The Imperfect Club Meeting
Walker, Helen
September 2, 1925 THE COMMONWEAL 393 THE IMPERFECT CLUB MEETING By HELEN WALKER (At the Meadowdale Ladies' Culture Club.) The President:—Ladies, the meeting is called to order. Before we...
...Hyacinth (intensely) :—We should go to the root of the matter...
...Do you think that they would be at all interested in the Universal Peace Association of which I have the honor to be sergeant-at-arms ? Mr...
...On reflection, however, I think the younger the women, the better...
...Anton Polarpet...
...She breaks down...
...Hyacinth:—Tony, you can no longer sift her ashes...
...I'd love to try it...
...The President (in the manner in which she would address the afternoon lecturer) :—How do you do, Tony...
...They're in a blue jar on her husband's bureau...
...Hyacinth to a chair and gives her a glass of water...
...Mrs...
...Hyacinth {bravely) :—You say these natives have a fine sense of color...
...Mrs...
...Mrs...
...A piece of snubbery—I mean, shrubbery, whose appearance is so alien to that of dear Mrs...
...Very well...
...Brush, whose recent untimely death caused us such grief...
...proudly) Oh, he chop him up an' make ver' fine scooter out of him...
...Mr...
...We are all anxious to learn what has become of the pine tree we planted in the south corner of the garden last week—the Mrs...
...Polarpet {at the conclusion of his lecture) :— If there are any questions, I shall be delighted to answer them to the best of my ability...
...So I pull him up...
...Tony, don't you remember Mrs...
...The President (trying to pour oil) :—If Tony is outside now, perhaps he might be brought in...
...Ladies, the pine was more like our friend than we knew...
...Polarpet:—Oh, their noses, arms, toes and legs...
...He ver' hardy...
...No doubt he can explain...
...Brush, do you, Mrs...
...Tony, that is a picture of dear Mrs...
...Tony:—Sure, I remember Mrs...
...Polarpet's famous travels...
...The President:—Is there any more business to bring before the club...
...I sifta her ashes every day in winter...
...Nuage, to explain the unhappy circumstance...
...Mrs...
...Miss Chatterton (aside to her neighbor) :—He can if he wants to...
...Oh, yes—I thought I recognized your hat...
...Mrs...
...Miss Chatterton {whispering to her neighbor) :— Let's go out and see if Angelo will lend us the scooter...
...He makes sweeping gesture...
...He have too much water...
...she have hot-air furnace...
...Hyacinth (tearfully) :—But Tony—that's just it...
...Will grow fine...
...We have today, ladies, a rare treat —may I say an intellectualized—I mean, an intellectual, treat...
...The President:—There, there, Mrs...
...He die...
...stretching out his arms...
...Polarpet:—I should say that they are indifferent...
...Mrs...
...He is, in fact, a sort of Baron Miinchhausen—or no—he was the one who told stories, wasn't he ?—I mean a sort of Casanova—no, no, a sort of—well, Columbus...
...Wheels an' everything...
...The President:—Mrs...
...He die...
...He no good...
...Tony:—Who...
...Chase-Lyon, will you introduce the guest of honor ? Mrs...
...Hyacinth...
...Acton:—You say they have a splendid sense of civic duty...
...Tony (excitedly, but not understanding all) :— That just it...
...Mrs...
...I had not noticed that the hat —or rather, the pine—was gone...
...Polarpet:—As their chief source of income is war, I should think not...
...Before the meeting today, on going to the point in the club grounds where the tree was planted, to commune silently with our dear friend, I found to my horror that the tall, slender pine had been removed, and a small, hideous, little scrubby bush placed in its stead...
...That is, Mr...
...Chase-Lyon, our traveling sales—I should say, our traveling chairman—that is, our chairman on travel, has been able to provide for us what I am sure will be a most stimulating lecture, by a most distinguished voyageur—of whom you have all read and heard so much—the notorious, or rather, the famous, Mr...
...But I shall speak to Tony about it...
...Mrs...
...She—she—(She breaks into sobs...
...Mrs...
