Raising a Jewish Child in a Non-Jewish World
PRAGER, DENNIS
Raising a Jewish Child in a— Non-Jewish World DENNIS PRAGER It was easier to raise a Jewish child in the anti-Semitic and impoverished world of the shtetl than it is in America today. For those...
...But if even that is too much, ask yourself why...
...Another argument frequently offered against increased observance in the home is that unless the parent truly believes in it, doing something Jewish for the sake of a child is hypocritical...
...At least they know, "We don't believe in Jesus...
...First, parents need to be scrupulously honest with themselves about their priorities...
...This leads to a simple rule: The more Judaism, i.e., the more distinctively Jewish practices, the better...
...We should not delude ourselves, however, into thinking that this identity was freely chosen...
...When the non-Jewish majority is strongly Christian or Moslem, a Jew who takes on the majority culture's identity assumes the identity of another religion...
...To which he now responds, ' 'Why did you listen to me...
...But what if that were to happen...
...Parents who are contemplating increased Judaism in the home express another fear— that the child will rebel against the parents and against Judaism...
...And among parents who fear their child will become "too Jewish," I have never met one who was afraid their child might become too secular—something that ought to be even more frightening, especially because it is far more likely...
...If my child wants to be religious, she will decide on her own later in life...
...His parents respond that whatever instrument they suggested, he always said he didn't want to play a musical instrument...
...If there is anything children need, it is something to rebel against...
...Moreover, being in school with many other Jewish students is worse than irrelevant to a child's Jewish identity...
...The more distinctive, the greater the chance of one's child's remaining Jewish...
...In my parents' home, my father, my brother and I wore a kippah, at home but not outside...
...While the modern secular world is considerably less dangerous to Jewish bodies, it is considerably more dangerous to Jewish survival...
...Feeling Jewish without acting Jewish is like feeling ethical without acting ethically...
...Thus, the first thing an American Jewish parent who wants his or her child to be Jewish needs to realize is that an open, secular society—with all its advantages—poses a far greater challenge to raising a Jewish child than does a Christian America...
...The stronger the home, the stronger the base from which to launch a life...
...it deludes many Jewish parents into thinking that proximity to other Jews will keep their child Jewish...
...we lose them to everything else...
...today, it has to compete with cheerleading practice...
...It is the secular Jewish home, not the religious Jewish home, that truly deprives its children of choice...
...Most Americans—or at least most of those Americans with whom Jews tend to relate—have abandoned Christianity...
...These parental fears need to be addressed...
...Lighting Shabbat candles is one of the more widespread Jewish practices, but it renders the home distinctively Jewish for only a few moments a week...
...So repeat the question this way: "Do you believe that I want you to be a committed Jew as much as I want you to be a good student and get into a good college...
...The child will associate the tepid, vapid religious observance of his or her upbringing with Judaism, and conclude that it is meaningless...
...If that is too much, how about at mealtimes on Shabbat...
...But the prospect of Jewish observance arouses fear (and often loathing) in many Jewish parents...
...There is a way to find out how well we communicate our priorities...
...And it usually loses...
...The deeds count, not the feelings...
...Well, let me tell you something...
...I strongly urge concerned parents to speak to parents whose children have become observant, and to parents whose children have dropped whatever observance they were raised with...
...Ironic as it may seem, if most American children were living among Christians, keeping them Jewish would be much easier...
...The stronger the dock, the stronger the launch...
...Therefore children who experience only the secular life—at home, in school, in film, on television, with their peers— will end up secularists...
...the less distinctive, the greater the chance of assimilation...
...Our children are growing up in a world that is as non-Jewish as the medieval Christian world was...
...I assume that most parents occasionally use foul language...
...It is backwards...
...Parents must ask themselves how their home differs from non-Jewish homes on Wednesday, not just on Friday nights or some Jewish holidays...
...Parents do not fear that their child will be too brilliant, or too attractive, or too successful...
...Now, do you expect me to say to my daughter, 'Stay home on Friday nights and don't be a cheerleader?' " There was a time when Judaism had to compete with Christianity...
...Parents must ask themselves if there is any time when the secular is sacrificed for the Jewish...
...It does not suffice to feel Jewish...
...The only way to give children a choice is to give them the experience of Judaism when they are young...
...A high school or college year in Israel might be able to compensate for much of the Jewish deprivation in a young Jew's life...
...I have also found banning television on Shabbat to be one of the most effective antidotes to the worship of the many gods of secular civilization, so many of whom coalesce around television—most particularly materialism and sports...
...Ask your child: "Sean (Heather), which of these do you think I most want you to be...
...Will your child ever have to say no to a party, to band or soccer practice for the sake of something Jewish...
...In fact, the Hebrew word for holy, kadosh, means distinctive...
...Not long ago, a Jewish mother came up to me after a lecture and said: "You keep telling us to stay home on Friday nights, to celebrate Shabbat with our families...
...If we are not distinctive, if our values are not distinctive, we have no reason to survive...
...By giving a child only minimal exposure to Judaism, Jewish parents ensure an irreligious adult, devoid of meaningful Jewish identity...
