The Continuing Crisis
• April was a truly cruel month for our. boyish president. When the month began his political acumen was marveled upon by all the wizards and oracles of the Washington press corps. He was...
...Schmiechen is the film producer who won an Academy Award for The Times of Harvey Milk, a gruesome documentary about the homosexual life of Mr...
...On April 25, hundreds of thousands of poofters marched on Washington demanding various rights and rituals for their multifaceted community of problem children...
...I almost died...
...do not be fooled by the swank haberdashery, the distended limousines, and the noxious cologne...
...North Carolina became NCAA basketball champion, and a New York judge has ruled that once Mr...
...Yet darker powers may be at work, and even the FBI may be playing a role in the anti-Hindu intrigues...
...In Chino, California, six cows were electrocuted when a power pole at the R & J Albers Dairy was mysteriously toppled into the drinking trough of the bovine clerics...
...I slammed the toilet down and called my husband at work and told him that he had to come home...
...According to the esteemed New York Post, she is Miss Sheri Kay, 42, an exconsumerist who made hundreds of thousands in illegal profits by picking up large quantities of shrimp in grocery stores, taking them to the manager, and claiming that they were an earlier purchase which' she had found to be spoiled...
...Jimmy Carter lives...
...In Boston, Massachusetts, an eight:year-old girl was arrested for the attempted armed robbery of Mr...
...In Los Angeles, California, Mr...
...Prayer has always been at the center of his Life...
...Weeks before, the Washington Post had enthused over how he was "dazzling" this great city with his legislative mastery...
...In Fort Worth, Texas, Mr...
...Insensitive law enforcement officials at Penn State University may have a homegrown Anita Hill on their hands...
...Government was to be "reinvented...
...That's when I felt something scratching my behind...
...Matthew Block, 31, $30,000 for bringing an orangutan into the country, supposedly in violation of the United States Endangered Species Act...
...The tax code had come under their enlightened gaze, and the budget, and health care and infrastructure and the military and . well, late in April one of these Einsteins began an official White House media advisory thus: "His Excellency Lech Walesa, President of the Czech Republic . . ." • This charming piece of idiocy appeared in press kits about the time that President Clinton's misnamed economic stimulus package slammed into a Republican filibuster...
...Old Washington was swinging again with the gaggle of young political Mozarts and Beethovens whom he had brought from the Ivy League to the Potomac...
...Foul play is suspected...
...Diaz's son had offended his father by playing with dolls...
...Until recently only cows have been victimized, but late in April investigators in Ardsley, New York, discovered the decomposing heads of three horses lying in plastic bags by a roadside...
...In Texas, a veritable fever swamp of anti-Hindu sentiment, more than a hundred longhorns perished, many under bizarre circumstances...
...Ted Turner, after laying down a barrage of anti-cow oratory, are threatening to release more than a thousand godless buffaloes from that mysterious ranch they maintain in New Mexico...
...The senseless—and baffling—campaign against followers of the Hindu religion living in America continues, though only this department of The American Spectator has shown any concern whatsoever...
...The passage of Mr...
...From a base in Reno, Nevada, Miss Kay had traveled the country working the scheme so successfully that when the police arrested her in Glenville, New York, they found $400,000 in her car...
...Kim Richardson...
...Advocates of liberalized immigration policy suffered an unanticipated reversal in Miami, Florida, where United States District Judge James Kehoe fined Mr...
...Gary Sick, and, of course, Mr...
...Budget Director Leon Panetta on April 26 blubbered that the president's entire agenda was in trouble: his investment tax credit scam, his $113.6 billion infrastructure pork, his tax raid on the private sector, perhaps even the North American Free Trade Agreement...
...He intends to devote his full time to the economic revival of New York, and perhaps there will be a place on his economic team for Dr...
...Balwant Singh, a police commando, was jailed for having violated a donkey...
...Lane Spero...
...Bill Moyers, Mr...
...Now the entire press corps was in a charnel humor, and Democrats were in rebellion...
...Gore Vidal...
...He was invincible...
...In India's northern state of Haryana, Mr...
...The geniuses never slept...
...Miss Jane Fonda and her present husband, Mr...
...His lachrymose films all dealt with death, disease, madness—in fine and in sum: all the misogelastic topics which win the faintly, talented of this second-rate age Emmys, Peabodys, and that politically contrived Oscar...
...He did...
...A workaholic...
...Assisting in research on this story were Mr...
...Harvey Milk and his brutal death at the hands of a demented political opponent...
...On April 18, the celebrated couple announced that the buffaloes will be released on public grazing lands hitherto reserved for cows and cacti despite cattlemen's protests...
...And old Washington was working, too...
...Governor Mario Cuomo withdrew his name from consideration for the recently opened Supreme Court vacancy...
...And it seems that the anti-Hindu movement is receiving support even from American elites...
...Late in April, an unidentified female student complained to them that after she paid a male student to take an examination he flunked the exam and refused to return her payment, a $1,200 stereo...
...The Rev...
...Thomas Steel handed over his sperm to a lesbian couple for the purpose of artificial insemination he had no legal rights to it or to any other bodily effluvia that he might have granted them...
...Jesse Jackson withdrew from the race for NAACP Executive Director, citing his intention to avoid a "fratricidal political battle," though it is always possible that he wishes to allow himself more time for solitary prayer and quiet readings of the Scriptures...
...Some cattlemen are attempting to play down the buffalo threat with gentle wit, for instance Mr...
...Suave...
...Yet at President Clinton's April 23 press conference not one question was raised regarding the plight of American Hindus...
...A prodigy...
...RET...
...Schmiechen is of course unfortunate, but it is still more unfortunate that the Republic contains not one authoritative institution capable of maintaining intellectual standards and preserving useful and comprehensible words such as "gay" from the idiotic politicizers whose sole purposes is to importune on the commonweal, always at a profit...
...As she testified to her local gazette in a news story that is bound to land her a spot on "Geraldo" or "Sixty Minutes," "I went to the bathroom and lifted the lid and sat down...
...Richardson's assurance that "I decided to use the guest bathroom...
...In crime news, the "Shrimp Lady" was nabbed...
...And to end the crisis we are relieved to report Mrs...
...Richard Schmiechen died...
...The atrocity could have been much worse, for more than a hundred of the sacred hoofers were proceeding to the trough for their daily ablution of the muzzle and a swig when their ill-starred colleagues of a sudden lit up and began to sizzle, causing them reason to pause and stampede...
...At the University of Virginia, faculty members have voluntarily agreed to refrain from sexual congress with students whom they either teach or supervise so long as they can have their way with other students...
...Jack Kevorkian...
...Finally there is evidence that the campaign is escalating...
...On April 18, its agents stormed the temple of the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas, leading to the indiscriminate deaths of Davidians and livestock alike...
...Soon all Washington was bawling about Boy Clinton's ineptitude...
...As of now, both students are under investigation, but do not be surprised if the National Organization for Women hails the female student for "coming forward" and sets up a scholarship in her name...
...Jose Angel Diaz, 27, was sentenced to sixty-two years in the hoosegow for murdering his two-year-old son...
...And a squirrel drowned in Lawrenceville, New Jersey, after falling into the toilet of the elegant Mrs...
...Al Schneberger, executive director of the New Mexico Cattlegrowers Association, who joshes: "I put this [buffalo ranching] a little bit higher than a worm farm...
Vol. 26 • June 1993 • No. 6
