More Tales of the Big and Tall

Baker, Hunter

MORE TALES OF THE BIG AND TALL Look like Alfred Hitchcock, think like Cary Grant. BY HUNTER BAKER watching Buchanan and Kinsley tangle / t was said of Alfred Hitchcock that his nightly on...

...Despite my horror at resembling the original X-Man's fat white shadow, I forced myself to watch joylessly the rest of the interview...
...Never mind the frames on the Barry Goldwater model...
...The next few minutes are blank in my memory...
...Some SPAN...
...I accepted the assign- Camera close-ups revealed my goatee to be ment with enthusiasm...
...self-image was so strong, he thought That night, I found a hair stylist and of himself as another Cary Grant...
...BY HUNTER BAKER watching Buchanan and Kinsley tangle / t was said of Alfred Hitchcock that his nightly on Crossfire...
...I work for a conservative think tank with my host, I happily anticipated view-and frequently give interviews to radio sta- ing the tape, which would arrive in my tions and newspapers...
...But the most notable feaHunter Baker is a public policy professional in Atlanta, Georgia...
...He's telegenic, I discovered my child-on- Christmas - slim, and can do a hilarious, dead-on morning hopefulness had been inapproimpersonation of Jack Kemp if he runs out priate to the occasion...
...Upon finishing and shaking hands job...
...I removed the cassette...
...ture of my new look was my Barry Goldwater glasses combined with the goatee to make me resemble another infamous figure from America's history, Malcolm X. Well actually, I looked about the way Malcolm X would have looked if the prophet of rage had repeatedly vented his righteous fury on the buffet table...
...rect to my carefully planned talking Personal confidence is important in my points...
...But for at least a little while, I think I'll stick with the navy blazer, red ties, and the theater of the mind...
...charming or terrifying...
...Like Hitchcock walking away from the mirror that betrayed him, I recovered quickly...
...I'd been dreaming as scraggly as Michael Moore's facial hair of doing the talking head thing since on Oscar night...
...No matter how the newscaster paramours have been left hanging on park challenged, I was able to answer and redibenches in my substantial wake...
...I'm married, so I The interview went beautifully...
...ident of the organization, usually takes the When I received the tape and played it, television opportunities...
...sports coat...
...Never mind the (designed to disguise my double chin and way the cashier at the last fast-food restau- improve my ethnicity quotient), the whole rant I visited greeted me with the question: arrangement was aimed at avoiding the "And you'll have a large what...
...It's either devastatingly worldview I would espouse on camera...
...As an act of self-defense, my subconscious mind must have taken over and disposed of the tape in such a way as to make certain I would never see it again...
...The earth-toned gambling's not his bailiwick, he asked me colors I wore washed out my complexion...
...is to throw back Hitchcockian ego assured me of my sucmy shoulders, look her in the eyes, and cess in building the look of a radical, the give her the same smile I give my triple better to contrast with the conservative cheeseburger...
...style...
...It felt don't stick around to find out the result...
...My boss, the pres- mailbox a few days later...
...Surveying my eyeglasses, I I've always taken the same approach to chose a pair with severe-looking plastic my physical appearance...
...Blackwell's famous list evening newscaster about gambling...
...As I reviewed my image in the mirheavy players look away when an attractive ror, my built-in rose-colored lenses and woman walks by...
...like taking a test and knowing all the Who knows how many pining, potential answers...
...JUNE/JULY 2003 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 77...
...had my floppy, Bobby Kennedy-style Every time he walked past a mirror, he was bangs cut away from my forehead into shocked to see a bald, overweight, weak- what I fancied was a more serious short chinned countenance looking back at him...
...fact I haven't bought clothing outside of a Along with my already present goatee big and tall shop in years...
...Since of worst- dressed persons...
...When I arrived at home, I left my But as soon as he walked away, he forgot standard-issue navy blue blazer on the the toady fellow he'd just seen and re- hanger in favor of a professorial tweed embraced his inner hunk...
...standard preppie white boy conservative Being a big man in the John Candy image modeled ad infinitum by a succesmold never stopped me from thinking of sion of second-tier GOP males on C-myself as a very handsome fellow...
...A more suitable of things to say...
...Recently, he received a emotion would have been the dread of request on short notice to speak to an showing up on Mr...
...to do the interview...
...My m.o...

Vol. 36 • June 2003 • No. 3


 
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