The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS January through mid-February, and the Wonderboy is having his problems. First there were his hemorrhoids, then there was the economy, then the conturbation in Iran. January's...
...Is our policy toward South Africa and Rhodesia not such an attempt...
...Bussey's suit, "this ingesting of Coors beer has pickled the brain of the plaintiff, rendering him incapable of writing up to his potential or even writing in a professional manner...
...Vance emerged from a helicopter attired in knee socks and knickers...
...Epitomizing this sudden Era of Good Feelings, one of our President's intelligence aides informed Mr...
...Richard Burt of the New York Times that the United States "can no longer just bludgeon its way into situations...
...Andrew Young called Islam "a vibrant cultural force" and the Ayatollah "a saint...
...As our relative power declines," he explained, "we must learn, like the British did years ago, to become more discriminating, alert and skilled in political intelligence...
...Terror struck Washington when it was learned that Miss Sara Jane Moore, convicted in 1976 of an attempt to assassinate President Ford, had made good on an audacious escape from an Alderson, West Virginia, calaboose and was headed for Washington, before being recaptured...
...Working with these hinds must have been a dizzying chore for the KGB...
...There are few leaks, but then again there is very little policy to leak...
...Will the United States really maintain a "very productive and peaceful cooperation" with Iran...
...The President reads everything put on his desk...
...Cyrus Vance seems to be pretty much unnoticed and probably unnecessary...
...The Wbnderbby's superbly humanized CIA has been as informed about Iranian politics over the past year as a dozen practicing alcoholics on an American Express tour...
...Bussey would make an excellent replacement for Howard Cosell...
...The Genius of Campaign '76 spends more and more time in Camp David...
...Two days after the Wonderboy's soothing press conference our ambassador in Teheran was arrested and our ambassador in Afghanistan was murdered...
...Is this not an attempt to determine the governments of those countries...
...Sid Vicious...
...What was democratic Israel's transgression...
...The Washington police department has hired its first transsexual, and a newspaper columnist in the Philippines has advised businessmen who feel that they are being "harassed" by reporters to shoot them...
...If the Iranian government adopts all the Ayatollah's theocratic flumdiddle, how will it fare in next year's State Department survey...
...RET...
...On February 11, as America's most powerful Persian Gulf ally mysteriously collapsed in anarchy, Mr...
...Ros-alynn Carter's testimony to a Senate subcommittee, later in the day, wherein she declared that "everybody has a mental problem...
...Then there is our Secretary of State...
...Once some lout left a Washington telephone directory there...
...Former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller died during private services in his Manhattan office at 13 W. 54th Street...
...The Post has discovered that the administration did nothing of the kind, a disclosure that raises new questions about our China policy and about born-again Christian theology in general...
...Pol Pot's Utopian community fell after a 13-day battle with Vietnam...
...He travels to foreign parts-at least to those foreign parts where it is not yet illegal for an American Secretary of State to venture...
...Led by a scowling 78-year-old exile, it was carried out by street demonstrators wearing two-buttoned sport coats and howling for liberation via the Islamic legal code...
...Perhaps in time we could found an institute to publish an American equivalent of Jane's Fighting Ships, thereby affording us the opportunity to chronicle the comparative naval strengths of the USSR, China, West Germany, France, and the other global powers...
...Finally a promising life of crime ended for 20-year-old William R. Douglas of Louisville when he got his head stuck in a bathroom window he was surreptitiously trying to enter and choked to death...
...John Connally announced that he is running for the Presidency...
...Indeed it is about time that America conduct the whole of its foreign policy along more dignified lines, perhaps choosing as an exemplar Liechtenstein or Monaco, nations where protocol and elegant ceremony have replaced the vulgar exercise of power...
...Our President was dauntlessly advancing through the R's when the evening janitorial detail came across him and sent him to his quarters...
...In that press conference our President gave his audience to believe that his administration had asked mainland China for a formal assurance that the Chinese would not try to take Taiwan by force...
...Raymond Priestly was attempting a shot while hanging upside down from the ceiling when his pants loosened and he crashed head-first on the pool table...
...After all, occurrences that in less enlightened periods might have been put down as foreign policy disasters now pass unremarked...
...In the report, Israel received black marks for administrative policies vis-a-vis Arabs in the occupied territories...
...Which explains, perhaps, Mrs...
...This revolution was weird even by Middle East standards...
...Ample supplies of oriental rugs at moderate prices-that is the promise of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini's new Iranian Islamic Republic...
...Amnesty International may once again turn its attentions to the United States where a Minneapolis court is denying Miss Linda Kim-Sano Petersen's God-given right to change her name to Linda Elizabeth Zeamyqk Zylona Opaline Zerdali Drusilla Holly Clare Sakura Kim Sanp (no hyphen), In Pittsburgh a 14-year-old youth faces possible assault charges for having bashed a companion in the face with an 8-pound frozen carp...
...Arguably it was that government's refusal to allow Arabs to adopt the renowned Islamic criminal code, according to which thieves have their hands amputated and adulterers are thunked with stones...
...his aides collect things to put on his desk...
...Yet even greater terror struck the Oval Office when the Washington Post published a front-page news story claiming that that candidate who in 1976 had methodically repeated, "If I ever lie to you don't vote for me," had in a January 17 press conference told a whopper...
...Moreover, our President declared that American involvement in Iran had been minimal, and that it was not U.S...
...Sounding like a grandmother full of Valium, he assured a February 12 press conference that America would continue its "very productive and peaceful cooperation" with Iran...
...Menachem Begin...
...According to Mr...
...Who doubts the report...
...January's wholesale prices rose 1,3 percent, the highest increase since November 1974...
...Certainly our Secretary of State's instinct for ceremony is glorious beyond compare...
...He will be missed...
...To understand Iran, consult Mr...
...Otherwise Mr...
...The Secretary of State had been conferring with the Wonderboy about the Iranian disaster, and you can be sure that their discussion was brief...
...Possibly very well, for on February 7 Mr...
...his government anticipated the disaster nearly a year ago...
...policy to try to determine the government of any country: "We tried that once," the sage asserted, "in the past in Vietnam and failed abominably...
...And in Oklahoma City a writer by the name of Woodrow W. Bussey is filing a $2 million lawsuit against Coors beer and a local tavern, claiming "irreparable brain damage, damage to his reputation, damage to his sexual prowess and damage to his literary career...
...Still, Iran does not distress our President...
...In Pekin, Illinois, Miss Nancy Chamberlain, 31, has filed a $50,000 damage suit against Holiday Inns, Inc., because a waiter allegedly mistook her head for a flambe steak he was trying to light...
...Mr...
...Why was it published...
...Yet they whipped up a swell catastrophe nonetheless...
...What he does there goes unrecorded...
...Drug overdose again struck the world of culture, this time taking the life of punk rock star Mr...
...And from Melbourne, Australia, comes word that one of the great geniuses of the snooker shot has met a sad fate...
...Oil production will be halved, technological advance scotched, and female limbs will vanish forever...
...Senator Herman Talmadge is being treated for "alcohol abuse," and Mr...
...The dollar's value continued its graceless decline, and Jimmy's State of the Union Address sounded like the annual report of the Kansas City Power and Light Company, read with feeling...
...A tragic denouement that, but now Mr...
...All of which makes his State Department's human-rights survey an even more curious document...
...Released on February 10, it supposedly essays the condition of human rights in 115 countries that receive economic or military assistance from the United States, depending on their observance of American liberal values...
Vol. 12 • March 1979 • No. 3
