The Continuing Crisis

...The convicted man, Mr...

...Cyrus Vance as his Secretary of State...

...9 Sadness has visited the hearts of dozens of Utah gun enthusiasts who volunteered for Mr...

...In progressive Uganda a wave of revisionist scholarship surrounds last summer's Israeli raid on Entebbe airport...

...George N. Garrett, has been indicted for selling six-hundred-dollar "assassination kits" complete with German Lugers and silencers, though as yet not one consumer has stepped forward with a complaint...

...The voice was faint: 27.5 percent of the people said Jimmy, 26 percent said Jerry, and a whopping 46.5 percent said yecch...

...The crisis continues...

...Carmichael" informed his victim that her husband had contracted parasites capable of penetrating her brain and directed her to rub her scalp with a mixture of alcohol and petroleum jelly before holding her head over the aforementioned hot stove and splashing on more alcohol...

...Enough...

...In Newark, New Jersey the Bedsloe Fire Wall Company burned to the ground, and apparently French judges are coming around to a more enlightened approach to the uxoricidal tendencies of M. Noel Carriou, the French gastronome who has since 1956 killed two wives for abominations committed against his beloved roasts...

...That lovers' row between Reno, Nevada card dealer Patricia Mowrey, 36, and Mr...

...In New Jersey a counsellor at a government-financed job-training agency has been indicted for allegedly advising job applicants to consider free-market careers in prostitution...

...Gilmore's misspent life...

...9 An overdose of Valium has nearly rendered tranquil unto eternity Miss Fanne Foxe, the Washington socialite...

...this time M. Carriou received but eight years...

...Throughout the month President-elect Carter has remained steadfast in his anti-Washington stance, and despite enormous pressure from the Council on Foreign Relations, the Ford Foundation, and the State Department he remains adamant in going by the first name of a little boy...

...This time "Dr...

...Apparently Mr...

...The American Civil Liberties Union has again successfully spiked Mr...

...Unfortunately an inadvertent twitch of his finger felled the beautiful gambler, sending Mr...

...The second wife passed on after she overcooked a roast, causing the sensitive Frenchman to fillet her after exclaiming, "You cook like a Nazi...

...Ramos to the calaboose and Miss Mowrey to the hospital with superficial wounds...

...Bosington was the victim of a practical joke by his son Amos, though the matter remains moot, for Mrs...

...Smitten by passion, Mr...

...Bosington promptly shot the boy dead as he chortled uncontrollably from across the dinner table...

...Authorities are continuing a vigorous investigation...

...Gilmore has eloquently protested the courtordered delays of his happy dispatch, but the high-minded ambulance-chasers persist in thwarting his wishes...

...Richard Raskind before being sexually revised, has been sued by her former wife for $7,000 in delinquent alimony and child-support payments...

...Whither the free society...

...9 In Dacca, Bangladesh, disgrace has befallen the family of a 26-year-old hospital volunteer who was nabbed as he dined on corpses at a medical college...

...RET The A l t e r n a t i v e : An American S p e c t a t o r J a n u a r y 1977...

...Early in the month a young woman lost every hair on her head when a mysterious caller appeared at her door and, through the most honeyed suasion, induced her to douse her hair with alcohol while leaning over a hot stove...poof, poof..., and by the time she regained her composure the fiend ,aished and she was a veritable cue ball...

...A Miami businessman, Mr...

...Ernest Crumedy, J r . , was given six consecutive three-month jail terms...

...Westerners were made aware of the extent of Poland's food shortage when a young Pole hijacked a Polish airliner by threatening the pilot with nothing more than a wad of rye bread which he had successfully passed off as a grenade...

...n much the same story for months...

...Ramos entered the casino waving a gun and hollering romantic-albeit risque--expostulations to his beloved as she feigned tedium...

...According to some of Uganda's most distinguished historians there exists evidence in abundance that the invaders' planes would have been erased from the skies had not the world-renowned Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada restrained his crack artillery unit on "humanitarian grounds...

