The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS December through to January 8, and out in California, full of brag and bounce, Ronald Reagan & Associates are donning their makeup and their costumes, going through...
...Any suspicions that the fetus was the unwanted consequence of unusual sexual conduct were allayed by doctors who speculated that the fetus might actually have been an undeveloped twin...
...In Bonners Ferry, Idaho, Mr...
...They had been willing to give Mr...
...Robert Fox of Howell, New Jersey, who married a 34-year-old transsexual after a "whirlwind courtship" two months ago, murdered her after discovering evidence of various infidelities amongst her private effects...
...Professors Gene Erwin and Gerald McClearn have found that hereditary factors definitely influence the normal mouse's dependency on spiritous drink...
...Doubtless we all have our favorites...
...But when he appointed James Watt to head the Department of the Interior, there were some hem-hems from the flower-sniffers...
...teenager cremated herself upon hearing of her dog's death, and on December 21, Iran demanded $24 billion for the return of our State Department personnel...
...Nonetheless, there were hopeful omens...
...Reagan the benefit of the doubt, but bringing in a man who actually disagrees with them-well that is going too far...
...And there was more...
...Fittingly, on December 31, the Washington Post listed The American Spectator as Washington's "in" magazine, replacing the New Republic...
...It will be only a matter of time before they are howling for his scalp...
...William Warren suffered multiple stab wounds during a New Year's eve fracas over a puppy, its ownership, and precisely who had hurled it from a third-story window...
...Everyone is on Ron's side...
...According to Ohio State University Professor Steven Jones, Santa Claus is actually a "sexist fertility symbol" whose "male figure is a fairly common sexist theme in folklore through which male characters usurp female roles...
...On December 24, President-elect Reagan called the Iranians "criminals" and "kidnappers," and on December 26, President Carter broke his collar bone...
...In Shrewsbury, Massachusetts, police are, at this moment, hunting down a "surly" Santa Claus who took $200 from the Shrewsbury Citgo station, long a local cultural center...
...Shrewsbury's Christians consoled themselves, noting that the beefy thief used no weapon...
...Robert Krummerich where a water bed had burst into flames, and on December 15, Mr...
...In Hayward, California, Superior Court Judge John Purchio awarded $133,000 to a woman after a series of foot operations left her with a big toe sticking straight up...
...We'll get this guy," the cop pledged, filling many minds with delightful scenes of a manacled Santa before the cameras, a police lineup abounding with Santas, Santa in the dock...
...But the hate is still there...
...Dave Winfield was given $25 million to play baseball...
...Mice whose parents have been alcoholics should not drink, according to researchers at the University of Colorado...
...Finally, sulking, saintly, and imbecilic, the Wonderboy of 1976 prepared to abscond to his refuge deep in America's peanut country...
...The lips that once spoke hate are pinched and suspended from jowls...
...In London, England, a Santa Claus who had been hysterically passing out chocolate from a sleigh drawn by two miniature Shetland ponies became such a nuisance that Magistrate Mrs...
...The once pert and pretty figure has sagged...
...The Fishbeins and Reiters have had a long-standing disagreement...
...Reiter, As your body is slowly being eaten away by cancer and you will slowly get thinner, and become mentally incompotent (sic) like you shall become...
...Merry Christmas" resounded repeatedly from the leathery lungs of smug believers...
...Christmas was celebrated across the length and breadth of the Republic, and once again the doughty American Civil Liberties Union was helpless to do anything about it...
...William Reed and Mr...
...Only the readers of The American Spectator know for sure, and perhaps they will take heart in hearing that since then our circulation has increased from 13,500 to 31,000, a 130-percent increase...
...RET...
...The anti-social habits of pet lovers continue to make headlines...
...Miss Zona Sage, 35, director of Berkeley, California's rent stabilization board, was arrested on suspicion of using spray paint to adorn the side of a liquor store with the slogans "Amazon Liberation Army" and "Smash Pornophy (sic...
...The son of Senator Edward Kennedy was arrested for possession of marijuana...
...Mr...
...Once she was beautiful," the New York Post declared...
...Evelyn Davies banned him from central London until mid-January, and for good reason...
...The cultural abyss between Ronald Reagan and the energumens of regulation, environmentalism, feminism, and all the other enthusiasms of the New Age is unavoidable...
...Richard L. Gates, an illiterate tailor from Philadelphia, surrendered at least six hostages in Lafayette Hill, Pennsylvania, when authorities promised that they would teach him to read...
...The Sam Reiter family of Holbrook, New York, is suing its neighbors, the Jerry Fishbeins, for $8 million, after receiving crank letters from the Fishbeins such as one allegedly written by a fictitious and apparently semi-literate doctor: "Dear Mrs...
...Medhi Farrokhi [Iranian] has been sentenced to six years in prison for raping a nineteen-yearold mentally retarded woman...
...In Los Angeles, a drunk who had been ordered by police to walk home due to his sozzled condition, was seriously injured when run over by a riderless motorcycle...
...In Chicago, Mr...
...Had anyone predicted such a debacle four years ago...
...Claiming unfamiliarity with American customs and limited facility with English, Mr...
...but nonbelievers were left with no legal recourse other than to hunker down, saddened by the knowledge that their tax dollars were being expended to decorate public buildings with such seasoned brummagem as Santa's smirker, Christmas bells, and, in some instances, angels...
...Soviet-Polish relations warmed and cooled continuously throughout the month, and Mr...
...But a police spokesman was quick to point out that "he used real tough language"-notwithstanding the fact that the attendant was a lady...
...Farrokhi will appeal his conviction to the Illinois Supreme Court...
...Nick Hill, 21, is recuperating after having a small fetus removed from his brain, where it had been, unbeknownst to Hill, all his life...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS December through to January 8, and out in California, full of brag and bounce, Ronald Reagan & Associates are donning their makeup and their costumes, going through final rehearsals, and preparing for the great flight into Washington for their first four-year stand...
...Mark David Chapman, the fanatical Beatles fan who actually murdered John Lennon on December 8, made the anticipated not-guilty plea on the grounds of insanity, though it is still uncertain precisely what Beatles records will be used in his defense...
...On December 3, former "Weatherman" leader Miss Bernardine Dohrn, 38, surrendered to authorities, still spouting revolutionary bombast and baloney...
...In Minneapolis, Mr...
...A Washington, D.C...
...we would hereby request, instead of being buried in the ground, we would like to use your remains for scientific evaluation in the continuing research of terminal cancer...
...No wonder an eight-foot effigy of the accursed man was hung by the neck in Burlington, North Carolina...
...Fire fighters in DuQuoin, Illinois, were called to the home of Mr...
...But now," the world's greatest newspaper went on, "the cheeks have turned to chalk, the face has lined with age, the eyes sit above deep bags...
...But time exacts its price...
...The sham will be repeated many times...
...In Washington the sense of anticipation grows...
Vol. 14 • February 1981 • No. 2
