Checking Out the Singles Scene at Shul

Checking Out the Singles Scene at Shul We had heard about the singles event and wondered whether we would like it, whether we would meet friendly people and maybe later have a laugh together with a...

...My mood soured...
...Singles night worked well for Julie but is that fair...
...I guess she was the opposite of me—I was trying to act calm and assured, even though 1 felt pretty nervous She moved closer to me and I introduced myself...
...The other fellow and I talked in spurts, but we avoided speaking about what was going on around us...
...It was even sort of anonymous, sitting in our seats and being led by the rabbi...
...I didn't want this to be too touchy-feely...
...She said I was the first person to talk to her and I asked her why she continued on next page continued from previous page had come...
...I wondered if it was better in the old days, tike in Fiddler on the Roof, when marriages were arranged and you didnt have to put yourself on the line as much...
...Why had I been asked to come along—to make her look better...
...The rabbi beckoned to us to sit closer together...
...Bingo...
...I wondered, as people filled the room...
...An angry comment to pick someone up with, I thought Maybe he was trying to dissociate himself from the need that motivated all of us to attend...
...I waved, silently mouthed "Good luck," but didn't interrupt When I went to say goodbye to Julie she acted glad to see me and invited me to go out to a local place with a man she had met He had a friend who was going to come along too...
...I saw Rachel, and walked over to her...
...we were on the outside...
...Once here, we feel like third-time failures if we don't fail in love, or at least get a date...
...It was no different from the little comments my parents make to me all the time, like, "Don't you have a date tonight...
...I was annoyed by this 'looksism'— everyone checked out everyone else and measured worth by body, face and clothes...
...Rachel: Downstairs, the auditorium was filling up...
...The average age of the congregation was around the mid-thirties Some were obviously with their friends, as I was, but many seemed to be sitting by themselves...
...I decided to loosen up and just let whatever was going to happen, happen...
...So did I. Rachel: I looked at the people who came...
...she asked me...
...Rachel nudged me and said, "Go talk to her...
...The synagogue seemed bare because people sat so far away from one another, dotting the room...
...Don't worry," a round-faced man in his late thirties reassured me as I mournfully looked into the inner circle, "You'll get one...
...But I wasn't the only one...
...Stick with it" He told me he had come because he felt like he ought to 'get going after a long period of romantic hibernation...
...We stood together and looked around...
...Rachel: People circled one another nervously...
...We two friends went to a Friday night singles service at a local synagogue in Washington, D.C...
...I watched to see how people greeted one another but I didn't get the impression that it was a group of 'regulars,' people who came every month to the singles service Suddenly, I was glad I knew Rachel, even though she was on the other side of the room...
...I found it interesting that there were far more women sitting alone than men, but there were more men in attendance...
...The synagogue was getting ready to close up for the night David decided to go home, after we agreed to try a more intimate kind of singles event next week, maybe a hiking trip...
...In front, a singer strummed a guitar...
...I realized it was working for some people, even if it wasn't working for me...
...It wasn't anything that anyone was saying or doing to me, but there was pressure from inside me, to meet someone, to be popular, to be desired...
...At first I sang along only softly, but the Kabbalat Shabbat liturgy has a way of creating its own ruach no matter what the setting I wasn't shy about singing...
...Rachel: A woman was standing by herself near the punch and cookies table when I went to get myself something to drink...
...He smiled back and they conversed in a whisper for a while...
...I have never been one to strike up a conversation with people I don't know, especially strange women...
...Checking Out the Singles Scene at Shul We had heard about the singles event and wondered whether we would like it, whether we would meet friendly people and maybe later have a laugh together with a new friend about how we had met atsingles nightafshul...
...I turned to see whom he was addressing and recognized Julie, an old high school acquaintance...
...I obviously surprised her and noticed her embarrasment at having been seen by me at a singles night I was surprised that she was alone, since I knew she had a boyfriend...
...So I agreed to join Julie...
...Why...
...After a while he leaned forward and whispered something to one of the two women in front of him...
...She flirted with both of them, as she always does, and they flirted with her (as they always do—she's so outgoing...
...I realized this was not the place for shy men...
...I asked David if he thought he, as a man, had the responsibility of making the first advance...
...I needed to maintain a veneer of aloofness—at least at the beginning—because I was feeling uncertain...
...Would that have broken down barriers that held many of us back...
...Maybe it won't be too excruciating" David said hopefully...
...Finally, he went back to his prayer book, and she to hers, so I returned to mine...
...Who knows...
...Next to me was a woman who I had noticed sitting by herself during the service, and I started talking to her...
...I rolled my eyes and nodded sympathetically...
...The crowd was separated into two concentric circles...
...DavicL Alone again, so I walked toward the food...
...Most people drifted around the room on their own, but some groups were starting to form in the middle of the room...
...Absolutely not" I said, "I'd make myself into an absolute ass...
...I just want to browse around" my acquaintance called to me as he moved off behind them...
...Her father had read an announcement about it in the newspaper, she told me, and strongly suggested she go to meet someone...
...I was taken aback by the macho comment and couldn't think up a suitable response quickly enough...
...She tried to persuade us to hold hands with the people beside us I thought it was a forced gesture so I didn't do it When 1 didn't see anyone else holding hands my mood perked up a little...
...Prayer being both a solitary and communal activity, I thought that I would feel comfortable sitting alone if I came by myself another time...
...Later, I realized Julie always does this and I always let her...
...The pretty people were getting together, and the rest of us hovered around on the outskirts...
...Having a husband, children and a home is supposed to be fulfillment So we feel like failures because we haven't achieved it We come to the singles event to meet a potential mate...