...What does it mean when a parent fears a child may become "too Jewish...
...Keeping Jewish children Jewish without Jewish religious practices is virtually impossible outside of Israel...
...May God spare us from a world in which parents act in the presence of children in all the ways they act among themselves...
...But most Jews do believe in secularism...
...That is the power of Jewish rituals...
...Its impact is incalculable...
...Only Jews who have constructed modern shietls—Jewish areas deliberately cut off from non-Jewish and non-Orthodox Jewish influences—can be confident that their children will remain Jewish...
...Rebellion is like the dock from which a ship pushes off...
...Consequently, Jews have felt increasingly less different from the majority of Americans...
...Find out which group is more pleased with the result...
...But in a secular society, most Jews, especially children, do not have a chiefs to how they differ...
...There's something absurd about parents of a Jewishly uncommitted child worrying about the child's becoming alienated from something he or she is already alienated from...
...I won't ram it down her throat...
...Parents who begin to incorporate Jewish practices into their homes for the sake of their children often end up loving the practices for their own sake...
...He or she merely becomes secular— and being secular is not perceived by most Jews as posing as great a danger to Jewish identity, or as having values as alien to Judaism, as does another religion...
...This thinking is worse than unwise...
...Many Jewish parents fear too much observance lest the child become "too Jewish...
...When a parent who usually fails to fasten his or her own seat belt does fasten it when traveling with a child, is the parent hypocritical...
...Unlike previous generations of American Jews, most American Jewish children today are not growing up in a Christian society...
...Jews living in a religious society are far more likely to retain their Jewish identity than Jews living in a secular society...
...Jewish day schools and Jewish camps (that is, Reform, Conservative and Orthodox camps, not secular camps for Jews) are incomparable for giving a Jewish child an all-day experience of Jewish identity...
...For those of us who live in the modern world and still want our children to have strong Jewish identities, raising a Jewish child is a daily battle...
...Probably that the child will be more observant than the parent (or simply observant at all...
...But it is not Christianity that challenges our children's Jewish identity...
...Jews should be able to say, "We don't believe in secularism...
...With the birth of my son, I resumed this practice...
...Only then will they really have a choice...
...Third, you can't alienate the alienated...
...If your child answers, ' 'They are all equally important to you," the child may merely be saying what he or she thinks you would want to hear...
...Have you chosen to visit Israel rather than Europe, Hawaii, or another destination in order to further your child's links with Israel...
...Beginning to observe Jewish practices for the sake of one's children is not only not hypocritical...
...Even Jews who know little or nothing about Judaism know that Judaism differs from Christianity...
...Second, since the kids are going to resent the parents anyway, the parents might as well do the right thing...
...it is beneficial to the children...
...If you are truly brave, ask your child which of these values are most important to him or her...
...Parents need to stand for ideals—Jewish and otherwise...
...Parents who want their children to remain Jewish need to create a home that is Jewishly distinctive...
...It doesn't count...
...Today, we do not lose our children to Christianity...
...If you have playoff tickets for Friday night or Rosh Hashana, will you give them up...
...And, of course, the more time spent in Israel, the better...
...If your child answers, "The most important thing to you is that I be a committed Jew," you have been successful at communicating how important Judaism is to you...
...Here are three responses: First, so what...
...I have found the kippah iyarmulke) to be extraordinarily effective in this regard...
...Then, if the children rebel, they will at least have something to return to after the rebellion...
...If your child attends public school or a private secular school, your child is as immersed in a way of life as far from Judaism as if he or she were being educated in a monastery...
...It is secularism...
...A friend of mine is still a bit angry with his parents for never having given him music lessons...
...For those uncomfortable wearing it all the time in the home, how about wearing it at mealtimes...
...Judaism is a very physical religion...
...Of course, you might argue that you want your child to be all of these things equally...
...Thus, in a Christian society, even Jewish children entirely ignorant of Judaism are aware that they are different...
...It can also positively transform the parent...
...Raising a child to be Jewish demands sacrifice and clear thinking...
...Knowing that one is different is the key to the survival of any minority...
...Finally, some parents say they object to establishing a more religious home because a Jewish home would deprive the child of a choice...
...Cheerleading practice happens to be on Friday nights...
...Being Jewish means being different...
...How can they choose what they never see...
...The moment the kippah goes on, the house takes on an aura of holiness and Jewish distinctiveness...
...But when, as in America today, the majority culture is largely secular, a Jew need not take on another religious identity in order to identify with the majority culture...
...This is the only fear Jewish parents have about what is positive in their child's life...
...Why is that so frightening...
...Very well then, do you actually accord each goal equal time and effort...
...To be Jewish is to do...
...In order of preference, which do you want your child to be—brilliant, successful, happy, Jewish, popular...
...My daughter is a junior in high school and after two years of trying out for the cheerleaders, she finally made it...
...Are they hypocritical for not using such language in the presence of children...
...It is often said that the difficulty in raising a Jewish child is that we live in a Christian society...
Vol. 13 • November 1988 • No. 8
