FRANCINE KLAGSBRUN
FRANCINE KLAGSBRUN What makes Oprah's guests pour out their innermost secrets and pain before millions of viewers? A desperate need to be recognized in any way. One of the rituals connected with...
...Her new book, Mixed Feelings: Love, Hate, Rivalry, and Reconciliation Among Brothers and Sisters was published in September (Bantam, 1992...
...But we see it also within Jewish organizational life itself...
...You have the feeling," said a fundraiser for one of our largest community organizations, "that the more committed you are, the less respect you're given...
...We see that falloff in respect in the terrible polarization of the community, of course—in the refusal, of the religious right, for example, even to recognize the existence of non-Orthodox movements...
...Over and over, in anecdote and admonition, our sages hammered home the necessity for sensitivity in our dealings with one another, lest we offend someone or deprive a person of dignity or respect...
...Therefore we disparage ourselves as we believe others disparage us, and we especially neglect those who are most dedicated to and deepest within the system...
...Jewish communal workers I speak with, and even those who volunteer their time, complain bitterly and sadly of feeling devalued and unrecognized by organization leaders...
...Why the disparity between the ideals of our rabbis and the everyday practices of our people...
...Unfortunately, in practice, we've wandered far from that sensitivity, and if most of us will never feel compelled to plead for recognition on an "Oprah" or "Sally Jesse Raphael" show, nor will many of us find today within the Jewish community the unqualified sense of being valued and respected that our rabbis regarded as required behavior of one person toward another...
...I had heard many such secrets and seen similar pain among people I interviewed...
...One sign of hope for the future is the creation of the Wexner Foundation, which provides grants to prepare students' for leadership in the Jewish community...
...Said a woman of the cultural organization for which she works, 'They always speak of our institution as a family...
...Aside from the excitement and fun of being on national television, the mystery of what makes the guests on these shows willing to pour out their innermost secrets and pain before millions of viewers never ceased to intrigue me...
...It is better to submit to being cast into a fiery furnace than to shame a person in public," teaches another...
...Francine Klagsbrun writes and lectures on issues such as family, social change, ethics and feminism...
...One of the rituals connected with publishing a book on a popular theme these days is going on television and radio talk shows to discuss it...
...Trainees may find the guests weird or exhibitionis-tic, but they will also see writ large how urgent is the need people have to be heard, recognized and appreciated...
...Yet, if the ethos of the rabbis is to have any meaning again in our frenetic and fragmented modern world, Jewish organizations need to set the standards for caring, compassionate behavior, both in their treatment of those within their institutions and their attitudes toward one another...
...But public displays of hatred, rage, tears...
...Yet, there is also something deeper and more poignant about the radio listener who calls in for advice or the TV guest who bares her soul (the guests on my "Oprah" show were sisters-in-law going at each other tooth and nail...
...One is to study—in translation if necessary—those scrupulously sensitive rabbinic texts that pertain to the behavior of one person toward another...
...Let the honor of your fellow be as dear to you as your own," advises one well-known passage...
...How could anyone do that...
...With proper training and a belief in themselves as leaders, these young people may be able to overcome old insecurities and through their behavior toward people in their field serve as an example for others outside it...
...Thus it was that when my new book about sibling relationships came out last summer I found myself appearing as an expert on the talk show circuit, including that show of shows, "Oprah Winfrey...
...To that end, I would add two tasks to the training of these new Jewish leadKLAGSBRUN continued from page 15 ers...
...And from that they can learn much...
...It is a need that for some people in our fragmented and isolating society is so desperate and so unrequited that it can be satisfied only by exposing all feelings to the world, without pausing to censor oneself...
...Originally known as Sefer Ha-Aggadah, this landmark work, recently published by Shocken Books, is a compilation of talmudic legends and non-legal lore retold in Hebrew by the poet Chaim Nachman Bialik and his collaborator Yehoshua Hana Ravnitzky, and translated now into English for the first time...
...In part also, perhaps, because of the inherent insecurities of the Jewish community itself, the vague feeling, still, that we are not quite as good as the outside world...
...It is a need to be heard and noticed, to have one's point of view—and oneself—validated, to be recognized in some way, any way...
...Nobody has to go out of their way to be nice to you...
...In the midst of my TV travels I was reminded by a variety of passages in The Book of Legends how gready our tradition affirms our yearning for validation...
...What they really mean is that they can just take you for granted, the way family members do with each other...
...The second is to tune in sometimes to the television talk shows...
...In part because of the pressures of modern life, the overwhelming needs of the community and the lack of time and money to provide them...
...There are, I suppose, many explanations for those public displays, not least of them exhibitionism...
...those interviews, however, were private, and the subjects were always promised anonymity...
Vol. 17 • December 1992 • No. 6
