The New Shadchens
COLP, JUDITH
Bringing a couple together is as great a miracle as splitting the Bed Sea. -Talmud The New Shadchens JUDITH COLP Becoming istiadcfien (matchmaker) began with the desire for a career change for...
...She took advantage of the opportunity to advise clients about Jewish observance...
...But the fact that some—by no means all—individuals and companies in the field seem motivated by maximizing profits shows a need for oversight...
...Bernice Bromberg, who runs the Jewish Dating Service in New Bedford, Massachusetts, explains, "No one is asking for love...
...There's been a fragmentation of the family and synagogue system and the random method of meeting people doesn't work...
...Zohar From the client's perspGctiue, the amount spent and the matchmaker's claimed skill may have nothing to do with the likelihood of success...
...He sits and pairs off couples," the rabbi replied...
...It's more than a mitzvah, "said Stock...
...Unlike other tone, Hoffman wears business suits, carries a briefcase, uses a computer and sees clients in a Northwest Washington office...
...I think they are really missing the boat," Bromberg said...
...Eight lawsuits are pending against her New Jersey offices and, since February 1989, Amram has settled five other suits and two letters of complaint with refunds totaling $15,000...
...Now living in Fairlawn, New Jersey, Amram has built a matchmaking empire with offices in Fairlawn, Manhattan, Washington, D.C., and Beverly Hills, as well as London and Tel Aviv...
...It breaks my heart that I can't do it anymore," said Sidel-Kassorla, who wants to spend more time raising her children...
...By the 12th century, the shadchen had emerged as an important Jewish communal functionary in Europe whose small fees were set by rabbis and the laws of the kingdom...
...The Yiddish word shadchen summons up images of Yenta the matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof or the garrulous Hannah Mandelbaum in the film Crossing Delancey...
...The trend toward turning matchmaking into an upscale, high-tech industry disturbs more traditional shadchens, aware of their craft's origin as a pious practice done for the preservation of the Jewish people...
...It may seem easy," said the rabbi, "yet every marriage is as difficult as was parting the Red Sea...
...Helena Amram professes to have a more creative way to deal with this problem: she actively recruits men wherever she can, offering them free membership in the service...
...Matchmakers say that good looks are important—especially to male clients...
...Stock said his technique is to be rough— particularly on men...
...Instead of helping professionals find jobs, I help them find spouses...
...But Euery match is like the creation of a new world...
...You don't have to whisper," interrupted the shadchen...
...She's deaf too...
...Confessing that she had dieted coundess times without success, the woman joined the matchmaking service as an impetus for trying again...
...In today's world of matchmakers, Helena VIP embodies the kind of service that some think has strayed too far from its roots as a mitzvah to become a strictly for-profit business...
...While she wanted to help Jews marry each other, she also saw matchmaking as a lucrative business venture...
...Hoffman and Sherman are among the new wave of shadchens springing up nationwide...
...The matron told Rabbi Yose, "Your Torah is true and exalted, and you spoke truly...
...There are many able Jewish matchmakers who limit profits for the sake of performing a mitzvah...
...Although more Jewish singles may be using matchmakers—and more people are entering the business—some still find a residual social stigma attached to relying on such a service to find a mate...
...Part of it is education and the media...
...I had a problem networking so I went to a matchmaker...
...Only 2 percent of the clients are blue collar...
...God can bring a man and woman together from the opposite ends of the world...
...She has left behind a trail of dissatisfied clients...
...Robert Cohen, a 39-year-old computer analyst from Chicago who met his wife through a matchmaking service, explains the appeal: "If I have a medical problem, I go to a doctor...
...I'm a very contemporary person," stresses shadchen Alison Sherman of Mazel Dating Service in Boston, who has a master's degree in counseling from Harvard University...
...I look at my matchmaking service as an executive search firm," says Hoffman, a tall, slim, attractive 32-year-old redhead...
...The most expensive Jewish matchmaker is Helena Amram, whose Helena VIP— which operates in nine cities worldwide— charges a whopping $5,500 for most clients...
...He walked up to a woman and told her, "You'd be perfect for a friend of mine...
...Let the buyer beware...
...Take time to ask for references and find out from people who have joined what they think of the service...
...She implies that her clients are wealthy professionals and claims that only six of every ten individuals interested in her service will have the "privilege" of becoming clients...
...Most Jewish matchmakers say they will turn away a prospective client if they feel that the person can't be matched...
...ception—require AIDS testing...
...I talked to a lot of doctors who told me you can't guarantee the accuracy of the test...
...Nathan says several non-Jewish services advertise in Jewish newspapers to attract Jewish clients, a practice she wants the Jewish community to discourage by refusing to accept the advertising...
...The disbelieving matron gathered her thousand slaves together and paired them...
...She says two rabbis now mention her service in their synagogue bulletins...
...I have a mirror where I take the men and make them take off their jacket...
