move, go, and be filled with the pleasure of fitting into the larger flow of forward movement...
...Berkeh's face went red...
...He did not look up from the road...
...The news made a little explosion in Berkeh...
...Like a fish in the ; 1 I C E A N of Tbrah...
...proud of you...
...The mood was high...
...Her hand hovered there...
...How many times will you go out with that girl...
...His nostrils flared...
...She turned to him...
...To Berkeh, the park was selfcontained and controlled...
...I don't think...
...He couldn't imagine being without Shlomo...
...the first soundings of wedding music wafted into the lobby...
...Oh, no," she said, sounding playful and appalled...
...Berkeh felt panicked...
...That old place...
...On the break, Berkeh stopped to watch a few boys out back playing basketball...
...He tried to push his mind away from forming an image beyond the blurred letters...
...You're not a big talker...
...The lead player shouted into the microphone in an Israeli accent, "Ladies and gentlemen: Mr...
...BERKEH SAT UP, suddenly disconnected from the tightness between his legs, like one just shaken, still numb, from sleep...
...And Mrs...
...If Raichik's daughter is right for me, I'll many her...
...I mean, he'll probably look for someone he can take into his business...
...Now, at 20, his days were like this one...
...Can't you understand...
...I'll be right there," he said in a light and eager tone...
...Someone mentions a girl...
...I don't want to go home," she said...
...I don't want to leave...
...She drew in a deep breath...
...Since his father's phone call, Berkeh had avoided conversation with Shlomo...
...Berkeh began to recite...
...The groom held on to the edges of the seat while the unsteady, tipping chair danced in the air above the others, who were still whirling arm over arm...
...BERKEH STOPPED IN FRONT OF THE Raichik's home and smiled...
...Shlomo's eyes went to the familiar tapestry of the living room sofa and then back to his father in front of him in the kitchen, to his father's receding, steel gray hair standing on end after being raked with an agitated hand, to his father's other hand still gripping the worn knob of the cane Shlomo had known since childhood...
...He's found a lot of brides for the boys...
...How would it feel to wander here alone with Shlomo, relaxed and unpressured, unjudged, unseen, with the subtle breeze touching their faces...
...Shlomo's steady eyes were on him...
...Well, you'll see," he said...
...He wished he could crumble the shell in his fingers, and then shook himself to shake the wish away...
...I can't be here...
...Hah...
...As he walked he noticed rot, and twisted roots, and new cuttings struggling to take hold...
...Shlomo leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees, as if it was necessary to whisper beneath the vaulted ceiling that protected their privacy with a blanket of air...
...Others were still arriving...
...The Ambassador...
...Don't you know it can't be here...
...Well, once...
...Berkeh's eyes locked downward on his book...
...Berkeh looked past the boys to Shlomo standing at a distance behind the group...
...And he left the rest unsaid...
...He looked at the groom and pictured himself in that place, made himself want again the warm satisfaction of such honor, like an arrival...
...Berkeh relaxed, ready to learn...
...Sure...
...Berkeh's deepest wish was to dull himself enough to participate...
...He gives a lot of money and he's a real scholar...
...Their world was an interior, full of their rebbes and the cacophony of voices in the study hall...
...But he didn't know the words...
...His father did not say it...
...But, Berk...
...Berkeh was completely confused...
...All but Berkeh...
...Dedicated to his learning...
...Their voices rose and fell into the night...
...Berkeh smiled, pleased to hear that voice, but wary...
...His friend hovered, impatient...
...His whisper was fierce, pleading...
...He's most impressed with you...
...Berkeh was among them, from the outside indistinguishable from the others in his energy, his camaraderie, his pleasure that yet another friend had reached, in marriage, fulfillment...
...You want to know if I can be your wife, right...
...Don't worry...
...I want a match like the others, and a wedding...
...He was nauseated, full of raw fear...
...Is i t . . . is it me...
...You know," he shouted above the music...
...A group of young men swooped into the middle of the spinning circle, nudged the groom into a chair and lifted him upwards while they danced...
...Where are we going...
...I don't want to talk about it...
