The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS •March came in like a lamb and left snarling with a gigantic drop in the stock market, a decidedly reactionary Supreme Court decision abundant with the flavors of 1976, and an...
...Americans shipped to the USSR could become jailers, secret police, and alcoholic counselors and Soviet citizens shipped here could take the place of the idiotic professors whom the Reagan Administration in its wisdom would surely ship over there...
...Scott's attempt to mug him...
...George Shultz gave personal and unimpeachable testimony that her husband, the Secretary of State, does indeed have a tiger (Panthera tigris) tattooed on his posterior...
...They began by saying the North Vietnamese were liberators...
...In Hobart, Indiana, Mr...
...Assistant Secretary of Defense Mr...
...A Kenyon College anthropologist, Professor J. Kenneth Small, evoked visions of sugar plums at a symposium on war and peace at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science by proposing that superpower tension might be mollified if the United States and the Soviet Union would swap at least one million citizens in a "peace hostage deal...
...Finally, the 1987 NCAA Basketball Tournament was won by Indiana University, coached by Bob Knight, a neoconservative...
...Indonesia's President Suharto opened Southeast Asia's largest and most efficient condom factory in a lovely setting surrounded by volcanoes and not far from the famed university-city of Bandung, site of the Bandung conference of 1955...
...In Great Britain, notwithstanding all the exhortatory propaganda for safe sex, a British member of Parliament, Mr...
...Wesley A. Smith was acquitted on narcotics charges after a jury heard the testimony of Mr...
...The President told three jokes, the press zero...
...In Peking, couples waiting to wed had to exchange rat tails for marriage licenses during a recent rodent extermination campaign...
...Former President Jimmy Carter returned safely from an impudent five-nation tour of the Middle East, proving that even hostage-takers have their standards...
...Mrs...
...Researchers in Amherst, Massachusetts continue to sift through the soiled diapers of sixty-five children to discern how much dirt they consume...
...Apparently the very same people who brought the Vietnam war to foozle and who spit on the soldiers as they returned are going to be rewarded for perpetuating their fantasies...
...They continued by saying that the war's tyrannical outcome vindicated them...
...Randolph Scott, Danny Kaye, and Robert Preston expired as did one of the last representatives of the traditional German school of conducting, 84-year-old Mr...
...The adornment could not be closer to where conservatives and other public-spirited Americans would like to see an imprint of Ronald Reagan's shoe...
...RET...
...Voluntarily...
...Woody Hayes, the fiery Ohio State football coach astonished his critics by dying during nocturnal repose and with a smile on his face...
...In Manchester, England, a high-tech robber left shopkeeper Mr...
...Rumors percolated through the world of high culture that Leonard Bernstein, the gifted conductor and composer, has begun work on a Safe Sex Mass, and the rock group Fat Boys intends to record a "rap song" titled "Protect Yourself" in praise of rational sex...
...Jim Bakker stepped down as Pope of the Praise the Lord ministry amid charges that he misused a glass of yin blanc to exchange bodily fluids with church secretary Miss Jessica Hahn...
...Eugene Fischer when Mr...
...Derek Ryan's cash register empty and his hands stuck to the counter with instant glue...
...The Tower Commission heaved up a 300-page report on the Iran-contra connection, placing blame about equally upon the President and his aides and apparently encouraging the President to hold his first press conference in four months, much to the discomfiture of Washington scriveners who adjudged the press conference dull...
...And now they say simultaneously that they are the veterans' true champions and that the veterans were nitwits and psychopaths...
...No war in American history has been discussed so idiotically, and it is reassuring to note that only the opponents of the war and their left-wing colleagues have had much of a voice in the discussion...
...Spain may be taking another bold step into the modern world...
...See p. 56...
...There has been another AIDS-related biting incident...
...Messrs...
...Smith's pet bird...
...In the wake of allegations that several Marine guards were compromised by KGB cuties in what may be the most damaging security breach since the melodious Walker family, the Marine Corps is ordering a thorough review of the six-week training program that Marine embassy guards receive, and never was there a greater need for a course in safe sex...
...and court officials in Providence, Rhode Island tagged her as a common scofflaw for neglecting $305 in parking fines...
...The enlightened movement has been catalyzed by enormities committed against donkeys in the historic town of Villanueva de la Vera, where the town's fattest layman—religious notables are ineligible—rides an old donkey in the Mardi Gras fiesta until the creature collapses, thus encouraging other fat people to trample it...
...After years of sportive rooster-stoning, chicken-decapitating, and general bull abuse, an animal rights group has sprung to life to put an end to donkey-squashing...
...General Alexander Haig entered the race for the 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MAY 1987 Republican presidential nomination, and a tennis injury will apparently keep Arkansas Senator Dale Bumpers out of the Democratic race...
...A survey published in US...
...Eugen Jochum, a simple man whose only vice was the work of Anton Bruckner...
...Fischer's wife, Sharon, an unwilling spectator to the violent exchange, suffered a mortal heart attack upon hearing Mr...
...Spaniards in the Association for the Defense of Animals argue that the practice violates donkey rights, though others of a progressive cast of mind could argue that donkey-squashing finally recognizes the moral worth of fat people and their numerous contributions to society...
...David Scott, 44 and a victim of acquired immune deficiency syndrome, shot and bit Mr...
...and the March 22 edition of London's Sunday Telegraph reported that a 30-year-old female lawyer was held at Heathrow Airport for carrying condoms, formerly known as prophylactics, into the country...
...Fischer resisted Mr...
...Harvey Proctor, was arrested for allegedly engaging in spanking sessions with male prostitutes...
...In a retaliation against Japanese trade practices the Reagan Administration doubled tariffs on some Japanese products, and India banned the export of frog legs...
...David Karnes...
...He actually served as president of the West German Bruckner Society...
...In Danville, Indiana, Mr...
...Richard Perle, one of the government's most effective proponents of peace, declared his intention to resign, and White House chief of staff Donald Regan did resign, but only as his replacement, ex-Senator Howard Baker, barged through the White House's swinging doors...
...Prince Philip praised Thailand as a member of the fraternity of progressive nations for making prophylactics, now known as condoms, in different colors to suit varying moods...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS •March came in like a lamb and left snarling with a gigantic drop in the stock market, a decidedly reactionary Supreme Court decision abundant with the flavors of 1976, and an Oscar for Platoon...
...Nebraska's Senator Edward Zorinsky, whose commitment to open government was solemnized by the removal of his Senate office door, died on March 6, and Mr...
...Yes, Platoon...
...Scott declare his infelicity...
...Jerry Falwell agreed to replace him, though it was Lt...
...Fashion designers, dutifully following the artifacts of television news, have concluded that Mrs...
...His secretary, Miss Fawn Hall, was offered by Penthouse magazine $150,000 more to model her private parts than Miss Hahn, and Miss Hahn has the same number of private parts...
...Catholic magazine reports that nine out of ten American Catholics believe that gossiping is a sin, and virtually no Roman Catholic steals hotel towels though many neglect to fold them before replacing them...
...Senator Zorinsky and his door have been replaced, the former by Mr...
...The redoubtable Rev...
...One month after former President Jimmy Carter acknowledged that he watches starving Ethiopian children on television—odd!—and computes how many amount to one Amy Carter in the "eyes of God"—very odd!—Brown University put Miss Carter on limited probation for participating in obstreperous protests...
...Oliver North who gained most from the scandal...
...According to Professor Small's plan, the 15- to 35-year-old hostages would offer services needed in the other country...
...Nancy Reagan's favorite color has shifted from red to blue...
...The Rev...
Vol. 20 • May 1987 • No. 5
