The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS - October, and the sentimental slobbering continues; the outraged comminations reverberate, now and anon; the puny, hollow, bromides keep transmitting from 1600...
...Nonetheless, Mr...
...Thus far Mr...
...It is very, very good for you...
...A Federal District Court in Newark barred the teaching in public schools of an HEW-funded course in Transcendental Meditation on the grounds that it violated the First Amend-ment requirement for separation of church and state...
...His philoso-phy is a stew of superstition and banality...
...Two hundred and one years after the launch-ing of this supposedly free democracy someone is finally doing something to extend the blessings of the Constitution to a minority that has for too long suffered discrimination and obloquy: the innocently fat...
...Howard Smeld, after he fell upon Mr...
...He has no ideas and no ideals worthy of scrutiny...
...Then he laced up his own clodhoppers, charged onto the White House lawn, and put on the feed bag with "my closest friends in all the world...[sighl...we're part of the same family...
...The Yankees had done woke up...
...Gore Vidal...
...Marjorie Jackson, the reclusive heiress murdered during the six-million-dollar robbery of her Indianapolis home, fetched $1,500 at auction...
...Since 1928 he has not had sexual congress, and yet both he and his wife glow with health...
...Smeld with the leg of a dismembered rocking chair...
...There appears no relief from the drear...
...RET The American Spectator December 1977...
...After an evening under the pro-fessional care of a local bartender, the Phoenix, Arizona, bachelor returned home only to be-come helplessly entrapped in his sofa, where he remained for five days until an indefatigable bill collector discovered him...
...George Weidenfeld and was witnessed by such truly exceptional people as Lillian Hellman, Ahmet Ehrtegun, Evangeline Bruce, Max Palevsky, and John Kenneth Galbraith, described by the "Style" section of the Washington Post as an "econo-mist...
...Ham and Jody removed their socks from the radiator, thrust their hooves into their clodhoppers, and with shirttails flapping galloped into the Oval Office...
...Let subscribers to Cosmopolitan meditate on that...
...Arthur Goldberg, re-buffed Soviet criticism of our President's human rights persiflage by summoning up that ancient maxim, "Sticks and stones may break your bones...
...Madalyn Murray O'Hair, the devout atheist who saved us from prayer in public schools, is now going to lift from us the infamy of church-sponsored bingo...
...Carter is the only president we have, and it is the duty of all Americans to close ranks behind him, or better still, in front of him, and not let the world see what 27.5 percent of the adult population of this country did to us...
...His memorable query as he was being borne off to the slammer was "Will this count against the points on my driver's license...
...Desai revealed: "For the past five or six years I have drunk a glass of my own urine—about five to six ounces—every morning...
...That the United States and the Soviet Union should cooperate on civil liberties ought to surprise no one, for as our President's national security adviser pointed out in an October 18th speech to the Overseas Writers Club, it is only "historical forces, philosophical pressures, geopolitical considerations, divergent political systems, and different values," certainly not "evil men" or "evil designs," that bring about competition...
...On October 21 our chief delegate to the Belgrade Conference, Mr...
...And the mercurial Mr...
...Terror stabbed through the literary world of New York when retired novelist Norman Mailer repulsed hostess Lally Weymouth's ever-reliable canapes, bounded over two tiers of truffles, and assaulted a hapless Mr...
...And so another month of the Carter Populism slips into history...
...Finally, our President returned to Washington just in time to see his cargo prefer-ence scheme trounced in the Congress...
...The assault apparently occurred when Mr...
...In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, two desperate gunmen held up the John Neumyer Funeral Home and escaped with three bottles of em-balming fluid...
...Smeld, an incorrigible practical jokester, informed Mr...
...the puny, hollow, bromides keep transmitting from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...
...He lumbered through a mid-October Associated Press interview, clumsily shoving forward leaden platitudes wrapped in impene-trable bureaucratese until the civilized reader yearned for a resurrection of the Grand Rapids Hoover...
...He is without dignity...
...Then he took wing across this great country, mouthing the sentimental flummeries that he believes got him elected...
...His vision is that of a small town boomer dream-ing of a paved road for main street...
...Clifford Clouse was arrested for invading a Fort Wayne, Indiana, bank, armed with two shotguns, and threatening offi-cers in an account dispute...
...Next he ordered his cabinet to thump for that poor platypus he calls his legisla-tive package, and then he himself went out to scold the oil companies for "the biggest ripoff in history"—a phrase exquisitely expressive of his sense of proportion and of history...