...Maybe," he said, "maybe the soil wasn't right...
...He felt the warmth in his face and head, felt the blurring in his feet and tongue...
...They jumped with one hand on their heads to keep their yarmulkes from falling while the other arm flailed outward and tzitzis fringes flew...
...Her mouth hung slightly open as she looked at him and leaned forward...
...The boys were eager, affected by the fresh joy radiating from the milling, smiling crowd ahead of them...
...But Shlomo...
...A scarf on her shoulders set off her face above a long neck, like a longstemmed rose...
...Helpless to resist, he held back and sent the other boys on...
...Shayna's gaze fell to his feet and came up again, like a whispered touch...
...When she finally emerged, she skipped down the concrete stairs and let the screen door bang...
...Silence, but she smiled...
...The band started up again...
...She turned toward him...
...ON SUNDAY EVENING A GROUP OF BOYS from the yeshiva walked into the cavernous lobby of the Ambassador Hotel...
...stay," his father begged him in the end, when both of their eyes were half shut, certainly against what either wanted not to see, but also from fatigue...
...He had pelted himself forward down a different corridor, but how could he cut away the part of himself that was Shlomo...
...Berkeh and Shayna drank in the smell of sun and green, tinged with car exhaust...
...He called to her as she walked up the steps to her front door...
...Berkeh pulled his hand away from Shlomo's face as if he'd been burned...
...But for Berkeh the garden of Torah was not so perfect...
...Beyond the end of the partition at the front of the hall a band played...
...Sure...
...How many questions did you ask about me...
...His thoughts were a vortex eddying and swirling downward to one point, his existence one thing only: Want...
...He tried to envision himself married...
...She laughed and leaned back...
...And still he danced, furious, enthused, determined...
...He tried not to think...
...He shifted on the bench...
...Hello...
...He wanted to say something that would make Shlomo open the door...
...He was shaking...
...I don't know...
...There was a call for him...
...Like a chameleon...
...When the bus arrived, the group climbed in ; with a tired resignation...
...His eyes were already bright with excitement and vodka...
...Other duos and groups of study partners had always surrounded them and all faced one another across a table...
...Mom and I." His chest felt tight with love for his father...
...Forget his father...
...Four...
...What do I think...
...The arboretum was deep and dense...
...Ta, I don't know what to say...
...He stood to g°- Berkeh stood, too, and then, just as Shayna had reached out to him, he reached out with a trembling hand to Shlomo's face...
...With lips pursed in indecision, he honked twice...
...She was trembling...
...Berkeh held both his hands up to the others in modest refusal...
...He tried to swallow...
...For him it was a simple matter, but how, thought Berkeh, could it be simple...
...He left off his search and made his way around the narrow tables and out to the lobby...
...Luminescent drops clung to the flattened rows of hair on young limbs and shimmered in their thin, new beards...
...You think you can't help it, but it's not allowed...
...But I...
...One look at Shlomo fed the fire in him...
...Shlomo seemed unable to knock at a door he knew to be locked...
...Rabbi Raichik called us...
...At the present moment, he said, "rhe calculation is approximately...
...She flushed, withdrew her hand, and retreated to bend over and put her shoes on...
...Those are just the points you got on the first hour...
...He was an inner part now of a huge and noisy machine where he didn't have to think, didn't have to know anything but the stream of motion...
...Aching helplessness...
...For a few moments the two sat watching the wedding traffic in the lobby, unable to find words, and an onlooker might have thought them bored or waiting for someone...
...Berkeh raised up one hand...
...For the smallest moment, in between the beats of the music, Shlomo's beard was against his cheek and Berkeh felt Shlomo's hand at his back, felt Shlomo's breath blown into his ear...
...They paused at a tree, still green, that lay on its side, it's roots sprawled in the air, helpless...
...I can handle it if we walk slow...
...Lenowitz second...
...They set their > teet apart against its rocking, trying to coordinate " their own swaying to its motion, and clutched : pocket-sized prayer books that were frayed and unable to close tight, the pages fingered daily for months, years, the corners darkened and shining...