...Nuage flutters out and presently returns, followed by Tony, who shambles in, grinning and very much embarrassed...
...Ladies, will someone move that the shrub be replaced at once by a new, slender pine, which we shall, in turn, with appropriate ceremonies, dedicate to the memory of our late member...
...Mrs...
...Hyacinth (going to Tony and leading him dramatically to the mantel-piece) :—Tony, do you see that photograph of the lovely, tall, slim lady...
...Chase-Lyon:—I should like to ask a question...
...May I call upon the chairman of the garden committee to explain this extraordinary circumstance...
...Brush pine, you remember...
...Brush did not spread...
...Not 'nuff sun...
...Polarpet...
...The motion is made and carried...
...It is outrageous that the beautiful, poetical thought behind our act—the commemorating in something living and green, of our dear, departed member—something that we should have with us always—a beautiful pine, whose very slenderness and willowyness symbolized our friend—should be destroyed by the substitution of a piece of scrubby shrubbery...
...Will spread like 'dis...
...Brush...
...Hyacinth:—You pulled it up ? What did you do with it...
...Mrs...
...Mrs...
...Nuage (rising, and somewhat embarrassed) : —Really, I can't say...
...That beautiful pine is now a scooter for Angelo—the pine which, so to speak, we watered with our tears...
...Tony:—Yes, not 'nuff pep in him...
...Angelo...
...She has left us, Tony...
...Brush as she went (her voice breaks) gently to and fro among us...
...You say these savages have peculiar tastes, unlike ours...
...Er—what type of woman do they prefer ? Mr...
...I dare say there is no part of the world that he has not seen—that is, not much...
...Hyacinth (rising) :—There is a serious matter that I wish to bring before the club...
...What do they paint ? Mr...
...I call upon you, Mrs...
...Hyacinth...
...Tony, you may go now...
...You do not wish to dishonor Mrs...
...Then we can proceed with the program...
...Polarpet of course is white—but he is the only one...
...Hyacinth (insistently) :—But we should know at once, so that we may make loving restitution to the memory of our friend...
...Nuage, are you present...
...Before we proceed with the pogrom—I mean, program—of the afternoon, are there any matters to bring before the club...
...Would you be so kind as to tell us...
...He go ver' fast...
...Brush...
...They are not fastidious about complexion, and I really think it does not matter to them whether a woman is intellectual or frivolous...
...Tony (sympathetically) :—Don't cry, Mrs...
...Nuage:—I really did not know that the pine had disappeared...
...Tony:—Oh, thata leetle pine...
...He has, as you know, penetrated into dark regions of primeval country, which no white man has ever seen...
...Ladies, Mr...
...A tense silence follows, and an uneasy stirring...
...Brush...
...Chase-Lyon:—Ladies, I am sure you are familiar with the inspiring accounts published recently in the press of Mr...
...It is—it is—almost sacrilege...
...Nuage, can you tell us what has happened to the pine...
...Hyacinth (overcome) :—Madame President, it is unbelievable...
...Its roses were such a bright spot at last year's—I mean, last week's—meeting...
...Someone leads Mrs...
...You see, they are cannibals...
...Mr...
...Brush, in whose memory we planted the tree you have so ruthlessly destroyed —made into a scooter...
...That why he die...
...The meeting adjourns...
...Mrs...
...He has traveled east of the moon and west of the sun, so to speak...
...Ladies, you all recall that at my suggestion, with appropriate ceremonies which were extremely touching to all of us, at least to me, we planted a few weeks ago, a slender pine tree.' This we did in memory of our late and dear member, Mrs...
...It should not spread...
...Mrs...
...Mrs...
...Whizz...
...Hyacinth (emotionally) :—Just like our dear friend—too delicate and spiritual to live in this harsh world...
...Polarpet rises, a trifle pale, and delivers his lecture...
...Nuage...
...Tony:—I give him to my leetle boy, Angelo...
...I plant ver' fine shrub in place of Mrs...
...Mrs...
...Hyacinth (tensely) :—And what did he do with it, Tony...
Vol. 2 • September 1925 • No. 17
