The Quiet Corner
October 7, 1925 THE COMMONWEAL 543 THE QUIET CORNER / counsel thee, shut not thy heart nor thy library.—C. Lamb. "Really, Criticus, this is too much!" exclaimed Dr. Angelicus, sorting a...
...I acquired the habit early in life and have never shaken it off...
...Is there no privacy to be left in this world, that demands the publicity of our income tax, and questions us about our love affairs, and what stockings and underwear we use...
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...For instance, whether I took my cold ham and ginger-beer before or after midnight—whether I smoked my last pipeful among the pillows—whether my tub was of cold or lukewarm water—whether I puffed several cigarettes while dressing and shaving—what sort of razor do I use—or soap, or cream or shaving powder—do I change my pyjamas and underclothing daily—do I take my breakfast from my black boy, Abdias, in bed, or standing up like old Edward Fitzgerald...
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...Hereticus, don't you...
...Hereticus took up the letter from the Mellon Institute and read the questionnaire:— "Doctor, is your usual breakfast light, moderate or heavy...
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...Mellon of the Institute—" "You mean the breakfast-food man, Mr...
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...Ah, that brings up another questionnaire—What do we take for luncheon beside petits-fours and raspberry ice...
...I should answer at present, under the protest I make at this unveiling of my breakfast sanctum, that I am, in politics as well as gustatory pursuits, a moderate breakfaster...
...For bulletins address: Secretary, Box 75, Saint Mary-of-the-Woods, Indiana the deliberate turn of the rack in this inquisition—fruit, of course, but rarely berries, bananas or such Sunday-night preserves as bespeak vulgar appetites—cereals on cold mornings, with a sort of reverential mother-feeling recalling nursery days, pushers and the railed-in trays of childhood's untrammeled day-breaks—eggs, I prefer them au beurre, although an inveterate longing for hard-boiled duck eggs sometimes comes over me when the snow lies heavy on the landscape— potatoes, I confess to a certain hankering after them—meat, I confess to a mortal weakness for crisped porkchops and oldfashioned sausages black and dry on the plate—hot cakes, yes, when there is plenty of butter, fresh butter with some salt newly pressed through it—milk, why of course, is it not nature's food...
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...There have been years during the hunting season when a juicy beefsteak and potatoes preceded the large piece of apple pie, which, accompanied by hot rolls, gave me an exquisite satisfaction I have not forgotten...
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...The Mellon Institute of Industrial Research'—mark that magnificent title—'of the University of Pittsburgh,' mind you, wants to know what kind of breakfast I eat, implying as a sort of apology that the 'opinions and habits of notably successful men have always profoundly influenced the average man.' I, who have never stuck out my chin for the professional photographers of political candidates and bank directors, I, whose acquaintance with beauty parlors and manicures is of the most limited nature— I, even I, the patient, complacent, sceptical hermit of the Bronx, cannot escape these institutional search-lighters who would know what I eat for my breakfast, and why I eat, and how...
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...Here I am, a man retired from the vulgar world, living out my life in study and Platonic contemplation, pursued by such a missive into my most sacred retreat, my breakfast room...
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...No, Doctor, but there seems at times a change in your literary opinions before and after luncheon—those poems, for instance, The Obsolete Sonnets, which you disliked so much at eleven o'clock on Monday morning and declared to be masterpieces when you reentered the office at three in the afternoon...
...There may also be apple sauce, grapefruit or orange juice—my maiden aunt sometimes joins me for breakfast...
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...You are a Torquemada, my dear Criticus—my literary standards are never undermined by my gastric juices, mind you that, sir...
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...Rolls, toast or bread—I am embarrassed to say which I prefer, only I cannot eat those sugared buns that sometimes steal into the bun-roll—I love Denmark, but they import too much of its pastry...
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...Criticus interrupted to say—"They omit to ask you when you breakfast, Doctor"— "Not realizing," went on Angelicus, "that there are several other questions—a priori—to be settled before a judgment is to be made upon me...
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...Mellon of the Institute wishes to know of your health, your habits and how you are feeling after them—" "Oh," said the Doctor, lapsing into the pile of snowy missives from the poets that Miss Anonymoncule handed to him, "please thank him from me and say I am feeling very well these latter days...
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...How should I know, Hereticus...
...I have my permitted two cups of strong coffee, three lumps of sugar—mind you, Hereticus, not those lumps swathed up in paper that destroy your appetite while you unfold them—but granulated grains, lumps, squares of good North American saccharine, reinforced by cream, mind you,—cream, even if it be condensed or evaporated, mind you, Hereticus, but cream, and plenty of it...
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...Hereticus insisted on being heard—"Doctor, these questions excite you...
...Angelicus, sorting a letter from his mail heap...
...I preserve my reverence for the scholastic genres of literature with all the fervor, even with a better appetite than that of the famous M. Brunetiere...
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...Hereticus took up the letter again—"Doctor, they wish to know whether you take for your breakfast, fruit, cereal, eggs, potatoes, meat, hot cakes, milk, rolls, toast or bread, and they ask are you governed primarily by their appeal to your taste or do you seek from them merely a nourishment or a contribution to your health...
...The questionnaire," interrupted Primus Criticus, "is concerned primarily with your state of mind as a resultant of this breakfast dietary"— "I think you have rarely found me an unsmiling character before the luncheon hour, have you, Criticus...
...THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE FOUNDATION 119 East 57th Street, New York ACADEMY OF OUR LADY 96th and Throop Streets, LONGWOOD, CHICAGO, ILL...
Vol. 2 • October 1925 • No. 22