...Stock made his first match when he was 22 years old...
...For 25 years, Shimshon Stock, a 60-year-old salesman from Brooklyn, New York, has divided his free time between teaching Hebrew and making free matches...
...Irene Nathan believes there is another problem with services such as Stern's...
...Lincoln Square Congregation in New York also has a shadchen program...
...My job is to put normal, healthy people together...
...Today's shadchens can play as vital a role as their forebears did in perpetuating the Jewish people...
...Rather than provide a number of dates I wait for the right person to come along...
...Conversely, some shadchens report that they are seeing a new trend...
...Little can be done legally to prevent abuses...
...I'm trying to push the word: 'Caring' Jews have to care for each other because we're a small minority...
...I believe if people don't invest something they don't take it seriously...
...You can get lucky or not...
...Chicago matchmaker Irene Nathan recalls that in 1982, when she began, there was no listing in the Chicago Yellow Pages for introductory services, and her business had to be listed under escort services...
...I feel so strongly that if the Jewish community doesn't take a hard look at the problems singles face, we'll be in trouble...
...When an Orthodox Iranian immigrant walked into her husband's shut, Sidel-Kassorla sensed immediately he would be perfect for a particular woman, although she was taller and came from a different background...
...Amram has even charged $20,000 when she personally handles a case...
...He introduced them and they married...
...they try to make matches between Jews and non-Jews...
...Only winners meet with me," Amram told a crowd of 60 during an open house in her Washington office...
...so any service that makes that claim is lying...
...Men in their 40s all want 29-year-old women and we have to lie to sell those who are older," said Luchfeld...
...Several Helena VIP clients—all female— told me that they had received no introductions...
...He now gets referrals from across the United States, Israel and Europe...
...She has been married to an Israeli businessman for more than 20 years...
...her fee runs from $150 to $600 per client...
...The most important criterion is if the shadchen turns clients away when it is unlikely that a match can be made...
...Men more interested in money than in perpetuating the Jewish people were attracted to the profession, and Jewish folklore often portrayed the matchmaker as lying and conniving...
...This girl's old, she's homely, she lisps, she squints...
...I have a man's eye for a woman and can tell her what she really needs," he said...
...the two hit it off and later married...
...But today's shadchens are often professionals like their clients...
...Men have a real obsession about age...
...Women are very concerned about security, and they want someone who can support them...
...She advertises Hoffman and Associates as "a membership service for people seeking long-term relationships...
...Most of the male counterparts want younger women...
...Her reputation spread and created an avalanche of work...
...Talmud The New Shadchens JUDITH COLP Becoming istiadcfien (matchmaker) began with the desire for a career change for attorney Leora Hoffman of Chevy Chase, Maryland...
...Clients valued their privacy more than they feared AIDS...
...Some rabbis and their wiues are among the most active matchmakers...
...As a result, Heather Stern says she has started a national association of "personal relationship" experts...
...Most clients interviewed for this article requested that their names be withheld...
...New York State's attorney general filed a lawsuit in February 1990 against her operations, alleging fraud and deceptive fees in advertising...
...I scream and holler at people," he explained...
...The stigma is lessening by the year," said Heather Stern, who runs Personal Profiles in Chicago...
...Some of today's shadchens charge fees that would astound their ancestors...
...When Helena's name is mentioned, many matchmakers are dismayed by her alleged damage to the profession's reputation...
...They can be wonderful women, cream of the crop, and still these men want women in their 20s...
...Now they are ready to settle down...
...Heather Stern said that three years ago her service canvassed 1,400 singles to see if they wanted mandatory testing of clients...
...More male clients in their early 20s want to be married than women the same age...
...You can meet someone at a bar, but when you go through a third person you know their likes and dislikes and can really size them up," said Stock...
...I feel very comfortable charging my clients because I'm working for them," said Hoffman...
...In one story, a prospective bridegroom takes his shadchen aside and hisses, "You faker, you swindler...
...So if you have the slightest doubt, don't come back...
...If you wish to belieue, loue...
...The new matchmakers stress* that they are not providing dating services, but a serious search for a life partner...
...Leora Hoffman said she carefully researched whether to have AIDS testing and concluded she should not...
...Individuals should carefully check the reputations and results of shadchens they plan to consult...
...Rosenfeld said he has met some shadchens who resemble used car salesmen, demanding that potential clients decide immediately if they are interested...
...Some of them have money and genius and feel that only a young woman will do...
...It's a crap shoot," said Cohen...
...After years of ridicule, the shadchen's time of importance has come again—especially for those who are reputable and dedicated...
...Several months later, she called Nathan to tell her that, although she was not yet at her ideal size, she had lost a lot of weight...
...The next morning, many of them appeared with bruises or broken limbs...
...With 14 members nationwide, the association will only accept members if they run their offices along "ethical lines...
...Hn euen greater problem for matchmakers is the predominance of single women over age 35...