...He had already turned away from me to talk with some women standing beside us...
...Was she going to come over to me and make the first move...
...Rachel: "So what the hell are you doing here anyway...
...David: A beautiful woman stood nearby...
...She'd had one boyfriend after another ever since junior high school...
...We wondered why we needed to be told...
...She's got nice legs, doesn't she...
...Later, he leaned over to show her something on the page and soon he had moved forward to sit beside her...
...Here I was, sitting in services for the first time all year: I never go to synagogue, and tonight I had come to pray in order to meet somebody," I wondered if she usually prayed at home to meet somebody...
...Like any group of fatigued professionals, the crowd ignored her...
...Perhaps the fact that he was an electrician and I know nothing about that gave us little to chat about Though we never got around to exchanging names, we stood in silence, staring out into the middle of the room observing the other singles in action...
...The suggestion seemed sexist—the women standing and waiting for the men to come over and talk to them...
...She gave me a big, over-eager smila She was giving everyone that smile, and I suddenly worried that no one would talk to her...
...Better to stand with a friend for a while and get my bearings, I decided...
...I felt young and out of place at one moment but then excitement would take hold...
...We may even make some new friends...
...It struck me as ridiculous," she said...
...I noticed a man sitting by himself in the fifth row...
...I sat a polite distance from the few dozen backs spread thin over the long row of seats...
...Being on the outside at least gave us prime access to the dainty foods presented on the long banquet tables...
...David: I was surprised that I felt so disappointed...
...After all, David reminded me, if I didn't like sexist roles I could just change my own actions...
...We nibbled and stared...
...I thought As the notion formed, two or three women walked by us, heading for the punch...
...I didn't feel comfortable going up to a man, but maybe I was restraining myself...
...David: Singles night began in a cavernous prayer auditorium...
...the stuff was non-alcoholic The social hall was emptying out fast It was even more evident that the group had divided into couples on the inside and singles on the outside of the room...
...My eye was on the punch but I sipped in vain...
...David: It was a small gathering A few men sitting in the aisle seats boldly tapped their shiny black business shoes to the pleasant guitar accompaniment provided by the singer...
...David For the first time that evening I felt a tingling of excitement—a whole room full of people out to meet each other...
...but because I, who value compassion above all, was unable to reach out to anyone the entire evening I was so caught up in my own insecurities that I couldn't give support or even a friendly word to anyone else...
...I felt it would be impossible to get to know anyone in the room...
...Julie and I sat at the bar with these men for an hour...
...I was left standing alone with a half-eaten cookie in my hand and I felt a moment of panic at the isolation...
...David came over and I had a rush of good feeling for him, my old friend...
...David: Finally, we finished off the service and filed into the hall downstairs...
...How was I going to meet someone of the opposite sex...
...I also realized that I was disappointed that no one was trying very hard to meet me...
...Later, I asked Rachel and she said it was probably because family is the most important thing in Judaism, especially for women...
...The next day I talked it over with Rachel...
...a young man asked a woman next to me...
...But then we feel like failures again because we have to meet people in such a forced setting...
...Didn't they seem private, considering that we had all just met...
...He was looking around, not paying much attention to the service (but neither was I...
...Normally I don't have a problem talking to men but when the situation was set up so artificially I was inhibited...
...It's one thing to speculate, quite another to work up the courage to attend...
...Do they think I like the state of my social life...
...Ifs just another Shabbat service, no need to get worked up about it," Rachel said...
...Rachel: I am looking for a relationship, but I want to meet someone who will also be my friend...
...As we looked for seats, the rabbi greeted the congregants with welcoming words, exuding warmth and enthusiasm...
...Out of the corner of my eye I saw an "inner-ring" couple in full swoon...
...I saw how couples were forming and noticed a hierarchy of good looks...
...I could see her face, and she looked pleased...
...I looked over at one of the women I'd spoken with, to say goodbye, and I saw her chatting happily with a bearded man...
...Not because I hadn't come away with a pocket full of women's phone numbers...
...I lost track of the service, so engrossed was I in the drama...
...David: "Why do we all feel this compulsion to be coupled with someone...
...I suddenly felt like leaving, like bolting out of there...
...The first person I spoke with happened to be, like me, male...
...She already had a boyfriend...
...he remarked suddenly, pointing to a young woman in a short skirt on the other side of the room...
...As I stood there watching singles night I couldn't figure out how that would happen there...
...David said he thought some women were making the first move...
...Rachel: We arrived a tittle late and from the back of the sanctuary I surveyed the layout Like schoolchildren, most people avoided sitting in the front rows...
...They spent the rest of the service talking, and afterwards I saw them leave together, arm in arm...
...Before our eyes a small number of couples formed...
...Apparently he asked for the correct page number, because she pointed to her own page and smiled at him...
...But once you get to know me, I'm not that shy...
...Didn't they seem possessive, an out-crowd transformed into an m-crowd...
...I couldn't really concentrate on the service as much as I usually do because I was excited about the next part, the Oneg Shabbat Rachel: I wanted to find, if not love, at least community, but as I sat in the synagogue, half listening to the singer, I was beginning to feel self-conscious It had taken me ages to decide what to wear...
...She, petite and dark-featured, looked up at him, tall and slim...
...Because she's very beautiful" I explained...
...We wondered what would have happened if the rabbi hadn't tried the touchy-feely approach but instead had urged us to come out of our self-fixations, to identify with another's loneliness, to reach out with compassion and be kind to one another...
...I stopped myself from going to get my coat The night was young and I didn't know if I would overcome my fears to do this another time if I left before it really began...

Vol. 13 • October 1988 • No. 7


 
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