...He wanted to see them sharing space in a separate, undemanding way, fitting around one another like puzzle pieces, easier in a way, he was sure, with her, without the electrifying, confusing feeling that he had with Shlomo...
...Their surroundings faded...
...Shlomo's voice was an accusation...
...Everywhere red faces with open-mouthed smiles flew past and his feet carried him as if on air...
...How many do you have...
...She turned and flushed when she saw him coming...
...a man...
...Now that it was real, he was surprised at the size of it...
...SHLOMO SLOUCHED DOWN IN HIS SEAT in the study hall...
...Once...
...I don't—we don't know that much about him...
...Berkeh turned and found the impatient group of boys behind him had grown quiet, all looking at him...
...It seemed to Berkeh as if the clothing the boys pulled over themselves was a transparent, ephemeral shell obscuring nothing, but placing their bright flesh in an inaccessible place...
...He saw a silent, toolong interchange between two sets of eyes, two knowing grins...
...A good, religious boy...
...Then Shlomo's blue-green eyes were in front of his and Berkeh felt the bear hug of Shlomo's chest pounding against his and the cold air on the tears spilling down his cheeks...
...His first thought was that she was so at ease that it seemed she must have gone out with several boys before him...
...There were several dog-eared dictionaries...
...The boys looked at each other and laughed, and then they passed, the first with a dismissing wave over his shoulder...
...Two grasp onto a single prayer shawl One says, 'It is mine.' And the other says, 'It is mine.'" As they proceeded, Shlomo's hand stroked the inner side of his own knee in time with their singsong, and Berkeh's eye picked up the rhythmic motion of Shlomo's arm...
...Shlomo was waiting when they arrived...
...We have a test...
...He felt weak, his head light, his tongue too frozen to protest words that didn't seem real...
...Son, you've got to at least try...
...Then she reached her hand toward his face and held it there, just beyond the forbidden touch, but close enough for him to feel her warmth on his cheek...
...But if someone stepped in to join him he looked away from their nakedness and left with his head down, as if he could find anonymity by avoiding their eyes...
...Berkeh turned toward the celebration, in a fury, ready now...
...His right knee protruded forward under the table, brushing Berkeh's thigh...
...Don't forget me," she said as she got out of the car...
...Maybe you don't belong here...
...She paused...
...The music's speed increased and the two were holding one another as a single spinning, teetering top, whirling now, each hand gripping a forearm against the centrifugal force that could rip them apart...
...I doubt that...
...Oh my God, he thought...
...Maybe my own living room...
...Where will you go...
...When Shlomo leaned forward to speak to him, Berkeh counted on the muffling din of the study hall for cover...
...How can you find anything out about me when we're sitting on some hotel couch and chatting about, I don't know, how many siblings we have...
...He leaned across the seat so she could see his face through the window on the passenger side...
...Shalom, Ber...
...It was Shlomo shaking him, pulling his arm...
...Berkeh didn't know what to say...
...Something was taking shape in Berkeh's mind...
...His mind was racing in two directions at once...
...Yes...
...There'll be someone there, and I can talk there...
...The heat of humiliation turned to rage...
...How he felt...
...Berkeh, are you ready for this...
...Hey, Berkeh...
...They spoke on and off on the drive home and the empty moments seemed easy enough between them, in spite of Shlomo's stubborn image in the periphery of his mind's eye...
...You can't do this...
...Hats came off...
...His hands shook...
...The boys stood or sat, with brows knit and lips moving in silence...
...When she stood up, their eyes met, and then both looked away again, embarrassed...
...Items were labeled or transplanted with care for preservation...
...He asked, but he knew...
...Both men and women hovered, nibbling from flowered plates...
...The wedding hall was filled with waiting people and with the sounds of happy conversation, the clink of catering dishes, and the smell of food...
...Will you go out with her...
...He would step down into the pool, glance around with wide eyes, and duck one swift time beneath the water, hoping to seize for that brief moment a feeling of free-floating submersion, to be a drop nulled in the greater pool...
...Can you put on a different skin...
