Last Call: Have Shotgun, Will Travel
Vinciguerra, Thomas
LAST CALL1 by Thomas Vinciguerra Have Shotgun, Will Travel WE HUSTLED, MY BROTHER AND I, OUT TO his trusty Thunderbird. Post time for the fifth at Belmont was half an hour away, and Bill had...
...Road tripping, tooling out to the beach, buying hardware—all of these require shotgun...
...THE DECLINE OF SHOTGUN STEMS NOT from the invention of asphalt, but from a twentieth-century inability to comprehend its true nature...
...Obviously, being in possession of a Lancia Gran Turismo or Aston Martin will launch the shotgun experience into the realm of the ecstatic...
...Announcing the presence of cops...
...Shotgun is thus a shaper of friendship, a cementer of camaraderie...
...Cherchezing les femmes...
...Now, IT IS TRUE THAT SHOTGUN, THOUGH central to the human vehicular condition, is not appropriate for every occasion...
...Few grasp that when riding shotgun, a weapon is no more required than is a stagecoach...
...Generally, the necessity for shotgun is established by the task at hand...
...Handing over said beer...
...But one could just as well make do with—God forbid—an AMC Pacer or a Gremlin...
...Popping open the driver's beer...
...Just ask Gabby Hayes or Andy Devine, who were practically riding shotgun before there were shotguns...
...Need it be said that if any of the above were forgone, the success of the expedition would be immediately jeopardized...
...Finding something halfway decent on the radio...
...Cursing the moron in front of you...
...That is, you make it clear that your companion is not merely along for the ride, but rather is expected to be on guard against the peril that lies ahead...
...82 May 1999 • The American Spectator...
...This disregard of the usual social niceties, this lack of standing on ceremony, extends to the vehicle itself...
...And there's just no debating the issue, mainly because there's no time—the game is afoot...
...Shotgun is primarily a state of mind, an attitude, a posture...
...Specifically, the shotgun rider takes full responsibility for: • Checking the map...
...It's who's sitting in the front seat, and not whether that front seat is covered in vicuna, that makes or breaks the ride...
...Sadly, eligibility for shotgun is even more restrictive than that...
...IN A WORLD OF INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINES, the joy of riding shotgun has fallen largely by the side of the turnpike...
...As should be obvious, based on the rare qualities of mind that are needed, not everyone is shotgun material...
...Talking baseball...
...WHAT CAN THAT TRANSLATE INTO, PRECISELY...
...With shotgun, there's no arguing over who's driving: If you don't volunteer for shotgun in that split-second before you assume your post, you get it thrust upon you...
...When you say, "You ride shotgun," what you're really doing is uttering a high-octane version of "Watch my back" (another three-worder that just misses the cut...
...Nonetheless, one may easily detect through empirical observation, with absolutely no exceptions to be found—women don't ride shotgun...
...Post time for the fifth at Belmont was half an hour away, and Bill had to get his hands on a racing form before he could even think of putting down dollar one...
...One might even say, with some justification, that the job description is inherently discriminatory...
...MUCH OF THIS SHOTGUN-BINDING COMES from the simple, quick elegance of the act, a sort of spontaneous blood-pumping exhilaration...
...Perhaps nowhere else in the automotive ethos is the actual make, model, condition, color, or other physical aspect of one's car as irrelevant...
...so absurd is the notion of riding shotgun for such cakewalks that it cannot even be fleetingly entertained...
...IT SHOULD BE MANIFEST THAT GIVEN WHAT'S at stake, the salutary effects of shotgun are mutual: Whoever happens to be riding shotgun is flattered because you have deemed him worthy of your trust, have in effect placed your life in his hands...
...It's a loss that goes beyond lamentable and into the red zone of deplorable...
...I'll drive," Bill said, slipping behind the wheel...
...What might have been a mere spin becomes a palpable quest, fraught with high adventure...
...As for you, the driver, you have gained peace of mind by having found someone you can depend on...
...You ride shotgun...
...But grocery shopping, visiting relatives, picking the kid up at school...
...Say them, and instantly you're catapulted into a realm where sudden death lurks behind every stop sign...
...Indeed, shotgun is an absolute prerequisite for being a sidekick...
...Even getting gas is a call for shotgun: you're at your most vulnerable when you're just standing there, filling yourself up...
...We reached the car more or less in a jog...
...it essentially means exercising eternal vigilance...
...There is one more critical piece of shotgun intelligence...
...For those three words — "You ride shotgun" —are packed with far more coiled tension than "I love you" or "You're under arrest" or even "Make my day...
...It's exactly the opposite of—to cite yet another tripartite sentiment—"Lean on me...
...Anything else...
...Nor does shotgun necessarily entail taking action, be it offensive or defensive, of any sort...
...Besides, how do you know that the cashier isn't an ambusher...
Vol. 32 • May 1999 • No. 5
