The Bootblack Stand
Plunkitt, George Washington
by George Washington Plunkitt Bootblack Stand Dear Dr. Plunkitt: Golly, I think all this criticism of the CIA can only hurt the best interests of the United States, and gosh wouldn't it be...
...So now I am intent on running for Congress...
...They laughed at me when I said bedtime prayers and would not even allow me to renew my membership in the Young Americans for Freedom...
...It sounds like an excellent idea...
...Truth to tell, your letter reveals you as a bit of a jerk, but you are vastly more sound than, say, Congressman Michael Harrington or Senator Lowell Weicker, he of the lugubrious visage...
...You are far too mature to fall in with such goof-offs as are numbered in the legislative branch of this Staggering republic...
...How can I get free...
...It has been years...
...What awful people...
...They dragged me around the country and treated me awful...
...I took this as an omen, and after attending a movie about the bigpharmaceutical companies' campaign against herbal medicines I decided to become a public servant...
...Mummy and Daddy worry too...
...Some--of those girls would go for days without a change of linen, and their language...
...Do not run for Congress...
...It was a beautiful experience, but as I drove home I discovered that my Persian cat, Rebel, had either transformed herself into pavement sealer in front of our house or had been run over by an unusually behemoth steam roller...
...Incidentally, thanks for sending me that literature about Honor America Day...
...Stay away from such disreputables and attend to your good causes...
...Sincerely, Just Chuck Oswego, New York Dear Chuck: I can give you the best advice...
...Plunkitt: Golly, I think all this criticism of the CIA can only hurt the best interests of the United States, and gosh wouldn't it be awful if the Russians unleashed nuclear holocaust right in the middle of our Bicentennial...
...GWP Dear Dr...
...Plunkitt: I had my first homosexual experience after attending a movie all about Chile with other concerned citizens...
...What kind of advice can you give me...
...All I want to do isget out and attend a Camp Fire Girls meeting...
...It was a very deep moment for me...
...Love it or leave it, Patricia Hearst Dear Patricia: I still see no reason why you did not plead insanity...
...The food was full of preservatives, and they forced me to listen while they read hideous passages from Jaws...
...Admittedly, you are no genius...
...For the last two years I have been victimized by pinkos and dope freaks...
...All those months at Berkeley with associates like that jackass Weed are irrefutable evidence...
...GWP 34 The Alternative: An American Spectator May 1976...
...I want to be the candidate of simple, concerned, decent, educated, oppressed people...
...boy, my ears still burn...
...America must be kept strong and free if it is going to remain the hope of the world and a place where people can still have a very nice time...
Vol. 9 • May 1976 • No. 8
