Family Matters

Rose, Gail

Family Matters Gail Rose The Spouse Who Drank Too Much Learning to cope, Jewishly, with a loved one's drinking YEARS AGO I WAS MADLY IN LOVE AND suffering. The man I would eventually marry...

...I'd been told that 12-step programs—there are some 200 varieties inspired by, but independent of, Alcoholics Anonymous—were designed to be acceptable to people "of any religious faith, or of none...
...On my own, I began devouring books on Judaism, and decided that Al-Anon had shown me a God so breathtakingly infinite, it could only be Judaism's God...
...Qail Rose is a pseudonym for the author, an Atlanta writer whose real name is withheld at her request...
...Then a friend suggested that my problems might be related to his drinking...
...This is not an uncommon reaction, according to Feldman, who counsels Jewish addicts...
...I've also learned, in the years since I attended that first 12-step meeting, that I wasn't the first Jew to walk what I'd seen as a tightrope between recovery and evangelism...
...I threatened...
...Today, his drinking is a relatively minor problem for me...
...Rabbi Abraham Twerski, a psychiatrist and nationally acknowledged expert on addiction, finds in this a striking parallel to the daily meditations about God required of Jews before going to sleep, upon awakening, and during daily routine...
...It opened with Christian theologian Reinhold Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer," and closed with Jesus' "Lord's Prayer" from the Gospel According to Matthew...
...And the program I'd thought too Christian has delivered a bonus I couldn't have imagined: bringing God closer, and putting a source of strength I'd never known within my reach, the incredible beauty and power of Jewish prayer...
...I was intrigued...
...For starters, all 12-step programs work through anonymous sharing with others of experience and pain, and use the steps— beginning with an admission of powerless-ness and subsequent reliance on a "higher power"—as a path to spiritual growth and change...
...Learning about the 12 steps has helped me interpret my Judaism," he says...
...Step 11 states: "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God...
...And the 12-step emphasis on helping others could have come right out of Pirke Avot (The Ethics of the Fathers), which says, among other things: "Do not separate yourself from the community...
...Our lives were a soap opera...
...My husband still drinks, but Al-Anon has helped me to cope and set boundaries, and we are still together...
...I didn't think Jews had problems with alcohol, a common misconception that serves mainly to keep us from getting help...
...All of our traditional sources up until this century, all of our terminology is God-centered...
...In Judaism, individuals work toward improving themselves so they then may become a force for perfecting the world, evoking Al-Anon's 12th step: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs...
...Many Jews have perceived some of the same stumbling blocks...
...In between, Protestant housewives talked about the miracles God had performed in their lives...
...We have ceded God-talk to the Christians," he said, but "to talk openly about God is pure Judaism...
...JACS meetings, often held in local synagogues, focus on Judaism and sobriety...
...Judaism teaches that each of us is bom with a pure soul and that when we transgress, we deviate from this basic core," says Rabbi Carol Glass, writing in the JACS Journal...
...It has given me a vocabulary with which to process the goals of the Torah which, in describing a life of holiness, says there is a way to use and not abuse the universe...
...JACS is a support group for people who are already in recovery...
...After attending a meeting in a church basement festooned with Christian sayings and symbols, I was troubled...
...It never occurred to me to go to Jewish sources for help...
...Further, there's the expectation that 12-step members will make direct amends to the victims of their misdeeds—as in the ritual of atonement for Yom Kippur...
...Somebody was always leaving...
...It had not seemed excessive to me—but he did drink every day...
...According to Feldman, the Atlanta rabbi, once Jews see that Al-Anon can be viewed through a Jewish lens, it can actually become a force to help them deepen their relationship with and enthusiasm for Jewish faith and practice...
...Family Matters Gail Rose The Spouse Who Drank Too Much Learning to cope, Jewishly, with a loved one's drinking YEARS AGO I WAS MADLY IN LOVE AND suffering...
...Lots of times he had shown up an hour or more late for a dinner date because he had been "happy houring" with friends...
...the approach is religious, not therapeutic...
...Rabbi Ilan Feldman of Congregation Beth Jacob in Atlanta said that while the "steps" may seem un-Jewish, they're not...
...But we always got back together...
...Many of our arguments were on the way home from parties where drinking was normal for both of us...
...Al-Anon has taught me emotional detachment and reality-based thinking, helping me to deal with the problems of daily living, and to be a better Jew...
...And the ancient rabbis also suggested that each person find a mentor with whom to discuss his or her sins, much like the sponsorship aspect of 12-step programs...
...Once I discovered that the steps were not inconsistent with Judaism, I, too, was inspired to learn more about the faith I was brought up in...
...Members of 12-step programs agree to honor the principle of anonymity by not identifying themselves publicly when discussing their experiences in recovery...
...We backed down...
...The core principle of anonymity is consistent with the Jewish idea that no one has higher standing before God than another, and that everyone is accountable for his or her own life...
...We fought...
...I cried...
...There was only one drawback: Like other programs inspired by Alcoholics Anonymous (which is for alcoholics, not their families), Al-Anon uses the famous "12-step" method—heavy on God-talk, with spiritual embellishments that grated on my Jewish nerves—to help members gain perspective and control over their lives...
...an entry or reentry place for those who've become estranged from the Jewish world during their active addiction...
...Help was available for people who are affected by someone's drinking...
...At Al-Anon, I focused on my needs—not on my husband's drinking...
...He and other rabbis who've studied and written about recovery say it is possible for recovering alcoholics and their families to "work the steps" Jewishly...
...The prospect of talking with others whose spouses drank too much was appealing...
...This echoes the Mishnah's clear instructions for action, rather than reliance on faith for results...
...But as I learned after agreeing to research the topic for MOMENT, there aren't any Jewish recovery programs for the families of problem drinkers...
...JACS (Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons and Significant Others), a 30-year-old volunteer organization affiliated with the Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services, reinforced my spiritual quest...
...But participants sounded like evangelicals...
...They spoke of an awareness of God, of turning one's problems over to God, of having God remove one's character flaws—things that sounded alien to me as a Jew...
...Similarly, the steps stem from the assumption that the individual starts out whole and becomes flawed in the process of life...
...At a meeting I attended in Atlanta, people talked of addiction and recovery as metaphor for the Jewish experience...
...He frequently lied, especially about other women...
...Director Maxine Uttal calls it "a bridge between recovery and Judaism...
...Al-Anon, a program that had been created for friends and families of alcoholics, has more than 24,000 support groups in 115 countries...
...he threatened...
...The man I would eventually marry was emotionally distant and often cruel...
...To surrender to God's will is straight out of the Mishnah...

Vol. 26 • October 2001 • No. 5


 
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