...He imagined all of the students crowded around, lifting him up on a chair tipping in the air as they danced at his wedding...
...Shalom Ber, we're...
...Like what...
...The slow, solid conclusion about he was...
...The rolling, bluish clouds seeped downward...
...Their shoulders touched...
...Good family...
...Silence...
...He would not sleep, enshrouded like that in his parent's hopes...
...He had begun to convince himself that this could be a simple and pleasant friendship...
...He froze...
...For a light-headed moment Berkeh's mind jumped past his Talmud to picture himself seated behind a desk, managing real estate...
...he said...
...Shayna's eyes widened, glistened at what she took to be an invitation...
...One of the rabbis dug small beanbags out of his pocket and began to juggle...
...I haven't done a thing...
...Simple things were complex and the complex could be distilled down to a vivid point of God's essence as it shimmered its way through multiple worlds...
...Not unpleasant, he told himself, resolute...
...You can't live that way...
...Good reputation in the yeshiva...
...There he could retreat from the forces that were pulling him in opposite directions...
...Berkeh turned off the roadway onto a gravel path leading into the large, central city park...
...Shirttails hung = out over black, straight pants, and ritual fringes dangled like a tailor's forgotten threads...
...Berkeh thought he heard rhythmic words in the pulse of the music...
...He's a businessman, Ta...
...With each circling Berkeh caught a fleeting image of Shlomo standing on the side, separate, different, and with each sighting Berkeh stepped higher and lighter and gripped the shoulders of the dancers on either side of him with more surety...
...Why do you say that...
...When Shlomo once questioned Berkeh it was as if the two spoke different languages...
...He lifted the receiver, still warm from the last person's hand, and leaned forward with his back to the others in a futile effort at privacy...
...Hey, you guys coming in...
...Hebrew lyrics were set to a wild mixture of liturgical, klezmer, rock, folk, classical music, and modern Israeli tunes, all at the same fast pace, all at earsplitring volume...
...a bond of Torah study, like heads suspended from bodies...
...Berkeh's feet were not ready and he flew away and into Shlomo, who seemed to be waiting there to catch him...
...Is that why you were waiting up for me...
...That's it," Shlomo said...
...Stay in the yeshiva...
...For a few minutes they drove in silence...
...Shayna without a last name...
...Somewhere a dog barked...
...I want this community to celebrate me when I take my place among them...
...But guilt sat like a lump in Shlomo...
...The group came upon Shlomo, who had been standing alone in the lobby off to the side, and swept past him with waves and greetings...
...Stay...
...Come on Berkeh...
...I'll miss you," Shlomo said...
...He felt like he was on a roller coaster without a driver, as if he could see his father's toy-sized figure far below, when he had wanted his father in the seat next to him, and still Shlomo wanted to defy and span the impossible distance, reach his unattainable father disappearing behind him, gather him up and bring him back...
...The bride and groom appeared at the doorway and the band immediately went into a frenzy...
...He felt blinded...
...The Highlands...
...She laughed...
...I mean, you're Rabbi Raichik's daughter...
...You're, I don't know, nice to be with...
...a blur of sweat and flapping, white shirttails, hastily donned tennis shoes, hot red cheeks, and joyful, wild eyes...
...They walked back slowly and did not speak of her almost-touch...
...He thought in panicked relief of the suit jacket hanging on the back of his chair that he could use to cover the evidence of his erection...
...Several spinning couples of men flew in and around it...
...He dreamed of a private pool where he could » immerse without eyes around him...
...An hour passed, and part of another...
...He jumped into the current...
...He trained his eyes on the white tiles hoping they would leave a blank white picture in his mind's eye...
...I can't...
...Berkeh watched their game and then went to the study hall during the break to look for a particular volume, a rare exposition on the text they were studying...
...Already...
...Shlomo stepped back, hurt, his eyes narrowed and cutting...
...Several wore j fedoras that hung off the back of their heads...
...A line of eyes...
...Why must you go to the mikvah, he asked...
...All clasped arms, whirling, whirling...
...Turning pages...
