The Continuing Crisis
_9 January 12 to February 8, and the Kennedy campaign proceeds like a beautiful comet flaring across the northern skies, successively losing magnitude and even plausibility. To revive his...
...Why not the best indeed...
...Already the winner of the Lenin Prize and widely accepted as a classic of modern Soviet literature, the memoirs have now been made into an oratorio that has become the musical season's rage...
...Fortunately, the Wonderboy has had more experience with such lunatic interludes than any other American President, and so the boys at the White House continued to whistle their merry tune...
...9 The Justice Department found itself in very hotwater with the 96th Congress when it was revealed that the FBI had uncovered a plethora of venality flowing between eight or so distinguished solons and an FB1 front, Abdul Enterprises, Limited, an Arab firm whose lawyer, so thought the pols, was a man named Weintraub...
...9 In another inspired move, the Wonderboy sent Mr...
...That was the day Ambassador All strutted about with the Kenyan presidential baton, which he had snatched from an agape President Daniel Arap Moi...
...Davis' trysts with her in a torture chamber maintained just beneath their residence, and she shot him as he slept in the couple's waterbed...
...Deborah Davis was arraigned for shooting her husband James, described as "kind of a counter culture type" who once told his lawyer of "contacts with little men in spaceships...
...The Hon...
...How can they fail...
...In Hudiksvall, Sweden, a 31year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of robbing his three-year-old son's piggy bank...
...Pete Rose deserved to be honored as "The Player of the Decade...
...and his lawyers, using a defense tactic that could benefit scores of his old associates, are attempting to spring him on grounds of mental incompetence...
...How come...
...9 Is a pattern emerging here...
...Aaron said, "but I was never the ideal person for the New York p r e s s " - - a n d we all know of that institution's apartheid tendencies...
...Using authentic ma,nmoth cells discovered in Siberian tundra, the scientists plan to impregnate a female elephant that will then give birth to a mammoth, which, the scientists insist, will be used purely for peaceful purposes...
...The woman duly turned the piece of tongue over to police, the police went to the hospital, and the puzzle was solved...
...Lloyd E. Welch, 19, was given a one-year suspended sentence upon pleading nolo contendere to charges that, at 4 a.m...
...Leonid I. Brezhnev, Hero of Socialist Labor, one of "the two baddest white men in the world...
...What is more, our President's appointee could not recollect having heard of Helmut Schmidt, James Callaghan, and Valery Giscard d'Estaing...
...George Meany died...
...on October 20, he masturbated nude in front of the Sticky Fingers Bakery and in full view of Miss Karen Babcock, baker...
...9 In Lyndon, Kansas, Mrs...
...In Teheran, the Islamic government has established a center for the abolition of sin, and in New York City, Mrs...
...On February 5, Mr...
...What was that all about...
...A love-starved rapist was arrested at an East St...
...Andrew Young...
...Peter Bourne...
...9 Finally, Mr...
...Finally, the Rutland, Vermont, Herald reports that Mr...
...The 16-term congressman is accused of having accepted more than $50,000 in bribes...
...Soon word reached the White House that its 250-pound diplomatist had run amok somewhere in Africa and there was nothing the foreign service could do about it...
...Hank Aaron showed the charm of a real professional by insisting that he and not Mr...
...Muhammad All, Esq., as a presidential envoy to the heads of five African countries to elucidate the mysteries of the Wonderboy's foreign policy...
...And in Minneapolis, evangelist Billy Graham was slightly injured when he fell in the bathtub, possibly while attempting to replicate a famous Biblical feat...
...Rod Carew...
...Marvin Travis, whose mother's body lay for over a year in her upstairs bedroom, told police that he was unaware she had succumbed because his deceased father had always instructed him to respect her privacy...
...Moreover, the American-Arab Relations Committee also took umbrage and demanded in a formal statement that the FBI apologize to Arabs worldwide for fashioning a trap perpetuating a "prejudicial view of Arabs...