...For example, several services say that while they will accept some clients with blue-collar jobs, they stress that their service caters mostly to professionals...
...During the Crusades, the shadchen's work increased in importance as persecutions resulted in the dispersion of Jews...
...Matchmakers will give you lists of their successes, but "there's a lot of schlock matchmaking out there," according to Steven Rosenfeld, 34, an aerospace engineer from Chicago who has gone to several matchmaking services—Jewish and non-Jewish...
...Nowadays it's a given that when a young person comes to Chicago from out of town, first they join a health club, then a dating service," said Nathan...
...Amram's sales pitch convinces many she is worth her enormous fee...
...Jodi Sidel-Kassorla, a lively rebbitsin from Rockville, Maryland, had been matching observant Jews at no charge until recently...
...But discounts are available depending on sex and age—men over 40, women under 30 can get the same services for less...
...An article in The Wall Street Journal reported, perhaps with exaggeration, that her business grosses $16 million annually...
...In keeping with this professional my time and know-how as a professional that I'm selling, not a list of dates...
...During her 22 years in the matchmaking business, Amram claims to have brokered an astonishing 8,000 marriages, including 6,000 in Israel...
...Men are also shadchens...
...Her clients must first pass a handwriting analysis, psychological evaluation, medical examination and be checked out by a private investigator...
...These people who come to me already have dated," says Hoffman...
...The Orthodox Beth Jacob Congregation in Beverly Hills has a matchmaking service for observant Jews...
...They were either hesitant to endorse a business or they didn't perceive matchmaking as a priority in the community...
...Talmud According to the Talmud, God himself is a shadchen...
...Men who don't have a good job or secure income are hard to match," said Beverly Luchfeld, director of the Lincoln Square Synagogue Shadchen Service in New York...
...If I have an automobile problem, I go to a mechanic...
...Motivated by fear of AIDS—which makes them more nervous about casual dating—and hectic schedules that eliminate the luxury of time, young Jewish professionals have been increasingly turning to others to help them find a spouse...
...I appreciate that dating is hard and it's an effort to go out and meet people...
...With many Jews isolated, the shadchen became an essential figure, who helped Jewish communities survive by finding matches for young men and women...
...others protested unhappiness with the choices...
...Her company serves both Jews and non-Jews, though she claims she will not intermix them...
...Amram has sought to cultivate an aura of exclusivity, spending thousands of dollars advertising her service nationwide...
...Thirty congregants, volunteer coordinators of the program, meet periodically to sort through the files of hundreds of singles on a waiting list and arrange introductions...
...But when Bernice Bromberg of New Bedford, Massachusetts, started her Jewish Dating Service, charging only $25 for each date she arranges, she said all the rabbis she approached to find clients refused to help...
...I point out to them that they're old and balding and say, 'Look at yourself and tell me you want a pretty woman.'" Being a male in a field dominated by women helps Stock with female clients...
...She matched people by "keying into where they are coming from psychologically...
...Martin Buber...
...I can easily do the same thing with my male and female slaves in a single hour...
...Because if they don't encourage marriages, there won't be anyone left in their synagogues...
...It's options like singles' religious services or dances, matchmaking services can be a cosdy investment with a strong risk of failure...
...They want partners with a sense of humor, and a good job who will treat them well...
...They were both^cut from the same stuff and when I looked into his eyes I saw her," said Sidel-Kassorla...
...As Jewish communities became more stable in the 16th century, the profession lost its honorable reputation...
...Despite widespread fear of AIDS, few matchmakers—Helena Amram is an exWhat Matchmakers Promise and Charge Irene Nathan had this success story: When an obese woman approached her, Nathan frankly told the woman she would have trouble matching her and advised that she use the money to lose weight instead...
...Although some states have laws regulating matchmaking—New York, for example, prohibits charging more than $250 for a social referral service—the matchmaking industry is self-regulating...
...Genesis Rabbah recounts how a Roman matron asked Rabbi Yose ben Chalafta, "How does God spend his time since creating the world...
...But it also has to do with increased mobility and the disintegration of the old ways of introducing people...
...An elegant sabra with jet black hair and huge made-up green eyes, Amram ran a matchmaking service in Israel before emigrating to the United States over a decade ago...
...To reward her efforts, Nathan called 14 men to see if one would give her a date...
...Amram is the shadchen who has most successfully exploited the business possibilities in matchmaking...
...others said they were set up with men who were totally inappropriate...
...One agreed...
...She introduced the couple and today they are married and have two children...
...The response was overwhelmingly negative...
...I try to meet the needs of the contemporary Jewish person...
...Only high-minded rabbis and scholars were chosen to become shadchens...
...Communal institutions offer some of these services...
...The attorney general's press representative, Leslie Gersing, said the lawsuit is on behalf of at least 50 clients...
Vol. 15 • June 1990 • No. 3