...The ACLU and the Oklahoma Coalition of Citizens with Disabilities are asking HEW to scrutinize Oral Roberts University's policy against fat students to see if it discriminates against the handicapped...
...Such discerning discourses have come to characterize our foreign policy spokes-men...
...In Chicago the robber of the Pekin Cleaners got away with a television set and $5 but left a fingerprint when he accidental-ly shot a finger off...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS • October, and the sentimental slobbering continues...
...It took firemen 20 minutes to free Mr...
...The New York Yankees won the World Series...
...Desai uses the foul stuff as an external tonic: "You must massage it from the ankle to the waist and from the head to the waist....I used to give myself a routine urine massage every morning just because it is good, not be-cause I had anything wrong with me...
...And Mrs...
...000hl...
...The President of the United States is a grinning dunce, but no questions are raised regarding the cobwebs in his noodle, no protests are heard about his maudlin oratory, his tortured dialogue...
...Late in the month, strong drink and a berserk folding sofa almost made Mr...
...Carter's politics reveal the vagaries of a really cheap mind...
...Will Weath-spoon an angel...
...Weathspoon, who was hospitalized in critical condition with bruises and malnutrition...
...In Houston, Texas, Mr...
...Moreover, Mr...
...Off our President did go aridin' through South Bronx to condole with the victims of Wall Street...
...Even the Washington press corps was no longer hoodwinked by a pack of Snopeses listening to Scheherazade in the White House...
...The ambuscade took place at Miss Weymouth's fête for Mr...
...In Eau Ballie, Florida, Coach Larry Canaday revealed that he inspired his football team by beheading young frogs with his teeth...
...All Europe was stunned...
...From Delhi comes word that India's austere Prime Minister Morarji Desai is against alcoholic refreshment and in favor of urine...
...It's discriminating against individuals with minor health problems, disabilities, and imperfec-tions," opined a high potentate of the ACLU— words, mere words, of course, but words that may someday be seen as a milestone for the new American blubberists, a rising generation of fatsoes with PRIDE...
...the "Peanut Brigade," five hun-dred credulous Georgians who had staffed his campaign and with whom he occasionally visits to illustrate some obscure point in the populist whim-wham...
...Bud") Bailey was arrested at the home of his son-in-law, Mr...
...In a historic interview with the London Spectator the eighty-two-year-old Mr...
...In a late night attack on a Texas church she nabbed dozens of luridly colored bingo cards and would have made several citizen's arrests but for the fact that her male companion lost heart and retreated ingloriously...
...Early in the month the President's coterie of yokels was roused from its reverie on the per-fect filet de catfish when the polls bespoke an abrupt wilting in Mr...
...Smeld was joshing, but it took 23 stitches to close his wounds...
...Flint, Michigan's eternal flame expired when picnickers roasted hot dogs over it...
...And it's free....Urine is the Water of Life...
...Carter's popularity...
...The United States, Red China, and the Soviet Union put their disagreements behind them, and joined the more sensi tive civil libertarians of such Third World democratic showcases as Zaire and the Central African Empire in adopting sanctions against South Africa, an intolerably backward regime that in October actually suppressed political dissent...
...Bailey, an ardent conservationist, that the turkey they had just dined on was in truth one of the few whooping cranes ever seen in the Houston area...
...Police investigators are operating on the hypothesis that the culprit is a recent graduate of a Univer-sity of California creative writing project...
...Of course, other countries too have embar-rassments...
...But names will never hurt you...
...An admirable zeal for civil liberties continues to sweep the world...
...Desai also claimed to be an adherent to "natu-ropathy," and he cures himself of any occa-sional illnesses by fasting "for two or three days" and taking matutinal enemas...
...It was a philippic that embarrassed even the Gucci Bol-sheviks of Georgetown...
...Finally, the false teeth of Mrs...
...If ever he were to be im-peached, my guess is that after a review of his policies and locutions he would be acquitted by reason of inanity...
...The stock market has dropped nearly 200 points...
...Con-gress had mutinied...
...He also practices the discipline of Brahmacharya, an arctic enmity for the libidinous tug...
...I am a Carter supporter through and through...
...And in San Francisco, Cali-fornia, a female bank robber absconded with $578 after presenting a bank teller with a note reading: "You have thirty seconds before your life isn't worth the paper its printed on...
Vol. 11 • December 1977 • No. 2