...and through it all we, the American people, have been made to suffer the maudlin news reports of Mr...

...According to sources close to the crisis the players started the boycott to express solidarity with a destitute linebacker who had faithfully waged mayhem every Saturday, even though an MSU alumnus was months behind in his underthe-table payments...

...Gary Gilmore's firing squad...

...Three big brothers have already been forced to plead guilty...

...and Miss Renege Richards, known as Dr...

...Ramos arrested for "puncturing" her water bed, ended spectacularly in a Reno casino...

...Gilmore's pursuit of happiness...

...Now known as "cannibal Khalilullah" the young epicurean claims to have discovered his unique taste during the bloodshed of the 1971 civil war when as an idealistic reformer he became "very active" in removing bodies from Dacca streets...

...William J . Ramos, 24, which began when Miss Mowrey had Mr...

...THE C O N T I N U I N G CRISIS _9 November...both candidates after soberly and intelligently enunciating their testimony to the American people, marshaling the facts as God gave them the light to see those facts, setting forth their qualifications, solemnly taking issue with each other, and intoning lush strophes of humanitarianism--both candidates filled their tummies with sodium bicarbonate and settled before their television sets to await the voice of the people...

...And in Parker, Tennessee, Mr...

...9 That boycott by football players at Memphis State University ended twenty-four hours after it began, much to the relief of Coach Richard Williamson and all loyal MSU alumni...

...Carter Bosington was only slightly injured when the turkey that he was carving exploded...

...9 Terror continues to grip Hammond, Indiana where ten women have already fallen victim to an unidentified pilosophobe...

...On November 25 Thanksgiving was celebrated around the Republic...

...Meanwhile a heart attack claimed the life of American actor Godfrey Cambridge as he prepared to portray the famous Ugandan leader in a Hollywood movie, which pretty much followed the conventional, if benighted, Western conception of this truly remarkable human being and military genius...

...In Chicago's Cook County Jail the chef removed all bones from the traditional Thanksgiving turkey on the pretense that "inmates have been known to use the bones as weapons...

...Further he has named Mr...

...The first wife perished when she undercooked a roast, and the courts jugged M. Carriou for twelve years...

...nonster claims to be a doctor with a -;r~ning with " C , " always the ,other recently mentioned in and always the supposed ,oman to undertake an indiscretion culminating in baldness--never does the prospective dunderhead fail to cooperate...

...The system works...

...In the People's Republic of China a bad press continues to imperil the political career of the wife of the late Chairman Mao Tse-tung...

...Worse still, the media continue to exhibit the slob's creative works: drawings of tenth-rate quality, paintings remimscent of a school-girl suffering dementia praecox, and poetry not much better than Rod McKuen's...

...In Peking the People's Daily, a long-time supporter of government policy, ran a series of shocking expose's alleging that Chiang Ching often spent voluptuous evenings viewing salacious movies, occasionally even Kung Fu movies...

...And a Milwaukee attorney who attempted to alleviate his clients' financial burdens by offering them lucrative opportunities as prostitute-receptionists has also been indicted...

...And Spokane, Washington's Big Brother program might be in difficulty because of the establishment's prudish response to reports of homosexual "attacks" by older males on their surrogate sons...

...9 From Trenton comes word that New J e r s e y ' s second highest court has upheld the atrocious assault-and-battery conviction of a Newark man found guilty of inserting pins and needles into his victims under the pretense of giving them health tests...

...9 On November 6 one of England's bestknown conductors, Maestro Raymond Leppard, announced his intention to depart the famed island to escape "the meanness and jealousy" created by socialism...

...Finish the lout off, if for no other reasons, then o'n aesthetic grounds...

...The erstwhile socialist prefers America's "benevolent capitalism," but several of the month's news stories cast dubiety on Maestro Leppard's sunny view...