...There was a cultivated garden at the front followed by a path into the park that was wide and well trampled...
...Pause...
...Rows of flowers stood at attention...
...Sorry, Itz...
...He didn't want to be seen...
...But don't worry...
...Shlomo heard his father's words now leaking a fading hope...
...He took a deep breath and relaxed...
...On one side of the path lay a fallen, hollowed tree...
...Her eyes were lively, her face open and friendly...
...Bottles of vodka were passed...
...It was common for the boys to take their clandestine dates to the grand old lobby of the aging luxury hotel...
...I can breathe...
...Shlomo's words stood there unembellished, alone because he was alone...
...What would he say if her mother answered...
...What do you think...
...His father laughed...
...Beads of sweat rose on Berkeh's brow and upper lip...
...Berkeh jumped at the touch and pulled away, then almost as instinctively leaned his thigh into Shlomo's leg, relaxed, and felt Shlomo's leg pressing back against his...
...He forced his voice forward in a hairing, stubborn resistance...
...You go out with her, and then life takes its course for you...
...Berkeh spun out of the circle to catch his breath and saw Shayna standing by the Viennese table...
...No...
...I can't be anyone else," Shlomo shot back, and although it was an angry retort, there was a note of desperation in his voice and a sliver of leftover hope...
...Berkeh smoothed his jacket and tucked in his shirt to protect the veneer, grateful for his father's gift: The offer of a date would thicken his cover...
...Their fatigue-drawn faces were " expressionless, their shoulders and arms bent forward against the damp morning breeze...
...Ta...
...Your mother has found a girl for you...
...The words astounded him, shrunk him, drew him...
...She was looking at him as he reached for a petit four...
...Well, not hundreds, like at the Ambassador, but oh, I don't care...
...And about Berkeh, although he wouldn't reveal his name...
...And neither can you...
...There was only a name for an act he desired and didn't want to desire...
...As they walked, he waited for the momentary awkwardness to pass, as if together they were walking away from the moment...
...I wonder if the tennis house is open...
...Abomination...
...His face was bright, eyes wide, smiling...
...He looked away from his father's dwindling image, shrinking himself from the burden of reportage he had placed on his father to inform his mother...
...For a moment he put his forehead into the palm of his right hand...
...I'm leaving tomorrow...
...Should he go to the door...
...Stale air and the odor of cigarettes filled the interior...
...Ta...
...The rest of the group grinned...
...A few young men rushed in, still stepping to the music, and lifted the table up with the seated groom on it until he could salute his bride on the other side of the partition...
...he said...
...Me...
...At the end of the partition was a single long table heavily draped in rolls of pink satin and laden with fruits and pastries and every imaginable type of dainty food, interspersed with flowers, ribbon, and ivy...
...Did you expect someone else...
...The two sat together in the old chairs of heavy brocade over dark, ornate wood where Berkeh had intended to sit with Shayna on their date...
...The bright sunlight through the leaves above them made a pattern across her face...
...Outside, a woman passed in vigorous stride with her dog on a taut leash straining ahead of her...
...He saw a calm and kind shadow in his background that served him food and listened to him, and loved his learning...
...and fear...
...This is home, Berkeh told himself...
...Berkeh read the familiar face, each shadow and line, as he had read it since they were boys...
...Come with me, Berkeh...
...A group of boys waited near the phone...
...Late at night there would be furtive boasting in the dormitory, exchanging notes, tips, teases...
...He hesitated in the car...
...When he dug into the oblique commentaries each line of text turned itself inside out to divulge its secret—that nothing is as it seems...
...He wanted to do this 1 alone...
...Berkeh bit his bottom lip and ran his tongue back and forth along its warmth...
...Good...
...Dancers wiped brows and jumped back in...
...He had a girl...
...More vodka was passed in a kiddush cup, and Berkeh tipped the cup himself now...
...And why did I pass...
...Physical light was really darkness...
...Hey, " Berkeh said shakily...
...A garden of Torah...
...That could be us...
...Somehow the Jewish community and his life in the yeshiva were all rolled into that view and sliding away...
