Last Call
O'ROURKE, P.J.
LAST CALL by P.J. 0'Rourke Tragedies Rewritten for Democrats I'VE BEEN REWRITING FAMOUS tragedies for Democrats. I want to do something to help the healing process. I figure, after the...
...Othello almost wins the following election but has his victory stolen from him by means of politically manipulated ballot undercounts in a southern peninsula of Venice...
...With the help of a sympathetic mental health professional recommended by Polonius, Hamlet comes to terms with his true feelings for his "Uncle" Claudius, who subsequently leaves Gertrude...
...and Austin, Texas) David Boies regains his legal reputation by using DNA evi-dence to obtain Sydney Carton's release from death row...
...Fichley saw Theodore Dreiser interviewed on "Oprah," read An American Tragedy, became a feminist, and went to law school...
...Reproductive rights have been preserved by courageous moderates in a narrowly divided Con-gress...
...Her support group stages an intervention...
...Hamlet and Claudius are mar-ried in Vermont...
...Now, that's a tragedy...
...In A Tale of Two Cities (now set in Washington, D.C...
...BECAUSE MULTICULTURALISM IS taught in Algerian schools, Camus's "Stranger" understands the oppressive nature of French Colonial rule in North Africa...
...Fortunately Oedipus and Jocasta go into therapy, work on communicating, and avoid a prolonged custody battle over the Sphinx after their divorce...
...He becomes politically committed and moves to Paris where he causes the downfall of Adolf Hitler's vast right-wing conspiracy by writing poems, plays, and novels...
...74 February 2001 . The American Spectator...
...The Pew Charitable Trust endows a chair in Satanism at the Harvard School of Divinity...
...Anna Karenina leaves her husband to pursue a career with the military but discovers that proper day care is not available for her child...
...THANKS TO TIMELY INTERVENTION by the president of the United States (Democrat), the Capulets and Montagues are engaged in negotiations which lead to mutual respect and understanding...
...Faust decides to sell his soul to the devil...
...I figure, after the tragedy that the Democrats suffered in the Supreme Court, they need cheering up...
...Of course he does...
...Thus a nur-turing sense of community is fostered...
...HAMLET UNDERSTANDS THE FREUDIAN implications of seeing his father's "ghost...
...OEDIPUS REX THINKS THAT HE has killed his father and married his mother...
...Juliet's nurse spends many sleepless nights in her quest for universal health care because, tragical-ly, 35 percent of Verona's citizens still lack adequate medical insurance...
...Roberta's lawyer is the local heiress-and former Grif-fiths love interest-Sondra Fichley...
...Romeo and Juliet engage in some youthful sexual experimentation, normal for their age...
...0'Rourke Tragedies Rewritten for Democrats I'VE BEEN REWRITING FAMOUS tragedies for Democrats...
...Meanwhile U.N...
...At some level, all men in West-ern cultures believe this...
...FAUST, A SENSITIVE ADOLESCENT who is suffering painful alien-ation from the pressures of conformity in a materialistic society with suburban sprawl, is able to connect to other lonely teens who worship Satan through Internet chat rooms...
...Car-ton becomes a tireless advocate for abolition of capital punish-ment and the WTO...
...Othello's leadership is under-cut when Iago gains a majority in the Venetian House of Repre-sentatives...
...Since health care reform has been recently enacted in Thebes, Oedipus is able to get his crippled feet reconstructed, thereby raising his self-esteem and leading him to form a better-adjusted relation-ship with his new partner...
...Faust (that's Doctor Faust, now, thank you) writes a best-selling book, It Takes a Hades, which is turned into a critically acclaimed series on PBS...
...IT IS IN THE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE, however, where I've found the most fruitful material for rewrites...
...She almost throws herself under a train...
...His single mother is supportive, and society respects his alternative spirituality...
...When Cordelia gets back from her fellowship year in France, she helps Lear find a cheerful assisted-living facility...
...Ophelia's attempt to drown herself is recog-nized as a plea for help...
...Therefore, Roberta Alden is able to obtain an abortion...
...AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HELPS OTHELLO achieve a high position in the Venetian political system where he works to achieve eco-nomic fairness and the elimination of prejudice based on race, gender, and sexual orientation...
...She sues Clyde Griffiths for sexual harassment in the work-place...
...I need hardly say that Lear receives appropriate medication (for free, with Medicare prescription benefits) and realizes that Goneril and Regan are strong, independent women with lives of their own who are members of the "sandwich generation" that finds itself burdened by both child- and elder-care responsibilities...
...She has an eating disorder...
...peace-keeping troops have brought calm to the streets of Verona...
...Fortunately, Mr...
...Anna decides to run for an open Duma seat in a distant oblast...
...For example, I've fixed An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser...
...Laurence, a former Catholic Friar who now leads the local chapter of Planned Parenthood, has instituted a program providing free contraceptives at Romeo and Juliet's high school...
Vol. 34 • February 2001 • No. 1