...And in Detroit, Mr...
...Apparently Mrs...
...I don't want to get into a racial thing," Mr...
...9 The owners of Studio 54 began serving prison terms for tax evasion...
...Pronouncing adoption "more permanent than marriage," a 21-year-old Milwaukee man won a petition allowing him to adopt his 23-year-old homosexual lover...
...9 Soviet scientists have announced that the}' will soon bring into the world the first mammoth to tread the planet in ten thousand years...
...Nonetheless, relations with the Arabs remained arctic, for their grumpy missive had never explained whether they were offended because the FBI ploy presented Arabs as the bestowers of bribes or the associates of congressmen...
...Ambassador All...
...Louis, Illinois, hospital where he was having his tongue sutured...
...9 Advocates of the nation's prisoners-rights movement were dealt a serious setback when inmates at the New Mexico State Penitentiary freed themselves and duly began butchering each other into rudely-cut bacon, despite alternative prospects offered by the presence of 15 hostage-guards...
...Who would explain the thing to the Soviet leader...
...9 A foreign service officer, writing in the Foreign Service Journal, reports that the Wonderboy's Ambassador to Singapore arrived at his post unaware that there are two Koreas ("Did you say there are two separate Korean Governments...
...All of which suggests that during Watergate Richard Nixon may well have blundered and unnecessarily alienated Congress when he asserted, "I am not a crook...
...Hodding Carter stated that "the impact he's having is tremendous...
...Madalyn Murray O'Hair of the American Atheists is countering the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church's "Dial-a-Prayer" by setting up a "Dial-an-Atheist" telephone service, (212) 7263647 for the faithful...
...Aaron finished third behind Mr...
...Miss Midge Costanza...
...and that India and Pakistan are not palsy-walsy ("You mean there has been a war between India and Pakistan...
...Acclaimed by Soviet critics for its "sincere pathos," the oratorio begins with young Leonid's log-cabin incubation and culminates in a grandiose portrayal of the dauntless patriot suavely opening the steppeland of Central Asia to agriculture...
...In a striking show of political integrity, the American Nazi Party has aided Chicago police in indicting the Party's former Fiihrer for sexually abusing little boys...
...Say what you will, but I shall miss the great plumber...
...9 In Moscow, Papa Brezhnev's memoirs are still very much on the minds of members of the intelligentsia...
...To revive his fortunes, on January 28 Senator Kennedy delivered a major policy speech, the contents of which suggested that the Senator is now pitching his woo toward surviving members of the Wobblies...
...On January 16 a hearing into the competence of former congressman Daniel Flood attracted anxious attention from erstwhile colleagues...
...Not only that, but he had called Mr...
...Unfortunately, the former pugilist and poet was set upon at the beautiful Dar es Salaam aerodrome by a mob of Tanzanian Dan Rathers...
...Nearly 100 congressmen have now slipped under the particeps criminis pale since 1970...
...RET 2 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MARCH 1980...
...With the Wonderboy pulling away and the Mullah Brown catching up, sniggers are beginning to sound, and the faithful are beginning to wonder if there might not have been some mistake on the Senator's birth certificate...
...Davis had come to disrelish strongly Mr...
...At any rate, this is Congress's second major scandal since Watergate...
...As a careful student of the Carterian mountebankery, I strongly suspect that all of the above will be cited by our President as proof that, in these trying times, no other presidential candidate has had more experience in dealing successfully with idiocy...
...In other cultural notes, officials at the Berlin Zoo confected a laxative of linseed soup to purge a prized rhinoceros that had inadvertently gulped down a key ring during brunch...
...Soon, Attorney General Benjamin R. Civiletti was feverishly testifying before congressional committees and reassuring Capitol Hill's nervous inhabitants that only eight of their fellows had been nabbed this time...
...A supporting cast of thousands...
...According to police, he lost a portion of it while attempting to rape a feisty 74-year-old woman...
Vol. 13 • March 1980 • No. 3