...They huddled together with towels rolled under their arms, waiting for the school bus that picked them up at their dormitory every morning at 6:15...
...I am here, in this yeshiva, and this is what we are supposed to do...
...And...
...The music drove their feet and Shlomo's pulsing arms filled Berkeh's hands...
...Berkeh put the car in gear and pulled out onto the narrow lane...
...That's important...
...I guess I passed...
...His foot jerked on the pedal...
...The Highlands...
...It seemed, Shlomo told Berkeh later, as if a mass of elements had come together and it was time to talk...
...I'm sure you already know plenty...
...Then the groom let go too quickly for the next one...
...Look," he said, even as light glinted off Shlomo's hair and eyes and he sensed the pleading desire...
...Ta, there are a lot of people here...
...All but Berkeh entered the pool area and stripped off their clothes while they chatted, then descended the steps into the small, tiled pool...
...It was a quiet time in the neighborhood...
...We're the same...
...He was tumbling forward now...
...The engagement, the wedding, the buying of furniture, the plans for the first year—all a standard form, all his friends the same...
...she said...
...The sturdy table was nicked and scarred, strewn with books of many sizes in Hebrew or Yiddish...
...Shlomo's blue green eyes danced between the lines under Berkeh's gaze as they tried to discuss what they were learning...
...To Berkeh it was a wonder that Shlomo didn't go to the mikvah in the mornings...
...Shayna stopped at the head of the path and leaned her head back to take it all in with a smile...
...What is it...
...Some of the students were already settled in...
...Berkeh's Story Leah Lax Th e y o u n g m e n stood shivering on the front stoop...
...Rabbi Raichik's daughter...
...Berkeh's ears were growing deaf from the music...
...He wanted to be swept along with a tide of his peers, down its old, deep-set course, close his eyes and float along...
...He imagined the rich smell of moss and greenness in that womblike peace...
...Berkeh had become a comrade...
...Many of the trees were old and black...
...I wish...
...There was a thrill in that recognition...
...Mortification hit Berkeh in a wave that left his stomach queasy and the hairs on his arms standing up over goose bumps...
...Small family...
...The area on one side of the partition was full of milling women, elegantly coifed, in formal gowns...
...She laughed that laugh of hers...
...There were maps at the gatehouse, but they didn't stop for directions...
...I could just stay here...
...The group headed toward the main hall for the celebration...
...He missed Shlomo, who had gone to the drugstore without him...
...Shlomo's father had said it: To'eivah...
...It was the way that, with her, unlike with his father, he was at best awkward and newly arrived at manhood...
...He had gone to the local beis medrash to study in the evenings and came home one night to find his father waiting up for him...
...His eyes were alerted and searching Berkeh out, forehead creased...
...LUNCH WAS SERVED AT TWO O'CLOCK, after their classes and first session in the study hall...
...The brightness of things—the April sky, the traffic, the push in the streets and stores and homes, the rest of the world with all of its contentions— dimmed when the doors closed behind them...
...The bus bumped and snorted and sighed...
...So you're Shayna Raichik...
...Until I can't...
...Yes...
...He thought of his mother and her quiet ministrations...
...About a hundred...
...He laughed...
...They ate sandwiches and hot soup and picked at an array of salads...
...Nothing was real but Shlomo's hand...
...What...
...It was late and they had missed the outdoor wedding ceremony...
...And their world was created by words, because if God withdrew His Word for a single moment, the world would cease to exist...
...Three young men balanced themselves on each other's shoulders like a drunken tower, wavering their way up to the groom...
...Let's go now...
...But there was no word for Berkeh, for what he was, as if he was invisible...
...Where I can learn Torah without pretending...
...There was a pain in his stomach that nagged him...
...But Berkeh looked across the table and saw a young man with a body beneath his head...
...What...
...Don't you wish," he had to ask, "that you could climb in...
...A BOOK SLAMMED SHUT...
...She sighed and sat down, kicked off her shoes, then leaned over to rub the top of a sore foor...
...Elbow grease does it, guys...
Vol. 26 • October 2001 • No. 5
